The funny thing was: as soon as I typed out the title for today's entry, I thought I heard reprimands from my Christian brothers and sisters. And it went like this: "why do you even want a voice?" "Deny yourself and bear your cross!" "why is it so important to have your voice?" So it was like the first response I thought I was going to get, if I ever shared this with anyone, was judgement, instead of understanding. Isn't that... weird?
I have been reading 鱷魚的黃眼睛。女主角很像我。離婚之前和之後、都只會在別人給她的文件上簽字。
以前、我簽字因為我信任。而且無法跟上同伴的腳步、也不適應他處理事情的方式。與其糾纏、我選擇照簽、因為我只有如此多的時間和精力、覺得授權給人全權處理是對的態度。何況男主外女主內的觀念、根深蒂固在我心裡、我也認同這樣的合作關係、so much so that if my daughters decide to live by this value, I would encourage them. I thought that was very Biblical. I still do. 在二十一世紀講這個、我是politically incorrect的不得了、也許有人會認為我太落伍、或什麼的、但是我就是這樣。由於這個指導原則瀰漫在我生活中、I lived by it. At the time, it was very "me" to do that.
以後、我簽字因為我想維持好關係。也實在不願意花精神在我一向不看重、但是卻很重要的、錢、的事上。again, it is very "me."
我有時一不小心、就會落入kicking myself的misery裡面。責怪自己、恨自己不為自己說什麼、即使有時心中不平、或有疑惑、或實在不贊同。落井下石自己、“活該“ 但那是一種很不好的感受。我不認為愛我的神想看到我如此。
所以我告訴自己、我的用意是好的。我一向看重與人和睦相處、也是自小的庭訓、也是要被稱為“乖“所必須附上的代價。我最乖、家人常說。小時候糊裡糊塗、聽到如此誇奬、得意和心中委曲常共存。明明覺得委曲、因為有不公平的地方、想哭、卻因忍氣吞聲、贏得“乖“的讚美。既然哭會惹來責罵、不如乖乖、讓大人喜歡。長此以往、忘記自己是誰、卻很會扮演被指定“乖“的角色。乖乖長大、她的延伸就是乖乖的妻子。只為簽字的妻子。只會同意、因為不知道如何不同意、仍能保持家中和樂的氣氛。總以為這兩者中只能選其一。多笨哪。
將近一百萬的房子都簽了字要賣、才想起沒有見過地產經紀人。所有有關房子的決定、竟都是透過別人轉述。我想沒有人能原諒我的無知。我卻原諒了自己、告訴自己、從來沒有鍛鍊過的肌肉一定是軟弱的。從來沒有發出聲音的人、會驚訝於自己可以發聲。趕快要來經紀人電話、打電話去自我介紹、並要求直接聯繫、不透過第三者。放下電話、覺得自己好像又長大了一點。和變老的感覺不同。是羽翼豐滿的感覺。是強壯的感覺。是聰明的感覺。都是好的感覺。
印象中的自己、好像都是十二歲。剪著短髮、留著瀏海。都是媽媽的想法。眼神中流露的是對周遭事物剛萌芽的理解、或不理解。困惑吧。善良、卻被人欺負的莫名奇妙也在我眼裡可以看到。而且無人保護。所以也有哀傷。那時後已經愛想、進入青春期、懵懂中開始好奇做個女人是怎麼回事。大概也要乖吧。乖的人是很好處理的、you know, because she doesn't have a voice.
耶穌很奇怪。有聲音、卻又沒有聲音。我想學。
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
像小孩子的樣式
(Chinglish blog is a blog still...)
前天去參加一個一天的conference to hear Marsha Linehan talk about "Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and training skills" at UCLA. In a room of about 350 mental health professionals, I counted only a handful of Asian looking people, all women. I ran into a few of them in the lady's room and realized they were all American born, judging by their accent free English. I wonder if that's why no one talked to me, or maybe it's because I wore the face that said "I don't want to talk," and that was really how I felt -- I was there to take in, and I didn't want to talk. Someone at my table tried talking to me by asking me about my agency. After hearing the words "Christian counseling," they politely said, "Cool..." and the conversation stopped. I had a feeling if I had said I was a Zen counselor, they would have been more interested. And we just finished hearing Dr. Linehan talk about "acceptance." Sigh...
