Returned Mazda6 today.
As I was waiting outside the dealership office for the ride back home, I looked at it one last time. A lone car under the afternoon sun, in the customer parking lot. I said goodbye to it, and felt very sad. That's when I realized this car had been "mine" and mine only, for the past two years. I didn't know saying goodbye to something you own can feel this way, because I didn't think I had owned anything by myself prior to the divorce. The Mazda was the first and the only thing that I decided to own(lease) and then say goodbye to.
Everything else, the previous cars, the house and whatnot, had been owned by me but for some reason, didn't feel like mine and therefore when I needed to part with them, it was easy. No sad feelings. I think because I didn't make the decision to acquire them in the first place, I never felt they were mine.
But Mazda was different. I made the sole decision to lease it, and I was the only one driving it and taking care of it. I made sure it was clean on the inside and I made sure it smelled certain ways and I decided on what kind of liquid to use when I washed it. I felt 100% ownership. I was fully responsible for it. It was MINE.
When I look back at my life, I see images, caught in time, like pictures in the album of my memory. Today, Mazda in empty parking lot was added to that album.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Modern Eden
"So he said,'I hard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.'" -- Gen: 3:10.
God said, "Where are you?" Adam said, "...because..." He didn't answer God's question; he was rationalizing his behavior. He comes out from his hiding, facing God, knowing all too well what has happened, and must be feeling too guilty (to God) and shameful (feeling he must have toward his own "nakedness") to say, "Here I am, my Lord." I suspect we need to have a clean conscience to stand before God and just answer him. If we feel the need to explain ourself, it must at least involve guilt and shame. I think we do this when we interact with people, too. When we feel we can't just give an easy and straight forward answer to a simple question, there must be something going on internally that we are unaware of. "Where are you?" and "Why are you hiding?" are different questions, and when Adam heard the "where" question, what he really heard was "Why are you hiding?" Don't we do that oftentimes too?
"What time is the concert?" "I am almost ready!!"
"Is that a new dress?" "I did NOT use your money."
"Has our son eaten yet?" "Why do you think it's my duty to feed him?? You can do that too!!"
"Have you cleaned your room yet?" "Do you not know I have millions of other important things to do?"
And our answers help blind our understanding of ourselves. Out of touch with our own feelings.
God is a good therapist. "Who told you...?" oftentimes, we are the ones who tell us all sorts of things about ourselves. Some incorrect. I believe God wants to help us see when we have disobeyed him, but what we see is our imperfection and how bad we feel about ourselves (naked-- all exposed...) and that we should hide even from... God, instead of coming to Him and confess and seek redemption.
What a interesting dialogue. By calling it interesting, by no way am I discounting, diluting, minimizing the grave nature of Adam's sin, and certainly not being amused by this tragic event. I find it interesting because in a way, they understood each other very well. Or I should say, God sees Adam and his motivation so very well and how He was trying to help Adam come to Him so He can remedy his wrongdoing. And I see how Adam knew where God was going with His questions, but decided to get busy with defending himself. God wasted no time when he saw this, and confronted Adam with the real question; "Have you eaten...?" It was like saying to Adam, "I know you have eaten..." not a question really, and Adam blames Eve. So typical of humans. Instead of admitting and repenting for our own behaviors, we look for someone to blame.
Alas, what happened so long ago in the Garden, I see its rerun everyday in my counseling office, and even in myself. Have mercy on us, Lord...
God said, "Where are you?" Adam said, "...because..." He didn't answer God's question; he was rationalizing his behavior. He comes out from his hiding, facing God, knowing all too well what has happened, and must be feeling too guilty (to God) and shameful (feeling he must have toward his own "nakedness") to say, "Here I am, my Lord." I suspect we need to have a clean conscience to stand before God and just answer him. If we feel the need to explain ourself, it must at least involve guilt and shame. I think we do this when we interact with people, too. When we feel we can't just give an easy and straight forward answer to a simple question, there must be something going on internally that we are unaware of. "Where are you?" and "Why are you hiding?" are different questions, and when Adam heard the "where" question, what he really heard was "Why are you hiding?" Don't we do that oftentimes too?
"What time is the concert?" "I am almost ready!!"
"Is that a new dress?" "I did NOT use your money."
"Has our son eaten yet?" "Why do you think it's my duty to feed him?? You can do that too!!"
"Have you cleaned your room yet?" "Do you not know I have millions of other important things to do?"
And our answers help blind our understanding of ourselves. Out of touch with our own feelings.
God is a good therapist. "Who told you...?" oftentimes, we are the ones who tell us all sorts of things about ourselves. Some incorrect. I believe God wants to help us see when we have disobeyed him, but what we see is our imperfection and how bad we feel about ourselves (naked-- all exposed...) and that we should hide even from... God, instead of coming to Him and confess and seek redemption.
