女兒的眼淚

女兒打電話來。一看時間、已是她那裡的將近午夜。今天晚上斷斷續續打了好幾通電話、不是她要吃飯、就是我在做指甲、三小時的時差、有限的晚上時間、要好好講幾句話還真難。心想她是否又想到什麼、不說不快。原來男朋友說來沒來、說太累了還是回家、她說很失望。說前幾天也是這樣失望、甚至哭了。

眼淚是告訴我們我們失去了些什麼。。。小小的夢。失去了、就想哭。我告訴她、男生和我們不一樣、男生的情緒機關好像開關快些。女生的呢、開、也要時間、關、也要時間。

我們有好多小小的夢。有時候我們還不知道夢存在、夢已經失去。眼淚問妳、那夢是什麼？

她說今晚下大雨。傍晚時分、李打電話來、說會晚點到。她告訴他若太晚太累、就不要來。來一下又要走、不值得。("not worth it" she said.) 幾番電話之後、他決定不來了。她生氣他。

我說、妳嘴裡說不要他來、體貼他累、其實心裡偷偷希望他還是堅持要來。那就是妳小小的夢。她笑說"I don't know..." 但聽的出來、心情已經好多了。但是一旦他真的接受了妳的好意不來了、妳的小小夢碎了、想哭也難怪。

我說多半是女生、太太、倚門等待張望、男生、丈夫、早就睡著了。不是他不愛你、也不是他不擔心妳、但是男生還是能睡覺。她笑。

她說有時寧可沒有男朋友、可以不要為這些“亂七八糟“的事情煩心。我說、那也就沒有窩心的時候。她說、“man....!"

她說、媽媽、妳說明天我該做half white, half whole wheat, 還是buckwheat的waffle 給他吃? I said I didn't know you had a waffle maker. She said, with pride, "that was the first gift he got me! That was even before he asked me to be his girlfriend." 我說他喜歡吃什麼waffle呢？做個他喜歡的吧。"媽媽、他真的是個很好的男朋友。“ 她說。我聽得出她已經原諒他。

她說、我要做half white and half wheat because that's what he likes. 我說“快去睡吧。睡醒他就來了。“

Good night, my baby. Have a nice waffle Saturday morning with the one you love.

I love you.

Dear Al

Dear Al,

you asked about the psychology of making one's private life public by having a blog. without thinking too much, :-) I want to say bloggers yearn for connection, of some kind, with people. You asked about is a transparent person "healthier" than a private person. I would think a person with no boundary and shares everything indiscriminately lacks self respect, but that's just to put it simply. Besides, no one can be completely transparent, as no one knows his/her heart's true condition and we can't choose to reveal what we don't know is there. I share your concern and I don't want my readers to necessarily know everything about me. I stopped writing for a while exactly because I was struggling with the idea that someone is reading my diary!! I came back to write again, believing there is a way to connect with those who happen to be reading, but also to have healthy boundary that I reserve the more intimate sharing for those who are closer to me.

it just fascinates me that we all have this strong desire to be known. sometimes I hate having this desire because it makes me vulnerable. we can easily be misunderstood. Nothing hurts me more than to be misunderstood. I remember as a young Christian years back, I told myself Jesus was misunderstood by the multitude as a way to comfort myself when I was disappointed by the response I got from people, whose empathy and approval I needed as a young person. The desire is still there. I still feel vulnerable. The difference is I have learned that the need to feel connected will never go away for as long as I am human, and feeling vulnerable also comes with the territory so why feel surprised. I have gotten better, however, at identifying who are the safe people that I can reveal more of myself to and I have learned also to grieve in Christ that things are not the way they are supposed to be and comes with the desire to feel connected is the possibility of getting hurt when we fail to connect. This will only change when He returns and rules again. Until then, such is life. I need to learn to continue to love in spite of this because there is no other way.

什麼可以寫、什麼不可以寫。寫的動機是什麼？這是戰戰兢兢的問題。謝謝你的問題、讓我又有東西可以想。我真的認為、there is no such thing as "think too much." :-)

今天早上心裡覺得慌、我現在知道、這種感覺就是靈裡面的飢渴、需要上帝的話語來餵養。需要在祂面前安靜、聽他對我說話。以前我不懂、總在這種時後採取錯的行動來幫助自己覺得好點。可能是email朋友、可能是做家事、可能是。。。寫blog! 可能是吃東西! (oh, my gosh!) 現在我知道來到主前、安靜聽話、少說兩句。聽祂的聲音、simply be a mere conscious human being, stripped of everything I think I possess. 我想這就是聖經中所說的blessed are the poor吧。I want to be poor for Him. 這種慌的感覺常常是存在於許多忙碌的moment中。在忙與忙的空隙中、它讓我們想用更忙來驅走它。結果是惡性循環。I thank the Lord for a quiet morning before I go to work. I thank Him for giving me 可以想的腦筋、可以感受的心靈、可以知道祂的存在的靈。