Dr. Linehan had us do an exercise on "observe" as part of practicing to be "mindful." She said we could choose anything we had and just look at the thing and pay attention and notice everything about it. Take an interest in it. Observe it. Just take in information and be curious. I thought about what Jesus said about, "要像小孩子的樣式“和進天國。我手上拿的是一支原子筆。端詳了半天。你會想、一支筆友什麼好看。老師還說、拿起來聞聞也可以。我忽然想到、小孩子就是這樣。看看、聞聞、甚至還咬咬。一隻筆可以玩上半天。看了又看。覺得挺新鮮。從來沒見過。不但好奇、還很開心。C.S. Lewis也說、謙卑的人就是對別人有好奇心的人。難怪耶穌說進天國的人都是如此。當我們見多了、我們就不再覺得新鮮、驕傲就慢慢的爬到我們心裡：這有什麼了不起、我看多了。甚至屬神的事情、我們都以為自己懂得了、說“還不就是這麼回事。“ 於是我們不再興奮、不再帶勁、不再想知道。
我端詳著這支筆、想到耶穌的話。
宜箴打電話來。“媽媽、 I just have to call you. I saw this... puppy, 用力地跑去追主人丟的球。so cute..." 一件簡單的事、狗追球、帶給狗、狗主人、宜箴和我、極大的歡愉。
我想、當我們像像孩子一樣為一件單純的事開心、又“用力地跑“ 的時候、我們的主該是開心的看著我們取悅祂。而其他的基督徒、就好比旁觀的宜箴和旁聽的我吧、也會感到無比的joyful 吧。這個用力跑的歡愉、不光是來自於討好主人、而更是在於對這個用力跑的狗狗、追球這件事本身就是充滿刺激、幾乎是本能裡必須要做的事。我希望能像這隻小狗追球一樣、追求神國度的事。
我想做個為耶穌追球的小狗。求主助我卸下年齡帶來的世故、求主助我除去因受傷帶來的設防和不信任、求主助我脫下驕傲、對祂和祂的創造、包括我自己和周圍的人、能天天有好奇、所以雖然日復一日、週而復始、我卻不厭倦人生。“我的肉體雖然衰殘、內心卻一天新似一天。“
前天去參加一個一天的conference to hear Marsha Linehan talk about "Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and training skills" at UCLA. In a room of about 350 mental health professionals, I counted only a handful of Asian looking people, all women. I ran into a few of them in the lady's room and realized they were all American born, judging by their accent free English. I wonder if that's why no one talked to me, or maybe it's because I wore the face that said "I don't want to talk," and that was really how I felt -- I was there to take in, and I didn't want to talk. Someone at my table tried talking to me by asking me about my agency. After hearing the words "Christian counseling," they politely said, "Cool..." and the conversation stopped. I had a feeling if I had said I was a Zen counselor, they would have been more interested. And we just finished hearing Dr. Linehan talk about "acceptance." Sigh...
