About Life and Living

I am constantly amazed at how much it takes to manage our own lives.  Not only does it require time and discipline, but it also calls for mental energy to concentrate and remember and the ability to handle stress and de-stress. I am beginning to understand, emotionally, how difficult it must be for most of my clients to... live, and my respect for them increases as I am remembering them.

媽媽說、活著真累。我懂得。

但是活著也真好。這我也懂。人生好像就是充滿這種矛盾。好、但累。想、卻不能。生氣、卻得愛。不想、卻必須。誰能掌握的好、誰才是贏家。

昨天、上完八九小時的班、在回家的路上、只有一個願望、就是晚上不要有人吵我。希望電話不要響。幾乎是爬著回家、把已經癟到黏在一起的胃、用食物一點一點的分開。可是餓過頭、吃完還是不舒服。

趕著看九點中的Criminal Minds. 好在不是重播。或者是、可是我沒看過。一個禮拜才看這一個電視影集、要是重播、我會恨死電視台。看到還剩十分鐘就完的時候、門鈴響！命中注定！

還好睡覺前很愉快。貓狗人各就各位。Before I knew it, I was asleep.

Love Your Enemies

So why is it hard to love our enemies if we believe we are all sinners?

We are commanded to love our enemies not only because we are given love and therefore are in a position to give, but also because we all are created in his image and share the fallen nature of man.  Would it be hard to love one of our own? To most people, that is the most natural thing to do and it is something we should do.  

To say we as Christians, love our enemies, does not make us morally superior.  When we truly know, cognitively and emotionally, that we are NOT morally superior, loving our enemies will become as natural as breathing. 

Giving Thanks Over Breakfast Oatmeal

In my heart, she is my number one patient.  Number One doesn't mean she is the best in any way.  Number One says more about how I feel about her than how good she is as a patient, in terms of being punctual and committed to therapy.

I realize time and again I respect her very much.  I guess when I say she is number one, I mean she is stronger than me if there is such a thing as comparative degree of mental strength.

She looked at the hot bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee one morning, and pronounced her life good.  She gave thanks.

And she has lived with schizophrenia for more than twenty years.

Her family is like anyone else's: dysfunctional.  There had been domestic violence that led to her parents' divorce.  There had been parenting in all the "wrong" ways.  There had been family history of mental illness.  There had been favoritism for boys.  There had been racial discrimination.  There had been financial hardship.  There had been social isolation.  There had been hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital.  There had been living with stigma of being mentally ill, both from the public view and her own.

Yet, she finds good moments in her life when she feels content and happy.  She takes delight in the small progress she has noticed about her mind, and pride shines in her voice.

She is not in anyway even close to being "normal." Medication is indispensable, and social skills are still lacking for her to form deep relationships and find a job and keep it.  Severely violated psychological boundary leaves her with constant fear in her interaction with family members and anyone who tries to be close to her.  Including me.

Yet, she counts her blessings.

Cooking and doing the mundane daily chores used to take all her mental energy and left her high strung.  She can now plan her time a week ahead of time and routine has set in and she finds herself on auto pilot most of the time, like most people, when she cooks and cleans.  Easy.  She even has the mental capacity for future planning and became curious about the purpose of her life.  She wants to know God's plan for her.  She wants a bigger life; one that includes more people and more activities, and, more meaning than just taking care of her father and keeps a house clean.

I thanked God with her and for her.  

After the session, I walked out of the office and the December California sun greeted me.  I thought about how I would give thanks when I felt the warm water coming out of the shower head each morning.  For her, it's a bowl of oatmeal.  We are, after all, more similar than different, because we all are the object of his love.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matt. 6:45.

In Him All Things Are Possible

In Him all things are possible... but I can't fly.

In Him all things are possible... but I need sleep.

In Him all things are possible... but I can't lift more than my own body weight.  ( Do you think if I go to the gym more and work harder and maybe I can?)

In Him all things are possible... but I need food. (One day is the most I can do without food.  But maybe if I discipline and practice more, I can go... maybe two days? and eventually three, four, five days? How about 40 days, like Jesus?)

In Him all things are possible... but my memory is failing me as I age.  Maybe if I find the right kind of supplement, I will not be as forgetful?  Maybe in my spare time if I review things more diligently and I will remember more?  

In Him all things are possible... but no matter how hard I learn, I speak with accent! It has been more than 40 years since I first learned ABC's, jeeze, maybe I need to speak more English; even more!

In Him all things are possible... but I can't forget some things...

In Him all things are possible... but I get angry sometimes. Still!

In Him all things are possible... but sometimes I fall asleep during prayers and it's embarrassing.  Maybe if I try to open my eyes more?

In Him all things are possible... but I feel sad to see Beau get old no matter how hard I tell myself all dogs go to heaven. 

In Him all things are possible... but I die. I pray I get to see his second coming before I die.  Otherwise, I guess I will die.

