Such Are My Friends

These are how I see my friends.

Some are Christians, who claim to love the Lord and want to live a life that glorifies God. They appear to be loving and caring, but it's because they think that is the way to get people to buy their religion. They practice this attitude until it becomes their god.

I also have family and friends who walk the political-correct tightrope. They take it upon themselves to also educate me about the consequences of being political incorrect, and the most immediate lesson from them, is that I will be attacked. This kind of attitude has nothing to do with inviting an honest debate about truth, but everything to do with wanting to appear up-to-date in their postmodern thinking, and an ultimate challenge to God's sovereignty.

There's also this group of non-Christian friends that I have. I value their friendship because these are people with compassion. They may not be well learned, but their right and wrong is very clear. Many of them are well learned, but they continue to want to know more and are honest with what they don't know. As such, they listen to my struggles with genuine love and they are quick to forgive if my language is less than perfect, and when my political view appears conservative. A few of them are so comfortable with themselves, that they allow you to be yourself too. They are not in a hurry to correct me if I am wrong. They see me as just another human being. I can even talk to them about God.

I also have friends who seem to be compassionate Christians, a good combination of the above two groups. Unfortunately, they are either too extrovert, too Chinese, or too something for me to want to be closer to them.

I have two best friends, who seem to have everything I want in a friend. But they are my daughters and as such, there are things I don't feel free to share as a mother. That generational boundary will always be there, and it is a necessary boundary. Not to keep them out, but to keep them safe. And that is the price all mothers pay. Or am I wrong? When does a mother's responsibility to protect end?

The best friend is Jesus. And I will learn His ways and always strive to be a good friend to those I love.

有晚上有早上

我喜歡晚上、也喜歡早上。

今天做工的人問我、妳一人住嗎？我說是啊、他說、“妳不怕嗎？“ 我說不怕。想了一想、我說 “我不怕、我什麼都不怕、連鬼也不怕。“ 他笑了。

晚上安靜的迷人。我坐在窗前、什麼也不做。吃飽、喝足、還不睏。好不容易太陽下山、溫度開始下降。開一點窗、晚風徐徐、只聽到冰箱低低的哼着、其他、什麼都聽不到。我好喜歡。沈默。寂靜。不動。我真有點捨不得、快到就寢時間、晚上快要走了。

我最近常在想、心中這種安寧的狀態、是假像？或是真的平安？好像老僧入定、任誰、何事、都不能搖動我心中的篤定。也許我會有情緒、會傷心、會興奮、但是心中的錨、好像拋在磐石上。這種穩妥的感覺、難道就是聖經中所應許的平安？是世界不能奪去的那種？

我也喜歡早上。一大早起來、全世界都在睡。等我遛完狗、澆完草、後花園逛一圈、看看花、剪剪枝、喝完咖啡、看完報、吃完早點、世界才醒來。感覺好像賺到一小時。今早有霧、但是連霧也起的比我晚！我已經在弄花了、霧才慢慢升起。我眼看它來、又眼看它去。不知還有沒有別人看到。晚上有曇花一現、早上有霧氣一現。上帝也挺公平、晚上、早上、都是大字然的舞台。

裝修廚房中、沒有水槽、沒有瓦斯。我們四人（二貓一狗加我）窩在我的臥室。吃喝全在這裡。我想我也可以過。臥室門一開、就是沒有地板的廚房。可以看到地基、空空洞洞。一不小心、還可能掉到坑裡。 Marble膽大包天、馬上跳到地基下層去週遊一圈。回來的時候、毛上沾的都是灰塵和蜘蛛網。它毫不以為意。Yoko 看看情況不妙、乖乖載有限的空間打轉、不吵不鬧、也不去冒險。最受罪的是Beau。一出門看到天雲變色、馬上倒回去。我把地上木條排排、把drywall 抓一塊來墊墊、他仍不肯走上去。一腳踏上去、覺得不穩、馬上回頭。老人家就是這樣、看看情況、估計一下自己能力、自忖過不了關、就做罷。我好不容易把地上用他熟悉的毯子鋪好、他這纔肯踏上。我想晚上早上我們要出去蹓躂、總得先把室內路徑選定才好。否則一大早迷迷糊糊、可別人狗一起掉到坑裡才好。

晚上是休生養息的時候。是修補的時候。是重新得力的時候。是感謝的時候。是往內吸收孕育生命的氣息的時候。在一呼一吸均勻的呼吸聲中、我已經想像今晚的好眠。

老而不僵

蠻可怕的題目！但是這是我想到今天早上跟幾位老友去hiking 時腦海裡浮現的一句話。好像沒有這句成語吧。

早上應邀去hiking。像個老人、昨晚就把鬧鐘定好、怕自己聽不到 （咦、老人好像不會睡這麼沈吧？）結果好久睡不著。這已經是一僵--稍有變動、就刹有介事似的。

還有就是我早上的規律要被打斷。本來起床遛狗煮咖啡看報吃早飯是一慣作業的、現在中間夾了個hiking 害我得重新arrange早上作業程序。結果是早起一小時、把這些事還是根據原來順序先做了、才出門。這是二僵。