Dr. Linehan had us do an exercise on "observe" as part of practicing to be "mindful." She said we could choose anything we had and just look at the thing and pay attention and notice everything about it. Take an interest in it. Observe it. Just take in information and be curious. I thought about what Jesus said about, "要像小孩子的樣式“和進天國。我手上拿的是一支原子筆。端詳了半天。你會想、一支筆友什麼好看。老師還說、拿起來聞聞也可以。我忽然想到、小孩子就是這樣。看看、聞聞、甚至還咬咬。一隻筆可以玩上半天。看了又看。覺得挺新鮮。從來沒見過。不但好奇、還很開心。C.S. Lewis也說、謙卑的人就是對別人有好奇心的人。難怪耶穌說進天國的人都是如此。當我們見多了、我們就不再覺得新鮮、驕傲就慢慢的爬到我們心裡：這有什麼了不起、我看多了。甚至屬神的事情、我們都以為自己懂得了、說“還不就是這麼回事。“ 於是我們不再興奮、不再帶勁、不再想知道。
我端詳著這支筆、想到耶穌的話。
宜箴打電話來。“媽媽、 I just have to call you. I saw this... puppy, 用力地跑去追主人丟的球。so cute..." 一件簡單的事、狗追球、帶給狗、狗主人、宜箴和我、極大的歡愉。
我想、當我們像像孩子一樣為一件單純的事開心、又“用力地跑“ 的時候、我們的主該是開心的看著我們取悅祂。而其他的基督徒、就好比旁觀的宜箴和旁聽的我吧、也會感到無比的joyful 吧。這個用力跑的歡愉、不光是來自於討好主人、而更是在於對這個用力跑的狗狗、追球這件事本身就是充滿刺激、幾乎是本能裡必須要做的事。我希望能像這隻小狗追球一樣、追求神國度的事。
我想做個為耶穌追球的小狗。求主助我卸下年齡帶來的世故、求主助我除去因受傷帶來的設防和不信任、求主助我脫下驕傲、對祂和祂的創造、包括我自己和周圍的人、能天天有好奇、所以雖然日復一日、週而復始、我卻不厭倦人生。“我的肉體雖然衰殘、內心卻一天新似一天。“
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My Big Head and A Fun Day
I think I really think too much! But I really also like this part of me. And because I know the first sentence really should read as, "People say I think too much." but the second sentence comes from me, I would say... truth be told, I really like this part of me! And THAT'S why I have not changed. See, that's the big head talking.
My day started at 5:40 this morning. Kind of feeling crazy for getting up when it was still dark and walking Beau when the whole world was still sleeping. I almost though I could hear my neighbors breathe in their sleep. As I turn at the corner, I ran into my neighbor Ruben. (So I guess the whole world was not sleeping!) And his two dogs. One great Dane and bulldog mix, (i think) called Tyson, (that name makes me want to laugh... Isn't Tyson some brand of chicken? I know some boxer also named Tyson, but chicken was my first reaction when I was first introduced to him.) The other one is a tiny bichon mix. Both of them had their T-shirt on. Ruben said, "They just woke up, and I don't want them to feel cold." We said bye and went our separate ways. I felt like laughing. Dogs... just woke up... T-shirt to keep warm... somehow, the idea of Tyson and little sister "waking up early" was comical. They are dogs. "Just woke up" is to describe humans. That reminded me of my old neighbor, who told me, "If you want to visit B, you need to wait cuz she is taking a nap." A dog taking a nap? Maybe B has afternoon tea too!
I needed to meet with someone this morning, and as I was driving, I realized I had already "written" numerous research papers about this person in my head. At the time, the papers felt like evidences that lead to a conclusion that this person stands no chance to be rehabilitated. And I felt awful. Almost did not want to continue the drive. Now, some 10 hours later now, I don't even remember my "papers" but had a fun day with myself instead. Interesting internal landscaping that is a totally different reality from the outside world. Had I made decisions based on that "landscaping" I would surely have ruined my day. Thankfully, I didn't not let my big head take charge today. I have learned to be patient with myself. Went to a nursery called "Eden" to cool off and had a heavenly time with myself, picking up some 1-gallon lavender and seeds to grow.
Failed tonight's session according to myself. Said a prayer for myself, asking the Spirit to cover me.
Time to go to bed and let my big head rest.
My day started at 5:40 this morning. Kind of feeling crazy for getting up when it was still dark and walking Beau when the whole world was still sleeping. I almost though I could hear my neighbors breathe in their sleep. As I turn at the corner, I ran into my neighbor Ruben. (So I guess the whole world was not sleeping!) And his two dogs. One great Dane and bulldog mix, (i think) called Tyson, (that name makes me want to laugh... Isn't Tyson some brand of chicken? I know some boxer also named Tyson, but chicken was my first reaction when I was first introduced to him.) The other one is a tiny bichon mix. Both of them had their T-shirt on. Ruben said, "They just woke up, and I don't want them to feel cold." We said bye and went our separate ways. I felt like laughing. Dogs... just woke up... T-shirt to keep warm... somehow, the idea of Tyson and little sister "waking up early" was comical. They are dogs. "Just woke up" is to describe humans. That reminded me of my old neighbor, who told me, "If you want to visit B, you need to wait cuz she is taking a nap." A dog taking a nap? Maybe B has afternoon tea too!