I thought these thoughts when I woke up at 2:30 last night, (or this morning)  And I thanked Him, because in Him all things are possible, as long as I remain His creation.

捍衛時間

過去的兩個星期每週末都有事. 這星期要忙到星期六的中午才得休息. 我決定要捍衛週末的時間, 即使是天王老爺有請我也不去!

別以為我一週工作八十小時才把自己搞成這樣.  我老早已決定不富有沒關係, 但我要做自由的人. 我的工作時數其實讓很多人羨慕, 但是她們如果知道我賺多少錢, 也許就有另外的想法了. 即便如此,  我一不小心, 也會讓時間表爬滿了事項, 感覺好像割地賠款, 時間一塊一塊地拱手讓人, 自己變成一無所有. 有時人會對我說, “妳真難找,  一定很忙."   語氣中充滿諒解甚至是恭維, 我卻直想歎氣. 我怕忙的感覺, 說我忙就像是提醒我我的失敗.  

每個人多忙才受不了的極限不一樣. 我知道我自己. 超過極限的時候,  只想奪門而逃,  就像今天離開公司的時候一樣.  

逃回家,  坐在書桌前發了一會兒呆,  這才覺得真正的我慢慢的還原. 本來被壓縮的喘不過氣, 裡頭盡是瘴氣. 思想也都是短路的, 脾氣是急燥的,  臉上也笑不出來. 想像力盡失, 對人也無耐心.  那時的我是自己最不喜歡的我. 

要能掌握這個平衡點很不容易,  但是隨著年歲漸長, 對自己更加的了解, 這個點好像也越來越不客氣, 稍微接近它就呱呱大叫, 今天奪門而出的時候就是覺得再不走,  整個辦公室都會聽到它的抗議!

回家已經快八個小時. 除了兩頓飯, 啥也沒做. 和貓咪講講話, 看看牠們梳理彼此的毛衣, 廚房書房走來走去,  點個香香的蠟燭自我陶醉一番, 如此而已. 我想再過一下下, 我就能像從郵寄包裹中打開的內容, 在被壓縮變形之後, 解去繩子膠帶, 慢慢地吸入空氣, 就伸展開來了. 只是那也就到了要睡覺的時候,   然後明天又來了. 

這個週末絕對不許任何人搶走我的時間!

Give Thanks

I am so grateful to be working with a group of like-minded people at Chinese Outreach.

All these years, they have been wanting me to join them but I had always been a volunteer only and was quite hesitant to involve more.  It just didn't feel right at the time.  But this time, after much praying and conversation with myself and JP, I said yes.  And with each day go by, I feel more and more a sense of belonging.  

The peak of that feeling was yesterday when I was introduced to Huang, the famous director/producer originally from Taiwan.  J told me I would like him even before she brought him to the office.  She was right.  I met with him for almost 4 hours and it was already dark when I left the office.  I don't think I have ever been around anyone and felt that kind of freedom to be myself.  I sensed that he was totally not afraid of people judging him and in him I saw God's creation.  We are uniquely and mysteriously and wonderfully and fearfully made.  Each one with our own miniature reflection of who our maker is, if I may say so without thinking too much if this is theologically correct.  And I was quite delighted in the way He made me, and acutely felt the appreciation, both from Him and from myself, only yesterday.  I don't think this is the same as confidence or self esteem.  This is about knowing your "position" in life according to His plan.  Like an infantry soldier, when lined up for roll call, or for battles, you feel "right" only if you are where you are assigned to be.  You will function the best, and you will work with others as a team the best, and you will find the most satisfaction out of living, when you are there.  Only I can take this spot.  I was made to stand here.  

It almost felt like coming out of the closet.  I remembered how Dad named me 夢, when J wrote my name on a piece of paper for Huang to see.  I don't know when this dream would finally come true, who would be in it and what it would be like, but yesterday I felt the anticipation.

All I can say is, I want to give thanks.

Even the Setting Sun...

I was driving home and the sun was setting at the far end of the road.  I tried to look to the right and left to avoid the blinding rays.  I noticed the cars around me also slowed down because the setting sun made it almost impossible to see what's coming up in front of you.  I was going to drop off some papers en route home at the escrow office and couldn't see the street address at all.  It took me two tries and some walking back to find the office because I was totally going blind and had to just guess if I was on the right block.  Once I got out of the car, I still couldn't see because I saw black dots in front of me and if you ever tried to look straight at the sun, you would know how that was.

I thought about Jesus being THE sun.  Even the setting sun for a brief five minutes had such blinding effect on me, I cannot imagine how I would be when I face the real Sun, except the fact that He would be a benevolent Sun and he promised to bless, and not harm, me.

When I left the escrow company, the sun had completely set already and darkness had fallen.  I knew all in all that even as I couldn't see him now, for sure in the morning his will be the first light that awakens me.  And I either will find myself on this side, or on the other side of the world and I welcome the idea of both.