在廚房愰

就這樣在廚房愰了一天。大門沒出、二門沒邁。

早上起來完成例行公事、本應該去運動、卻說什麼也出不了門。我和自己摔跤了很久、就是知道該去卻不想去。兩年以前我告訴自己、我也許需要很多的時間復健、把工作量減到最小、社交活動也減到幾乎零、沒想到兩三年之後的今天、仍沒什麼力氣做什麼挑戰性稍高的事。我想我還是有點depressed.

今天一直很sad。也不知道為什麼。

在廚房磨蹭是唯一可以驅走哀傷的活動。切切搞搞、做了個麵包、煮了個lentil soup。做了就有要洗的、洗完了又想到要做些什麼、就這樣來來回回也消磨了一天。我感謝有水可以用、而且還是熱水。一打開水龍頭就有水、我常為這件事感恩。

晚上下起雨來。貓咪和我在家好舒服、心情逐漸好轉、但是那一抹哀傷不知為甚麼揮不去。想我的狗。

Megan送短訊來、說和爸爸在開車去姊姊家的路上。爸爸開車、她說等下該她開、嫌爸爸開得太慢。我們短訊來來去去、都是在講烤麵包、做飯的事。她說我倆是baking buddy。和女兒講話總是開心。想到她爸爸、卻好多的傷心回憶。我想我這一生都無法快樂。

今天想到、人就是朝著棺材走去。來世上走一趟、若不相信有一天要回到創造我的主那裡、這一輩子真是枉然。不會在年輕、女兒長大有自己的生活、又開啓另一個世界、我不可能永遠有她們在身邊。我現在已經想著退休、退休之後日子仍然是過一天少一天。總有那麼一天、我要死去。感謝上帝給我不死的靈魂、這一切才不算白費。

今天是蠻傷感的。。。

Missing Beau

It's been more than a month now I think, but I miss Beau still.

I am sitting here, missing him and crying.

Sometimes I thought I heard his foot steps and I thought I saw him poking his head into my study, or bathroom, or kitchen, to see what I was doing. I dropped some rice on the floor the other night, and almost called out to him as he used to always help me clean the floor. then I realized he was not here any more.

The other day I thought I smelled him. That familiar smell since he was a puppy. I saw the odor control powder I bought not long ago and wondered what I should do with it now that he is gone.

I woke up in the morning and realized I had no dog to walk any more. Neighbors must be wondering, where is that lady and her dog?

There are no mats on the floor anywhere any more. There used to be one in each room. I look at the empty spots, and couldn't move my eyes; I wanted to make sure I did not see them. After all, this is how the "denial" part of the grief and loss cycle I tell my clients is about.

He loved me, and I sure loved him. 15 long years. We were friends. He never found me unattractive; always loved me readily. Tail wagging, ears perked up, body swaying from excitement, mouth slightly open, eyes bright and focused on me, he loved the sight of me.

Sad thing for me was that on the last day, I drove him to his death. And he still loved me.

A good dog, to the last minute. Kind and loving, obedient and smart. Where to find a friend like that. I was everything to him.

I miss you Beau, and I still love you.

Wish to see you in heaven. If you see me first, would you bark?