Kabocha Bread

昨天是很忙的一天。買了車、又回來處理一些頭痛問題。曾一度覺得life is falling apart. 不曉得是天氣熱的緣故、或者是超壓的結果、也許兩者都有。臉上發熱、胸口發緊、頭發脹。買車的歡喜都不見了。沒感覺。像我的許多clients、問他們對一些事的感受、很多時候他們都告訴我、沒感覺。我想在超壓的情況下、我們的生理狀態和優先考慮、是生存、而不是體會感受。

我卻選擇在昨天做這個南瓜麵包。一面做、一面質疑自己決定。第一次嚐試用攪拌機做麵包、也不是麵包機、像食譜主人的建議、也不是我自己的老法子--用手揉、而時折衷的用攪拌機中的和麵功能來作。食譜建議的做法過程又複雜、材料也講究。是費時費工的麵包食譜。我一面想、只有瘋子才在這麼煩又累的一天裡、來作一個又麻煩又沒做過的麵包。但是、想做的念頭既然已經有種子、又萌了牙、不讓它長成成品好像也不行、就這樣、一直做到晚上。恰巧晚上看我的"24"電視影集、又是緊張到不行。中間廣告時間還去check烤箱溫度、放麵包進去、在等廣告時間、再去檢查。但是、等麵包出爐的那一刹那、所有的緊張、壓力、辛苦、都一掃而空。臨睡前、還忍不住切了一片來嚐。鑽進被窩、看看小說、聽著風鈴的聲音、看不到兩頁、已經被瞌睡蟲爬滿眼睛。Life is falling apart的感覺不復存在。我竟然可以說、“Life is good!"

Baking 的魅力如此。

Where to Find A Good Friend?

I wish when I tell you something that bugs me, you could listen and listen well.

That means you don't judge me. Please don't say things like, "How could you have done that?" or worse, "How dumb!" "You are crazy!" and worst of all, "I told you."

I know you know more than I do. I know you want the best for me. (From your point of view, though.) I know you hate to see me hurt. I know you want to save me from headaches and heartaches. I know you want me to be tough so you don't have to feel sorry for me. I know you think you are doing the right thing as a good friend. What you don't know is, you are not living my life, and you can not be responsible for the consequences that I will have to face.

I know when you hear me talk about stuff that bugs me, you will have all sorts of thoughts and feelings. But this moment is not about you. This moment is also not about proving yourself to be the right one. This moment is not about what YOU want to say, to hear, to do, or to want to see happen. It's about me wanting to tell someone something. That simple.

You maybe wiser, and you may be logically right. Or you simply are right. But that does not change the fact you are not the owner of the problem. And you have no right to make other people's decisions for them.

I am not saying you can't say what is "right." But then, what is "right?" I can sense it when you just want to push your own agenda and impose yourself on me. If you want to prove to me I am wrong and you are right, you will probably win the debate, but in the end, proving yourself right can cost you our friendship. Would you still want that? I can say to you, "yes, you are right, after all. And I am wrong. " in the end, but I may also decide never to tell you things about me any more.

To listen well is a process of denying the self. In order to listen to well, we need to suspend all our thoughts, withhold judgements, and govern our emotions so we don't project them onto our venting friend. We need to give the person total respect, and trust that they have all the resources within themselves to decide for themselves. Even if they don't, but as long as they think they do, we should refrain from jumping the gun and encourage the person and empower him/her to solve her own problems. Even if your friend begs for your advices, we need to be careful in giving out advices regarding someone else's life. You will know if they truly want your input and if you don't know, you are not a good friend in the first place. All the more reason for you to say nothing and just listen. See how much you can learn about your friend by listening and listening to understand, not listening to find where the pause is so you can take over and show off how well you know about your friend's predicament, and how rich your resources are and use that time to feel good about yourself and feel important and useful.

Too often, we think we know. Too often when we tell a friend in suffering the should's and shouln't's in their lives, we feel morally superior. Too often, we think we are God and can judge. Knowing right from wrong is not the same as judging. I need a friend who understands the difference.

Speaking the truth in love. We are to speak the truth as God's children. Sometimes we pay a price for speaking the truth. But when it comes to your friend's maladies, understanding, respect, mercy, hope and readiness to lay down your life for your friend, lay the pathway for truth to come forth.

No wonder I find no friend anywhere like that. I only find such friend in Jesus. And there is only one Jesus. How can I not love Him and need Him?

Things That Make Me Happy (7)

I have two of them now.

Those tiny dainty girly shimmering whining ones are not my type. I love baritone wind chimes. French horn kind of sound they make. The four of us, Marble, Yoko, Beau and me, spend most evenings at my desk(Beau at my foot, of couse; too big for desk, duh...), with the laptop either on or off, with a cup of some, usually sweetened, (alas!) drink, (these days it's honey lemon tea my friend Nicole gave me,) and we listen to the wind chimes. Its sound takes us (me, I don't know about them.) to a faraway place and I just praise the Lord for peaceful time like this.

A few days ago, we had rain. And it was breezy too. So it was pitter-patter plus dong dong dong. I was in heaven. :-) If I can feel this elated, imagine how my heart would burst with joy when I get to the real heaven! And it won't be just one night, but for eternity. Beyond all measures... incomprehensible...

Jim Sjveda on KUSC last night was playing Mozart's piano concerto No. 21, in C major, for the May pledge drive. He said when listening to great music like this, it is really hard to think that we are only what the Darwinians say we are. Not a Christian himself, he said something like, "are you telling me this is all there is? (referring to how the evolutionists say we are as a specie.) There's got to be more than this..."

Halellujah! I know this is not it. There is more-- in Christ!