Hiking完她們去McDonald's 吃早飯、我傻在那裡、因為我已經吃過了。不好掃她們的興、也跟著叫了咖啡和McMuffin夾蛋。心想、這是今天第二杯咖啡和第二個蛋、影養健康！這是第三僵。

平時都是弄完花園才去上班。今天沒時間、中午回來才澆花。感覺怪怪的。是否是第四僵？

貓狗看我摸黑出門、他們也覺得怪怪的。（我怎麼知道？因為她們看我的眼神告訴我。）

Hiking的朋友調侃我、說人老了就是會僵化、什麼事都一成不變、變化是很大的挑戰、勸我不藥未老先僵。我說我喜歡做宅女、一日不出門也無所謂。話也不說一句。也許路過行人納悶、這人一人在家做些什麼、毫無動靜。她們說我已不是宅女、而是孰女。我與當今台灣文化脫節、還問“熟女比較好嗎？“她們也很誠實、告訴我熟女是老女人的意思。年輕小妞才能算宅女。我已不夠格。大夥狂笑一場。

但是她們的話我牢記心中。人老了、若不提醒自己這個那個、不知不覺中就會變成怪怪的。我偷偷看看我這群退了休的朋友、我算是她們當中最年輕的、距退休也還早、但是她們神采奕奕、在我眼裡好像高中女孩一樣可愛、因為她們是成熟的高中女孩。有人生的睿智、但也不失青春的氣息、一點也不僵化。我們談聖經、談主日的心得、談旅遊計畫、必此鼓勵、彼此在尋開心中提醒彼此要做可愛的老人to be.

小思想大題目

今天、（其實也不只今天）又想了想怎樣的人生才算有意義。（好像每當我不忙的時候、就會想想這問題。可能是想說服自己不忙是okay 的。 Puritan work ethics還蠻根深蒂固在我的系統裡吧。）

多做點工、就可以多賺點錢。但是多做點工、就少點時間在花園裡摸摸搞搞。而且多做點工壓力一定成正比增加、高壓生活久了、我想像自己老得快不說、還會心煩氣躁、不討人喜歡、自己也不爽。我給自己的一個說詞是、如此給自己很多加油時間、心曠神怡、氣定神閒、才能把最好的聆聽耳朵、最敏銳的觀察、和同理心給我的病人。換句話說、我認為要做個好的心理治療師、必須常常清理心靈的殿堂、才能好好接待帶著許多包袱、希望進來歇息的疲憊的人生旅客。

這讓我想到多年前、為了在剖腹產之後能自然生產老二、找到Dr. Fox。他的病人都是高危險群、所以病人不多、這樣他才能給她們高品質的照顧。但是病人必須多付些錢。心理諮詢的費用很高、我自己的解釋是、因為高品質的聆聽是很費勁的、所以一個好的心理治療師一天不能看很多病人。少病人人數、就要用高診費來平衡。心理治療師也要過日子吧。

所以、我常想、一個有意義的生命、到底要用什麼來衡量？如果以工作的多寡來衡量、我今天就真沒意義、因為玩的時間比作工的時間多。我拒絕以年薪來衡量、因為不認為錢賺的多的人的生命就更有意義。如果工作量多寡、年薪、工作性質等、都不足以衡量生命的意義、還有什麼可以？

耶穌的救贖之恩是為每一個願意接受的人所預備的。贖我的價、和贖任何人的價、是一樣的。所以人的價值是一樣的、極寶貴無比、就算他什麼都不作。

我算算銀行裡的存款、評估自己的健康狀態和花錢的態度、習慣、知道自己可以賺錢供養自己、自忖將來應該有衣有食、有房有車、直到我見主面。生活中的東西、如買新衣、買花、吃館子、聽音樂會、做指甲、旅遊等、大大小小都要花錢、我知道我會量入為出、甚至應該感謝我有偶而奢侈的條件、但卻不喜歡必須活在限制裡。

這好像走鋼索。天天都要平衡。時刻都要平衡。雖然好似取得祕訣、不至摔下來、卻不喜歡不能掉以輕心的不自由。有次像友人抱怨、為甚麼每次花錢都要算計、真討厭活在有限的資源裡。他說、不是本該如此嗎？一句簡單的話、顯露出兩種不同的生活態度。我的個性不願被限制、討厭約束、不服現實、所以常自找苦吃。他接受現實的能力好似比我強許多、很多狀況也就不以為苦。我一方面喜歡自己天馬行空、無拘無束的個性、一方面也羨慕有人活在限制中而無不平、省卻許多和自己過意不去的心痛頭痛時間。

金錢時間、愛心體力、都是資源。錢多愛少、愛多錢不夠、時間少愛少、愛多體力少。。。哎呀、好像都不算完善的管理。

想想今天、工作可以。愛心也還有。時間蠻多。體力充沛。應該算okay的一天吧。

（有時我在想、到底有誰會給我打分數呢？？！還不就是我自己。）這種想法裡、還有對上帝的感恩。他不是一個掐着我的脖子要我表現給祂看的神。祂只對我說、“如果你願意學我的樣式、我會賜你所需資源。“ 到哪裡去找、這樣一位神。

Gardening and Sister Fun

Really fun to garden with Lei.

