Blessed Are Those Who Are Broken

It was a good session.

I diminished and He increased.

There was something about her that I had been trying to put my finger on but couldn't. It was obvious tonight. She is so... together on the outside. Proper in her manners; well groomed even when she was exhausted from work and school; good English usage and clear pronunciation; hands neatly folded on her lap; checks always made out prior to her session so she could give it to me in the beginning of our time; always ample time of notice for any cancellation or rescheduling which are rare. She never seems out of sort. One time I was about one minute late and she asked if I needed time to gather myself. Friendly and receptive and seemingly open minded and eager to learn about herself. Pays full fee. A "good" client. But I didn't think we were going anywhere, until tonight.

We talked about the many losses she had gone through and she tried to stay together by pushing her tears back. I said to her, "I saw tears but you seem to have pushed them back... " And she asked the question, "Why cry?I don't want to feel broken." And God spoke to her through His own word, "...so you shall be comforted." She looked at me and said "I like that..." softly. We both sat there quietly like two little kids, in awe of the Master's powerful but gentle presence.

Feeling broken is a place she doesn't want to be. But feeling broken is where she needs to be before she could love more deeply. When she first came to therapy, she talked about how she wanted to love her family more. When she found herself unable to feel, especially around her mother, who divorced her father when she was 8, she was... curious, almost concerned, for herself. She doesn't want to be angry with her mother but wants to just love her, even though her mother's many decisions seem to have been causing her grief, among other decisions and changes the family had gone through after the divorce.

So my together client decided she could be broken tonight. And that's how her healing would start.

Un Bel Dia

That's the famous aria in Madame Butterfly, the opera by Puccini. One that I heard my dad hum again and again til I memorized the tune, first along with his vinyl record when I was little and then with his Walkman after they moved into their San Gabriel house.

The association is always like this: it's a beautiful day with sunshine, and I feel like doing laundry and as I am getting the fragrant clean laundry out of the hamper to line dry them, I think of the song, and then dad.

I think I have said this so many times, to different people, on different occasions, that to me, blessed are those who know to enjoy "Un Bel Dia" like this. Meaning line dry your clothes and not resort to the dryer.

High tech takes away our chance to befriend the nature, and in return, allow the Nature to heal us. I have come to believe that healing needs to take place on a daily, if not moment by moment basis. For all things big and small, there will be emotional responses and hence mini traumas here and there. We may not feel it, but as the cumulative effect manifest itself in our sudden unexplainable sadness, however subtle it may feel, and/or any out-of-proportion emotions that surprise us only after that fact, we know healing is overdue.

Listen to the silence in the morning before everything wakes up; listen again to it at night after everything goes to sleep. Hear the wind chime sing, and watch the hummingbirds take pride in their wings. Take a deep breath. These are some of my preferred ways to let God heal me through His creation. Blessed am I.