All Things Beautiful

早上不曉得要吃什麼做早餐、在廚房愰了半天。還是決定做waffle。邊做邊想到我的女同事們、不肯相信在要上班的早上還可以from scratch 做些好吃營養的早餐。看來做多了還是帶給她們吧。有時候我覺得這也許是我的另一個ministry、做東西給沒時間做的人吃。邊做waffle 邊吃、站著喝咖啡、心裡想、若有一天可以坐下來享受、有人做給我吃、該有多好。吃完waffle又想吃點鹹的、決定再做些東西。

到院子去剪九層塔的時候、被一陣子的欣喜襲擊。早上還不熱、院子裡的花個個長得好。九層塔有股香味、簡單的事、竟帶給我滿滿的喜悅。

我喜歡早上安靜的在廚房享受。我也喜歡夜深人靜的時候在書房享受。到底該早起晚睡、so I can have the best of both worlds, or to just go to bed at regular bedtime, and fear that I may lose something precious (what it is, I am not sure), has been a struggle all along. I then realized I was being greedy after all. It's about not wanting to accept the fact that I am only flesh and blood. It's refusal to believe that I am the created and have my limits. 晚上不肯睡的時候、通常都是白天很多事、又忙又累。照理應該趕快去睡覺、但是潛意識中大概頗不情願、好像時間是被人搶走的、現在好不容易可以有時間做點無壓力的事、豈可睡去、“浪費“大好時光！結果是早上起不來、過些時候、又開始懷念安靜的早上時間、也實在需要睡眠、早早去睡、早早起、心想、“早起多好。。。“

這樣的循環不知有多少、中間也有學乖投降的時候、早睡早起、精神好。但是過一陣子、又要貪玩不肯睡。我的神大概看著我猛搖頭、帶著愛憐的眼光看我、對我說、well, I don't need to say more.

How often we play games like this with ourselves. We know what's right but for the life of us, don't do what's right.

What's interesting to me, is 聖經說的“得力在乎平靜安穩。“ 壓力大的時候、其實是最不容易自律的時候。壓力大之後、人只想放鬆歇息、甚至indulge。自律最容易成功的時候、其實是我們一般狀況良好的時候。這有點像是在說、要有力就先得放鬆。但是聖經中豈不充滿這樣的paradox? 要得就先要失、要生就得先要死。

放棄晚上看病人是一大損失。錢少賺不說、（其實錢是一大因素、我只是不肯承認喜歡錢多多的感覺）看病人是我的一大享受。但是白天上班不是已經夠了嗎？當我承認我貪心的時候、放棄就不那麼難了。放棄之後、並不是沒有留戀、只是換來的平靜安穩卻也不是金錢可以衡量。我笑自己、簡單的功課學了一輩子、仍在學。

I thank the Lord, for he never loved me for a reason.

For Women Only

First of all, Rae and I decided to buy our own nail polish so we can swap colors and have double the choices of colors without spending double the money. Okay, it's was my idea.

So we went last Sunday. And we had such a ball at the beauty supply store, with Annie there to help us pay less with her professional license. Some polish colors were from last year and were on sale and that added to the thrill. Women LOVE sales. (I am sure men love sales too, but the excitement women exhibit when they talk about their good fortune... that is something men don't share.) Mom said we were like this when we were little girls: Rae and I would dress ourselves up and walk on grandma's bed as models on runway, with whatever we could find to wrap around our bodies, even our feet had pretend sandals on. Oh, those sweet memories.

Then I got my manicure/pedicure with my new color today. Deciding what color to put on any given day has been a lesson of self awareness. How do I feel today? more pink than brown? more blue than yellow? I am becoming a pro! My sense for color has also sharpened. "I want a little more pink." I would say, laughing at myself at the same time, like, who would have noticed! Who cares?! But I do, and that's all that matters. Talking about self respect! haha.

Linda and I had a great time when she was doing my nails. I showed her a picture of Tim on my cell phone and she said "wow! he is good looking!" and that made me blush, (I guess) like a high schooler. I tried not to smile as I told her how we were planning to go to the beach tomorrow, but hard as I tried, I couldn't but smile. She shared my joy and in her Vietnamese English, said "good man... good man?" I said, "yes, he is a good man." We talked about my color and we were so happy. It doesn't take too much for two girlfriends to be happy with each other. We just talk about how we like to be pretty.

After that I went to Pho70 to order to go for myself. Today is Friday, and Friday is always special for me. What can be a better way to celebrate Friday than to order Vietnamese to go after mani/pedi? As I pointed out to the boss lady what I wanted, she exclaimed "your nail color! It is so pretty! Oh I love that color!" And of course I had to tell her that I just bought the color last Sunday and I suggested I go back to my car to get the polish for her so she can buy it online too! For this, she gave me a 3 cents discount on my order. I was happy. Went back to car, got the nail polish and gave it for her to copy down the color name at the bottom of the bottle. She took out a piece of paper and carefully copied the barcode number. I admired how she wrote her numbers like the French do. While I was waiting for my order, she told me how this color made my skin tone lighter and my toes slender. I felt like clapping my hands.

On my way home, I thought about how I love being a woman.

