Blessed Are Those Who Are Broken

It was a good session.

I diminished and He increased.

There was something about her that I had been trying to put my finger on but couldn't. It was obvious tonight. She is so... together on the outside. Proper in her manners; well groomed even when she was exhausted from work and school; good English usage and clear pronunciation; hands neatly folded on her lap; checks always made out prior to her session so she could give it to me in the beginning of our time; always ample time of notice for any cancellation or rescheduling which are rare. She never seems out of sort. One time I was about one minute late and she asked if I needed time to gather myself. Friendly and receptive and seemingly open minded and eager to learn about herself. Pays full fee. A "good" client. But I didn't think we were going anywhere, until tonight.

We talked about the many losses she had gone through and she tried to stay together by pushing her tears back. I said to her, "I saw tears but you seem to have pushed them back... " And she asked the question, "Why cry?I don't want to feel broken." And God spoke to her through His own word, "...so you shall be comforted." She looked at me and said "I like that..." softly. We both sat there quietly like two little kids, in awe of the Master's powerful but gentle presence.

Feeling broken is a place she doesn't want to be. But feeling broken is where she needs to be before she could love more deeply. When she first came to therapy, she talked about how she wanted to love her family more. When she found herself unable to feel, especially around her mother, who divorced her father when she was 8, she was... curious, almost concerned, for herself. She doesn't want to be angry with her mother but wants to just love her, even though her mother's many decisions seem to have been causing her grief, among other decisions and changes the family had gone through after the divorce.

So my together client decided she could be broken tonight. And that's how her healing would start.

Un Bel Dia

That's the famous aria in Madame Butterfly, the opera by Puccini. One that I heard my dad hum again and again til I memorized the tune, first along with his vinyl record when I was little and then with his Walkman after they moved into their San Gabriel house.

The association is always like this: it's a beautiful day with sunshine, and I feel like doing laundry and as I am getting the fragrant clean laundry out of the hamper to line dry them, I think of the song, and then dad.

I think I have said this so many times, to different people, on different occasions, that to me, blessed are those who know to enjoy "Un Bel Dia" like this. Meaning line dry your clothes and not resort to the dryer.

High tech takes away our chance to befriend the nature, and in return, allow the Nature to heal us. I have come to believe that healing needs to take place on a daily, if not moment by moment basis. For all things big and small, there will be emotional responses and hence mini traumas here and there. We may not feel it, but as the cumulative effect manifest itself in our sudden unexplainable sadness, however subtle it may feel, and/or any out-of-proportion emotions that surprise us only after that fact, we know healing is overdue.

Listen to the silence in the morning before everything wakes up; listen again to it at night after everything goes to sleep. Hear the wind chime sing, and watch the hummingbirds take pride in their wings. Take a deep breath. These are some of my preferred ways to let God heal me through His creation. Blessed am I.

on the day when lions sleep with lambs

I see that glimpse of heaven almost all the time.

This afternoon, I found them, again, on my bed, being buddies.

Yoko loves Beau and would be always on the lookout for him. She lays down next to him and cleans his ears and jaw, like his caregiver. He loves her too, and would use his big tongue to wipe her face. She wouldn't let anyone handle her in that kind of a rough manner, but she doesn't mind him at all.

In their friendship, I see heaven.

Three Things That Made Me Happy...

The other day I was driving by this church to go to work and saw a heavy-set bride in her white wedding gown coming out of the church with her wedding party around her. I felt so happy for her. I was happy that someone was able to see beyond her physique and loved her enough to want to spend his life with her. I am thankful that no matter how we are, there is always someone who loves us.

On my way back home today, I found a self-engineered motorbike in front of me. What struck me was not the way the bicycle/motorcycle was made, but what was on the back seat of it. I was a milk crate and a chihuahua riding in it. It also made me happy to see the rider reaching behind himself with one arm, from time to time, to make sure the little dog was still there. Both persona dog looked content and happy to me. The little dog was wearing a harness for his safety and he looked comfortable in the crate. I said a short prayer for him because I wasn't sure if the safety precaution will indeed ensure his safety. His owner must love him enough to want to take him for a ride on this Memorial day morning and I am happy that they were enjoying each other's company and that they had each other.

To my left as I stopped at a stop sign was a young father pulling a wagon, stopping at the intersection. In the wagon there were three little kids and a stuffed animal horse as big as the biggest of them. Four of them stuffed in the red wagon. I love to see young fathers spending time with his children. No work for him today I guess, and he chose to take his kids for an outing. I don't know whose idea it was to bring the stuffed horsie too, but at least he thought it was okay. He could have said, no, the wagon was too small (it was) and he could have said, I already have my hands full, (and he was)with you guys. Instead, horse came along. That made me happy. Not that I am fixated at toddlerhood and I wanted the horse, but the fact that a stuffed animal was sharing the ride with three babies in a small wagon, was innocent enough to make me happy.