What a interesting dialogue. By calling it interesting, by no way am I discounting, diluting, minimizing the grave nature of Adam's sin, and certainly not being amused by this tragic event. I find it interesting because in a way, they understood each other very well. Or I should say, God sees Adam and his motivation so very well and how He was trying to help Adam come to Him so He can remedy his wrongdoing. And I see how Adam knew where God was going with His questions, but decided to get busy with defending himself. God wasted no time when he saw this, and confronted Adam with the real question; "Have you eaten...?" It was like saying to Adam, "I know you have eaten..." not a question really, and Adam blames Eve. So typical of humans. Instead of admitting and repenting for our own behaviors, we look for someone to blame.
Alas, what happened so long ago in the Garden, I see its rerun everyday in my counseling office, and even in myself. Have mercy on us, Lord...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Things That Make Me Happy (8)
Tie a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree...
But no, I am not talking about yellow ribbons but yellow roses for Mother's Day!
I came home yesterday, and saw yellow shadow on my porch. Upon driving up and getting a better look, I realized they were flowers in a vase. Turned out it was from my dear daughters! I read the message over and over again and could not believe after the pizza stone they ordered me for my birthday, they got me gift for Mother's Day too! Getting two gifts in less than two weeks for birthday AND Mother's Day feels really nice! And they remembered I loved yellow roses!
That made me VERY happy!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Kabocha Bread
昨天是很忙的一天。買了車、又回來處理一些頭痛問題。曾一度覺得life is falling apart. 不曉得是天氣熱的緣故、或者是超壓的結果、也許兩者都有。臉上發熱、胸口發緊、頭發脹。買車的歡喜都不見了。沒感覺。像我的許多clients、問他們對一些事的感受、很多時候他們都告訴我、沒感覺。我想在超壓的情況下、我們的生理狀態和優先考慮、是生存、而不是體會感受。
我卻選擇在昨天做這個南瓜麵包。一面做、一面質疑自己決定。第一次嚐試用攪拌機做麵包、也不是麵包機、像食譜主人的建議、也不是我自己的老法子--用手揉、而時折衷的用攪拌機中的和麵功能來作。食譜建議的做法過程又複雜、材料也講究。是費時費工的麵包食譜。我一面想、只有瘋子才在這麼煩又累的一天裡、來作一個又麻煩又沒做過的麵包。但是、想做的念頭既然已經有種子、又萌了牙、不讓它長成成品好像也不行、就這樣、一直做到晚上。恰巧晚上看我的"24"電視影集、又是緊張到不行。中間廣告時間還去check烤箱溫度、放麵包進去、在等廣告時間、再去檢查。但是、等麵包出爐的那一刹那、所有的緊張、壓力、辛苦、都一掃而空。臨睡前、還忍不住切了一片來嚐。鑽進被窩、看看小說、聽著風鈴的聲音、看不到兩頁、已經被瞌睡蟲爬滿眼睛。Life is falling apart的感覺不復存在。我竟然可以說、“Life is good!"
Baking 的魅力如此。
Monday, May 3, 2010
Where to Find A Good Friend?
I wish when I tell you something that bugs me, you could listen and listen well.
That means you don't judge me. Please don't say things like, "How could you have done that?" or worse, "How dumb!" "You are crazy!" and worst of all, "I told you."
I know you know more than I do. I know you want the best for me. (From your point of view, though.) I know you hate to see me hurt. I know you want to save me from headaches and heartaches. I know you want me to be tough so you don't have to feel sorry for me. I know you think you are doing the right thing as a good friend. What you don't know is, you are not living my life, and you can not be responsible for the consequences that I will have to face.
I know when you hear me talk about stuff that bugs me, you will have all sorts of thoughts and feelings. But this moment is not about you. This moment is also not about proving yourself to be the right one. This moment is not about what YOU want to say, to hear, to do, or to want to see happen. It's about me wanting to tell someone something. That simple.
You maybe wiser, and you may be logically right. Or you simply are right. But that does not change the fact you are not the owner of the problem. And you have no right to make other people's decisions for them.
I am not saying you can't say what is "right." But then, what is "right?" I can sense it when you just want to push your own agenda and impose yourself on me. If you want to prove to me I am wrong and you are right, you will probably win the debate, but in the end, proving yourself right can cost you our friendship. Would you still want that? I can say to you, "yes, you are right, after all. And I am wrong. " in the end, but I may also decide never to tell you things about me any more.
To listen well is a process of denying the self. In order to listen to well, we need to suspend all our thoughts, withhold judgements, and govern our emotions so we don't project them onto our venting friend. We need to give the person total respect, and trust that they have all the resources within themselves to decide for themselves. Even if they don't, but as long as they think they do, we should refrain from jumping the gun and encourage the person and empower him/her to solve her own problems. Even if your friend begs for your advices, we need to be careful in giving out advices regarding someone else's life. You will know if they truly want your input and if you don't know, you are not a good friend in the first place. All the more reason for you to say nothing and just listen. See how much you can learn about your friend by listening and listening to understand, not listening to find where the pause is so you can take over and show off how well you know about your friend's predicament, and how rich your resources are and use that time to feel good about yourself and feel important and useful.