Gardening has drawn us even closer together. Whenever I go to mom's, I'd tour her garden with her. We take delight in looking at the different plants, which we can never name, and their vigorous summer colors. It is a double joy-- joy of the beauty of nature, and joy of being with my sister. I can't but praise the Lord for sisterhood. I love Lei.

I can't believe how excited I have been, looking forward to our weekend project of making some hanging basket together. Like a kid looking forward to a weekend outing to an amusement park, I dream about tomorrow. The fun of talking about what we want to do; the fun of going shopping in a local nursery, or two; the fun of actually doing it side by side in the shade of her patio; the fun of... of course, good food in the end to reward ourselves.

I don't remember how we started this hobby. First, she had her garden redone, and then I had mine. I guess from there, we talked more about our gardens and the interest grew. When I go visit, we would usually sit out to wait for the hummingbird family that lives there, after we are done with our garden tour. She name the "head of the household" hummingbird Joe and we can tell who Joe is and who his wife and child (we assumed it was a son, hence, little Joe) We usually don't need to wait for long before Joe would come back from his patrol of the neighborhood and parch himself on the nearby clothline and stand guard to fend off intruders. He would sometimes watch his wife and son feed on the feeder with pride, and joy. Lei and I would talk.

Temperature has been extremely high, in the triple digit these past few days. No matter what, we are gonna garden tomorrow! Yay!!

童心未泯的貓

Marble是隻同心未泯的貓。

其實牠也不老、才三歲吧。牠和Yoko非常不同。Yoko 一付老謀深算的樣子、not much can excite her. Marble, on the other hand, gets excited over the most simple thing. Like her own shadow.

The other night, I was sitting at my desk, as usual, and heard Marble 爪子抓地的聲音。我起先以為有什麼小蟲引起牠注意、不以為意。沒想到爪子抓地聲久久不停、而且沒有一定的節奏。我好期起身去看、以為自己眼力退化到不行、因為地上什麼也看不見。後來Marble 再抓的時候、正好被我看到、原來牠在抓自己的影子！！

Yoko聞聲而至、像我一樣、想知道Marble 在幹嘛。但牠聞了聞、看了看、啥也沒看見、就走開了。我想、Yoko、你錯過好戲！

Marble很有耐心、玩影子可以玩一個晚上。自得其樂。耳朵豎著、聚精會神看著地上。有時是牠自己的尾巴在動、有時是窗簾被風吹飄動、有時他自己的耳朵動、鬍鬚動、牠什麼都不錯過。有的時候還圍著影子剛剛消失的地方轉圈圈、拖在地上的尾巴掃啊掃的、好像不甘心剛看到的獵物竟然轉瞬就消失眼前。牠也很有耐心、臥在地上、專注眼前、風吹草動牠都不想放過。我倚在門柱、不動聲色觀察牠、心底一陣愛意。牠真可愛。

Marble是個會給自己找樂子的貓。家中什麼東西都可以成為她的玩具。玩累了倒頭就睡、無憂無慮。眼中充滿童真和好奇、炯炯有神、生氣盎然。晚上他喜歡坐在窗台看外面路過行人（狗）晚風吹來、她的鬍鬚和身上的毛微微顫動、是平安最好的註解。我想她為我除去許多壓力、要是我長命百歲、Marble一定有功。

Yoko相形之下憂憂愁愁。總是心事重重的樣子。看什麼都不帶勁兒。看着同伴Marble玩影子、臉上寫著“有什麼這麼好玩？我什麼都沒看到。“就走開了。最近她也學著想和Marble一樣親近人、養了她三年、終於她有點相信我不會傷害她、在我打電腦的時候會走過鍵盤、掃得我一臉一嘴一鼻子貓毛。這個新行徑讓我很納悶。咬東西的習慣好像也好點、讓我不得不把這兩件事連在一起：莫非和人親近讓她心理比較健康、不正常的行為自動減少？人、是不是也是這樣？當人際關係較理想的時候、我們心理比較健全、不正常的行為可能也就不藥而癒了？希望如此。

This Is The Day...

This is the day.... the Lord has made! I shall rejoice and be glad in it.

Life moves on. Feelings change. Some situations change; some don't. What was yesterday, is no more today. I give thanks for a new day. A new day the Lord has granted me so I can glorify his name.

A client of mine cried in session yesterday; first time since her abortion years ago. What was the lesson? She asked, sounding like she still believed in a good God, but no more than that. We make decisions to the best of our resources, including mental and physical strength at the time, and may struggle for years to come , trying to figure out if we have made the right decision. For God's children to believe in His goodness and to cast their hope in His character, instead of life's circumstances, I should say His name is glorified.

Today is the day. I don't know about tomorrow, and yesterday certainly is no more. He remains faithful, yesterday, today and forever. Blessed am I who find salvation in his name.