God Bless You, My Possum Friend...

I hate possums.  It's their looks!.  The long snout, narrow eyes, coarse fur, hairless long tail, clawy feet and the worst combination of colors white and gray and pink.  I also think they are very stupid, and I have very low tolerance for stupid creatures.  They come out at night, and they just love to cross the street at night times when visibility is poor.  What for? The other side of the street is the same like this side of the street.  Tress and shrubs and houses.  And they get run over by cars when crossing.  In the morning, when I walk Beau down the street, I would see the gruesome sight of their smashed body, except there is now more red than pink.  And they have this expression on their faces that says, "It all happened too fast!" because most of their eyes would still be open and their mouth half open, leaving me to see their crooked teeth.  They look even uglier!

This morning I saw a gray lump in the middle of the road, and told myself, "not another possum!" As I walked up more, I saw this possum was different from the others.  This on was still alive!! He was still moving!! He must have been hurt because only his head was bobbing up and down, in a frantic attempt to escape the coming  cars.  His face spelled horror.  His two short front feet were moving a little, but they seemed too weak to propel his body forward.  He looked at me.  I looked at him.  At that moment, I felt sympathy for him, and wondered what happened to my disgust for his kind.  I stood there for a while.  Several cars sped down and they swirled around to avoid smashing him.  I imagined his fear.  What do I do? What COULD I do!

I continued with my morning walk, trying to decide if I want to take the same road back because I wasn't sure I could manage to avert my eyes so I didn't have to see his dead body.  I figured an hour was more than it would take for some car to hit him.  Would I feel guilty? I would be the last one to see him alive.

To my surprise, I didn't see him! I looked up and down the road, using several landmarks to assure myself I was looking at the right spot.  Indeed he was not there.  And there was no sign of recent accident.  Beau was sniffing the nearby grass.  I looked around me, and didn't see any trail of life, or death.  He had evaporated! Poofed! Gone!

After a few minutes of disbelief, mixed with doubt and boy-was-he-lucky, I walked on, thanking God for his protection for all creatures, big and small, beautiful and ugly.

For that brief moment of exchanging eye contact, I felt that young possum was my friend.

How to Have a Great Morning

Go to bed when you feel sleepy the night before.  Don't try to be super(wo)man.  Just be a human being and gladly submit to your fleshy limitation.

Wake up naturally after eight hours of good uninterrupted sleep.  If you honor your body and consistently do so, your body will work with you and you both will be happy, and healthy of course, unless the Almighty has other plans for you, that is to say.

Go outside to take some fresh air in.  Look around you to appreciate His creation and what the night has done to restore the nature.  Pick up paper if your dog has not already done so for you.  No need to groom yourself just yet.  No one will notice that.  They are still asleep.

Turn on the radio and hope they will be playing Haydn's Creation.

Stand in front of your stove and slowly caramelize some onion. A beautiful cookware like Le Creuset  will certainly add joy to the process.  They say onions are good for you, and I say caramelized onions are better for you because it takes care of your soul too.  You need to stand there for about 20 minutes for this process but if you take delight in watching the onion pieces transform, you won't notice the time.  Manual labor, stirring in this case, is good for us.

Next you want to have a colorful omelette to set the tone for your day.  You scramble and add  three egg whites and one yolk to your caramelized onion so you feel good about staying low fat but getting your protein need met. You want to sprinkle some cilantro, freshly picked from your spring garden and not chopped, but snipped with your fingers before they land on your settling omelette.  This way, you eliminate having to wash the cutting board and knife, hence saving water and time and your day stays beautiful even after you eat.  Cleaning up needs to stay minimum.  Fringe benefit is that your fingers will smell cilantro after you feel the robust life in the seemingly fragile, willowy looking cilantro when you snip them.  Oh, if you want more colors, you add some diced red bell pepper, and green, and orange, if you can afford them. A dollop of double roasted salsa rojo (red) will be great if you need more perking, or simply want to be naughty.  

Make coffee and let the aroma fill your house.  Remember to time the coffee with your omelette, so you can have your first sip piping hot! Nothing is sadder than luke warm coffee.

Sit down.  Say your grace.  Offer praises and thanksgiving.  And enjoy.

One reminder.  Chew slowly.  Train yourself to be not only more ladylike, but let your senses help you appreciate His creation.  You will not only be full, but satisfied soulfully. 