I needed to meet with someone this morning, and as I was driving, I realized I had already "written" numerous research papers about this person in my head. At the time, the papers felt like evidences that lead to a conclusion that this person stands no chance to be rehabilitated. And I felt awful. Almost did not want to continue the drive. Now, some 10 hours later now, I don't even remember my "papers" but had a fun day with myself instead. Interesting internal landscaping that is a totally different reality from the outside world. Had I made decisions based on that "landscaping" I would surely have ruined my day. Thankfully, I didn't not let my big head take charge today. I have learned to be patient with myself. Went to a nursery called "Eden" to cool off and had a heavenly time with myself, picking up some 1-gallon lavender and seeds to grow.
Failed tonight's session according to myself. Said a prayer for myself, asking the Spirit to cover me.
Time to go to bed and let my big head rest.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Things That Make Me Happy (3)
Line dry my clothes (I made sure the image was decent so you can look.) on a beautiful California early Spring day. That makes me happy.
To make room for the new garden, and so that I and my sometimes guests can have a better view of my small yard, I had Pablo remove the octopus like clothes rack/hanger/lines thingy in the middle of the backyard. With that gone, I "designed" my own clothes drying apparatus. :-) I used an old curtain rod and let it rest on the fence on one side, and my patio post on the other. I was quite proud of myself for this humble invention.
Voila! My colorful bathroom mat should be the focal point. Other clothing items play supporting roles. :-) I am looking forward to dusk when I can bring them down and smell the sun and feel the cleanness in them. Both the Before and After (of drying them outdoor) brings great joy.
Do you know how to "smell" the sun?
Praise the Lord for the 5 senses! It's really fun to mix them up too, and enjoy the... cross-breed? Like to draw the music you hear, to smell the food you see in a cook book, and to feel the warmth of an imaginary kiss from your daughter?
Things That Make Me Happy (2)
I bought this from Taiwan.
The little flame brings me to far away places of mystery and dream. That's me.
I was quite surprised at the aroma the sunflower elixir gives out. I would drop 5 to 6 drops into the shallow dish, filled with water, and let it burn slowly. My whole room would smell very soft. I think it's quite amazing how a room can smell "soft"; a textile descriptive. But that's what I smell. :-)
In order to light the tea candle, I had to learn how to use a cigarette lighter. In the beginning, I would have sore and swollen thumb caused by futile attempts to roll the tiny wheel on top to ignite. I would switch to my left hand and wished I had been ambidexterous and because I am not, left thumb was no us at all. Now I am better at it, I can make the lighter work in a few tries, but am still learning how to hold the lighter at such an angle that it lights the candle, and not my thumb!
Quite amazed this little thing can bring me such joy.
Thought at Midnight
When a divorced Christian talks about the sanctity of marriage and the kind of sacrificial love that couples need to give each other for their marriage to work, among other important things, how is she/he perceived? A hypocrite? Someone who makes others want to puke?
When someone who has had an abortion talks about the sanctity of life and calls herself pro-life, is she contradicting herself?
When someone who is abused and who severs the abusive relationship talks about love is a choice, should we despise her, because she doesn't practice what she preaches?
Lord, have mercy.
Life is full of tough choices for most people. Only in his mercy do we grow stronger. I need that mercy for myself, and I pray that he grant me the mercy for others who falter.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Things That Make Me Happy (I)
I am no Maria, but there are things, small things, that make me happy.
Like these roses in my young garden. I had Pablo plant them 3 weeks ago, and they are already giving me roses. I toured (the word "tour" makes it sound like I had a big garden. It is not big at all, only about 6' x 6'. I didn't want to use "patrol" because that somehow reminds me of the police. Way too serious.) my garden this morning, as always, after coming back from walk with Beau, and saw these roses.
They made me very happy!
Praise the Lord!
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