Too often, we think we know. Too often when we tell a friend in suffering the should's and shouln't's in their lives, we feel morally superior. Too often, we think we are God and can judge. Knowing right from wrong is not the same as judging. I need a friend who understands the difference.
Speaking the truth in love. We are to speak the truth as God's children. Sometimes we pay a price for speaking the truth. But when it comes to your friend's maladies, understanding, respect, mercy, hope and readiness to lay down your life for your friend, lay the pathway for truth to come forth.
No wonder I find no friend anywhere like that. I only find such friend in Jesus. And there is only one Jesus. How can I not love Him and need Him?
That means you don't judge me. Please don't say things like, "How could you have done that?" or worse, "How dumb!" "You are crazy!" and worst of all, "I told you."
I know you know more than I do. I know you want the best for me. (From your point of view, though.) I know you hate to see me hurt. I know you want to save me from headaches and heartaches. I know you want me to be tough so you don't have to feel sorry for me. I know you think you are doing the right thing as a good friend. What you don't know is, you are not living my life, and you can not be responsible for the consequences that I will have to face.
I know when you hear me talk about stuff that bugs me, you will have all sorts of thoughts and feelings. But this moment is not about you. This moment is also not about proving yourself to be the right one. This moment is not about what YOU want to say, to hear, to do, or to want to see happen. It's about me wanting to tell someone something. That simple.
You maybe wiser, and you may be logically right. Or you simply are right. But that does not change the fact you are not the owner of the problem. And you have no right to make other people's decisions for them.
I am not saying you can't say what is "right." But then, what is "right?" I can sense it when you just want to push your own agenda and impose yourself on me. If you want to prove to me I am wrong and you are right, you will probably win the debate, but in the end, proving yourself right can cost you our friendship. Would you still want that? I can say to you, "yes, you are right, after all. And I am wrong. " in the end, but I may also decide never to tell you things about me any more.
To listen well is a process of denying the self. In order to listen to well, we need to suspend all our thoughts, withhold judgements, and govern our emotions so we don't project them onto our venting friend. We need to give the person total respect, and trust that they have all the resources within themselves to decide for themselves. Even if they don't, but as long as they think they do, we should refrain from jumping the gun and encourage the person and empower him/her to solve her own problems. Even if your friend begs for your advices, we need to be careful in giving out advices regarding someone else's life. You will know if they truly want your input and if you don't know, you are not a good friend in the first place. All the more reason for you to say nothing and just listen. See how much you can learn about your friend by listening and listening to understand, not listening to find where the pause is so you can take over and show off how well you know about your friend's predicament, and how rich your resources are and use that time to feel good about yourself and feel important and useful.
Too often, we think we know. Too often when we tell a friend in suffering the should's and shouln't's in their lives, we feel morally superior. Too often, we think we are God and can judge. Knowing right from wrong is not the same as judging. I need a friend who understands the difference.
Speaking the truth in love. We are to speak the truth as God's children. Sometimes we pay a price for speaking the truth. But when it comes to your friend's maladies, understanding, respect, mercy, hope and readiness to lay down your life for your friend, lay the pathway for truth to come forth.
No wonder I find no friend anywhere like that. I only find such friend in Jesus. And there is only one Jesus. How can I not love Him and need Him?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Things That Make Me Happy (7)
I have two of them now.
Those tiny dainty girly shimmering whining ones are not my type. I love baritone wind chimes. French horn kind of sound they make. The four of us, Marble, Yoko, Beau and me, spend most evenings at my desk(Beau at my foot, of couse; too big for desk, duh...), with the laptop either on or off, with a cup of some, usually sweetened, (alas!) drink, (these days it's honey lemon tea my friend Nicole gave me,) and we listen to the wind chimes. Its sound takes us (me, I don't know about them.) to a faraway place and I just praise the Lord for peaceful time like this.
A few days ago, we had rain. And it was breezy too. So it was pitter-patter plus dong dong dong. I was in heaven. :-) If I can feel this elated, imagine how my heart would burst with joy when I get to the real heaven! And it won't be just one night, but for eternity. Beyond all measures... incomprehensible...
Jim Sjveda on KUSC last night was playing Mozart's piano concerto No. 21, in C major, for the May pledge drive. He said when listening to great music like this, it is really hard to think that we are only what the Darwinians say we are. Not a Christian himself, he said something like, "are you telling me this is all there is? (referring to how the evolutionists say we are as a specie.) There's got to be more than this..."
Halellujah! I know this is not it. There is more-- in Christ!
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