A Trip to the CPA's Office

It's tax time.

I didn't know this trip to the CPA's office could turn out to be a lesson of encouragement for me.

This is only the second year that I file for tax return on my own. I said to myself after last filing last year that I would be more diligent about keeping records this year. It's almost April, and my record keeping has not been better, yet.

I was befriend-ing the lady helping at my CPA's office by talking to her while she meticulously stapled envelopes to my prepay tax vouchers for the upcoming months and carefully peeling off the address labels from a pile of other labels and pasted them on each envelope. That image stayed with me. My first thought was that I would never be like her and I said to myself that's why she worked in a CPA firm and I counseling clinic. I was surprised by the thought following that: that I could do that too, and remembered the times when I was being orderly and organized. I can do it too. And as I was thinking those thoughts, I was actually feeling more confident and happy about being an adult of my age, still learning to live independently.

I guess by the same way I had deprived TC of the opportunity to perform domestic duties like cooking, cleaning and caring for children, he also had shielded me from having to deal with matters like this, from filing for tax return, to investing money. Maybe we thought we were loving the other person by making life easier for them, but in the end, we resented having to be the only one taking care of certain responsibilities.

The new job, I have learned from the training, requires me to be a good record keeper and diligent about documenting everything and all things. For someone like me, who throws away receipts and doesn't remember to look at the appointment book and hence miss appointments at times. OCD kind of documenting, and paying attention to details certain feels anti-nature and restrictive and even making me doubt if I can do the job right.

I have learned from this trip to my CPA's office that all it takes for me, to be as neat and organized as the lady in the office, is to take a deep breath, clear my head and get to the job.

I can be organized too if I want to.

Comes tax time next year, I will have all the documentation ready. I hope.

Every time I stop my car, I need to jot down the odometer reading! Now that is the first lesson on documentation. ( That is if I want my mileage reimbursed. Sigh.)

在廚房愰

就這樣在廚房愰了一天。大門沒出、二門沒邁。

早上起來完成例行公事、本應該去運動、卻說什麼也出不了門。我和自己摔跤了很久、就是知道該去卻不想去。兩年以前我告訴自己、我也許需要很多的時間復健、把工作量減到最小、社交活動也減到幾乎零、沒想到兩三年之後的今天、仍沒什麼力氣做什麼挑戰性稍高的事。我想我還是有點depressed.

今天一直很sad。也不知道為什麼。

在廚房磨蹭是唯一可以驅走哀傷的活動。切切搞搞、做了個麵包、煮了個lentil soup。做了就有要洗的、洗完了又想到要做些什麼、就這樣來來回回也消磨了一天。我感謝有水可以用、而且還是熱水。一打開水龍頭就有水、我常為這件事感恩。

晚上下起雨來。貓咪和我在家好舒服、心情逐漸好轉、但是那一抹哀傷不知為甚麼揮不去。想我的狗。

Megan送短訊來、說和爸爸在開車去姊姊家的路上。爸爸開車、她說等下該她開、嫌爸爸開得太慢。我們短訊來來去去、都是在講烤麵包、做飯的事。她說我倆是baking buddy。和女兒講話總是開心。想到她爸爸、卻好多的傷心回憶。我想我這一生都無法快樂。

今天想到、人就是朝著棺材走去。來世上走一趟、若不相信有一天要回到創造我的主那裡、這一輩子真是枉然。不會在年輕、女兒長大有自己的生活、又開啓另一個世界、我不可能永遠有她們在身邊。我現在已經想著退休、退休之後日子仍然是過一天少一天。總有那麼一天、我要死去。感謝上帝給我不死的靈魂、這一切才不算白費。

今天是蠻傷感的。。。

Missing Beau

It's been more than a month now I think, but I miss Beau still.

I am sitting here, missing him and crying.

Sometimes I thought I heard his foot steps and I thought I saw him poking his head into my study, or bathroom, or kitchen, to see what I was doing. I dropped some rice on the floor the other night, and almost called out to him as he used to always help me clean the floor. then I realized he was not here any more.

The other day I thought I smelled him. That familiar smell since he was a puppy. I saw the odor control powder I bought not long ago and wondered what I should do with it now that he is gone.

I woke up in the morning and realized I had no dog to walk any more. Neighbors must be wondering, where is that lady and her dog?

There are no mats on the floor anywhere any more. There used to be one in each room. I look at the empty spots, and couldn't move my eyes; I wanted to make sure I did not see them. After all, this is how the "denial" part of the grief and loss cycle I tell my clients is about.

He loved me, and I sure loved him. 15 long years. We were friends. He never found me unattractive; always loved me readily. Tail wagging, ears perked up, body swaying from excitement, mouth slightly open, eyes bright and focused on me, he loved the sight of me.

Sad thing for me was that on the last day, I drove him to his death. And he still loved me.

A good dog, to the last minute. Kind and loving, obedient and smart. Where to find a friend like that. I was everything to him.

I miss you Beau, and I still love you.

Wish to see you in heaven. If you see me first, would you bark?