都是小事

生活中的大事其實都是小事拼起來的.

昨晚下大雨. 我坐在後院棚子底下看狗吃飯. 一樁小事.  但是帶給我心靈無比的平靜和滿足.

早上蹓狗回來聞到咖啡的餘香, 不敢相信自己的房子會這麼好聞. 駐足幾秒鐘再吸一口以確定我沒有搞錯. 好開心住在有咖啡香味的屋子裡.  外面還在下雨...

那天在外面曬衣服, 忽然覺得自己是個很幸福的人.  也再一次肯定自己在有些事上不信邪是我仍要堅持的生活理念,  比如說曬衣服.  我一向都曬衣服,  烘乾機只是備用.  曬大了兩個小孩, 也把曬衣服的嗜好傳給了他們.  把衣服一件一件掛在曬衣繩上面,  把他們拉直, 順便看他們一眼, 香香的衣服和暖暖的太陽加上可以聞到東西的鼻子, 都是小事.  但是帶給我無比的感恩. 日落之前收衣服也是一大享受. 日照之後的衣服有一股特別的香味, 對講究環保的現代人來說, 那一刻我也可以算盡上一份力,  節約了能源. 我慶幸孩子們能有親身的體會, 好像我這做母親的在他們的生活百寶箱中又添了一樣寶物, 是很多現代人所失去的. 這是一件小事,  但是將是我的傳家寶之一.

昨晚入睡前聽到雨滴打在屋頂上的聲音. 我想我是帶著微笑入睡的. 躲在軟軟的被窩裡, 貓狗都在身邊, 大家相安無事, 聽雨入眠. 這是一件小事,  可是它帶給我一夜好眠. 無夢.

蹓狗的時候聽到急迫的吠聲,  一聽就知道是隻有 "小狗情結" 的小狗! 順著聲音看過去,  果然是隻修剪的好漂亮的小白狗. 我這隻大黑狗看看牠 , 搖搖尾巴, 一點不以為忤, 也不太當回事兒,  悶著頭繼續往前走. 我覺得挺好笑的.  大吵大鬧的人是否以為這樣人就怕他, 因而聽他讓他? 看樣子不見得. 這是一件小事,  但是幽了我一默.

有時人讓我們不開心, 我們自己勸自己, 那不過是一件小事,   但是幾百件這種小事加在一起就變成了大事.  到那時我們也許還納悶, 我是怎麼一回事, 為了一樁小事生這麼大氣,  流這麼多眼淚. 

有時我們得罪人,  但告訴自己,   那不過是件小事, 結果過了一陣子 , 人家不理我們, 我們還納悶為甚麼遭如此待遇.  

有時我們在睡覺的時候仍處在超壓狀態,  但我們認為那是一件小事. 幾年之後醫生說我們有高血壓,  我們可能還覺得冤枉. 又沒有家族史, 又注意吃得健康, 甚至還比一般人多運動, 為甚麼是我?

我們該吃的時候不吃,  該睡得時候不睡,  該哭得時候不哭, 該笑的時候不笑,  該生氣的時候不生氣, 該講的時候不講, 該聽的時候不聽....   我們說,  那是一件小事.  可是就是這些小事讓我們身體不好, 讓我們與人有嫌隙, 讓我們不開心, 讓我們發脾氣,  讓孩子學習不專心,  讓年輕人生活無動力,  讓大人灰心失望. 

因為大事可能都是由小事拼起來的.

 

About Life and Living

I am constantly amazed at how much it takes to manage our own lives.  Not only does it require time and discipline, but it also calls for mental energy to concentrate and remember and the ability to handle stress and de-stress. I am beginning to understand, emotionally, how difficult it must be for most of my clients to... live, and my respect for them increases as I am remembering them.

媽媽說、活著真累。我懂得。

但是活著也真好。這我也懂。人生好像就是充滿這種矛盾。好、但累。想、卻不能。生氣、卻得愛。不想、卻必須。誰能掌握的好、誰才是贏家。

昨天、上完八九小時的班、在回家的路上、只有一個願望、就是晚上不要有人吵我。希望電話不要響。幾乎是爬著回家、把已經癟到黏在一起的胃、用食物一點一點的分開。可是餓過頭、吃完還是不舒服。

趕著看九點中的Criminal Minds. 好在不是重播。或者是、可是我沒看過。一個禮拜才看這一個電視影集、要是重播、我會恨死電視台。看到還剩十分鐘就完的時候、門鈴響！命中注定！

還好睡覺前很愉快。貓狗人各就各位。Before I knew it, I was asleep.