Things That Make Me Happy (6)

Like my attitude with a lot of other things in life, I have been thinking, researching, contemplating, considering, planning and finally, making this no-knead bread. And it was a success! It made me really happy.

I made it once before, but that time I wasn't really prepared to make it well. Sort of just read the recipe through, and okay, I can do this and let me do it... now. What was missing last time I had this time, and I think that made the difference. It was the element of -- time.

It took 24 hours this time, as compared to, maybe just half a day last time. I rushed into it last time, but I was fully prepared this time. Viola! The wait paid off.

The recipe says you don't need to knead it, but you need to give it time to rise and let Time do the work.

Like a lot of other things in life, instant anything usually only gives temporary satisfaction. And of less value. Instant oatmeal is less nutritious. Instant coffee leaves a bad after taste. Love at first sight rarely lasts. Quick money is gone quickly too. Crash diet doesn't change lifestyle and the pounds creep back faster than you could imagine. Intimacy with God doesn't happen overnight. Parent-child relationship takes time to deepen.

I was willing to devote 24 hours of my time to have this bread, the wait actually felt good because I was hopeful.

Anticipating Jesus' return, am I not also hopeful and do I not also find the wait worthwhile?

Feeling Rich in the Face of Mortality

Birthday is coming up. Had a good scare the other day, thinking about the years in the past and how many more in the future? Every day is a day closer to the end. There is no way around it. No escape. I get this kind of scare once in a while. I think it's a good thing because being reminded of my mortality humbles me.

And then this morning over breakfast, (it seems good thoughts come to me during breakfast time often, while sad thoughts and self-pity frequent me more at night.) I felt my heart swell with the feeling of being "rich." To me, that means there are so many good things awaiting in the immediate future.

Good books I want to read, for one thing. On my list is a re-read of C.S. Lewis' "Surprised by Joy," and a new novel "Matterhorn...(something subtitle) about the Vietnam war. I felt like a ballon, full of hidrogen, and about to fly away at the thought of reading these books, that I had to tell myself to finish breakfast first before I jumped up and turned on my laptop to order these books. This much self-control I had learned. It wasn't always like this before.

A quiet night by myself, for another thing. My house is a place of respite for me. With my dog and cats, garden and angel, and Le Creuset/All-Clad/Viking range in the kitchen, the bedspread, the candle, all smelling right, and the wind chimes outside my desk window, and KUSC and its lovely D.J's... It was still early in the morning, but the thought of coming home in the evening, excited me.

Learning how to be a better gardener, for yet another thing, and the vast knowledge of gardening available online, makes me look for a time in the week when I can sit down and browse. And I feel rich knowing it's there. The excitement is there. The possibility is there.

And those recipes! I have so many that I want to try. I will never be bored! That makes me feel rich. Strange... I have dug out Deborah Madison's vegetarian cookbooks and started thinking about eating less meat. That's another possibility.

So scared of dying, yet so excited about living. Counting my days on earth, I don't feel I am having less of anything as days go by, but I am having more with each new day. What would you call this, if not blessing?

Things That Make Me Happy (5)

My angel came yesterday!

I have been wanting to get a bird bath for my back garden and been looking here and there, including, of course, online at Amazon.com. Originally, the idea was just to have running water in the backyard. Since the backyard does not have outdoor power outlet, my options were limited to solar powered ones. But then I worried about the solar panel not working properly and the water would just sit there. After much searching and thinking over, one day I ran into this (online) angel.

She holds a water bowl and it lights up at night (solar powered after all... ) and gives her upper body a faint glow of blue.

It cost me $160+ including S/H!!

That's me, though. And my visual instinct. (I suspect i am most like my dad in this, and I am proud to be his daughter. When I think of him even now, I am always filled with fond memories.)

Some people may say, "oh... it's only 23" tall??" but I'd say, "but I love it!"

I looked at it again this morning, and I was really happy I bought it! It's not tall, but my garden is not big either. The water bowl is small, but what do you expect, the angel herself is only 23" tall!

Now all I need is for the neighborhood birds to find it!

Things That Make Me Happy (4)

早上遛完狗到院子愰一圈。愰著愰著就開始澆花。心裡想、完了。本來是要去運動的、花一澆下去、“強迫症“就會被引發、不澆完不會停、澆完就太晚、就不會去運動了。我身體裡這根神經自己很清楚、每當它被觸及的時候我也知道、引子一旦點燃、就順著引線一直燒、不燒到頭不能停。真奇怪。I am so aware of this internal activity, and I don't like it, but for the most part, I let it take charge of me. Awareness doesn't necessarily bring about change. Something more powerful is at work here. 追根究底、I think it's because I don't value going to the gym more than I value the time I spend, watering my flowers. Well, that's understandable though. The gym means hard work, sweat and 麻煩(maybe i am really really lazy because the only 麻煩is parking/locking the car and walking up to the gym. what 麻煩 is there??) but watering the flowers means pleasure... and pleasure and... pleasure.

My day doesn't start until I am done showering, and this morning, like all mornings, I decided to take care of 煩人的事first before I shower. That took a whole morning. Lunch was supposed to be at noon. I am very regular and pride myself with it. Besides, 肚子就是在十二點的時候會餓、it's not that I have to have lunch at noon. (Sounds like I was debating with someone.) 煩人的事took so much of my time!

As I sat down to have lunch, i was surprised by the butter I deliberately left on the table the day before (but forgot) and now was at room temperature. Butter knife cut through it with no resistance at all! I LOVE room temperature butter! I was too cheap and for more than once at Sur La Table, wanted to but didn't buy this little butter thingie that claims to keep butter soft. I thought of it again today. Maybe I will just buy it next time. If you value something, but don't spend time, or money on it, you are lying. I believe in that. Or I thought I did.

Room temperature butter!