For two days now, I have been feeling unhappy. I notice the mood change after I had the phone conversation with her. She told me how she ran into John and shared with me what they talked about.
The strange thing was, I started to feel unhappy but didn't know for what. I allowed myself sometime to experience what I thought was going to be sadness, and because I was just about to go to bed when she called, I thought I would cry a little and then fell asleep. That was not what happened. I didn't cry. But I was unhappy. So it must not be sadness I felt. When people are sad, they want to cry.
For two days now, I am still unhappy. Still don't know why. I am amazed at human's capacity for self deception. The reason(s) for my unhappiness remained hidden from me and as much as spend quiet time with myself, praying and reflecting and searching, I still was not clear. Some hints, but not clear.
Being the way I am, this has become a more interesting, than distressing phenomenon for me.
Then I was reminded of this verse : "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." (Psalms 42: 5)
Wanting to know has been characteristic of me. Knowledge about why things are and why people are the way they are and why I am the way I am has always attracted me. I am curious; I want to know. I want to know so I can make good decisions, and I want to know so things make sense to me. The problem is, there are things I don't know, and most times knowing doesn't do much at all in terms of help me love better, which is the epitome of God's commands.
Putting my hope in God needs to be a constant effort. The opposite of unhappy is not happy. It is the ability to look upward to Him. It is the commitment to move forward with him and not stuck in the present, or the past. It is the will to go to work, take care of myself, stay connected with friends and family, trusting that feelings come and go, but He doesn't change and He is a good God.
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