Things That Make Me Happy (6)

Like my attitude with a lot of other things in life, I have been thinking, researching, contemplating, considering, planning and finally, making this no-knead bread. And it was a success! It made me really happy.

I made it once before, but that time I wasn't really prepared to make it well. Sort of just read the recipe through, and okay, I can do this and let me do it... now. What was missing last time I had this time, and I think that made the difference. It was the element of -- time.

It took 24 hours this time, as compared to, maybe just half a day last time. I rushed into it last time, but I was fully prepared this time. Viola! The wait paid off.

The recipe says you don't need to knead it, but you need to give it time to rise and let Time do the work.

Like a lot of other things in life, instant anything usually only gives temporary satisfaction. And of less value. Instant oatmeal is less nutritious. Instant coffee leaves a bad after taste. Love at first sight rarely lasts. Quick money is gone quickly too. Crash diet doesn't change lifestyle and the pounds creep back faster than you could imagine. Intimacy with God doesn't happen overnight. Parent-child relationship takes time to deepen.

I was willing to devote 24 hours of my time to have this bread, the wait actually felt good because I was hopeful.

Anticipating Jesus' return, am I not also hopeful and do I not also find the wait worthwhile?

Feeling Rich in the Face of Mortality

Birthday is coming up. Had a good scare the other day, thinking about the years in the past and how many more in the future? Every day is a day closer to the end. There is no way around it. No escape. I get this kind of scare once in a while. I think it's a good thing because being reminded of my mortality humbles me.

And then this morning over breakfast, (it seems good thoughts come to me during breakfast time often, while sad thoughts and self-pity frequent me more at night.) I felt my heart swell with the feeling of being "rich." To me, that means there are so many good things awaiting in the immediate future.

Good books I want to read, for one thing. On my list is a re-read of C.S. Lewis' "Surprised by Joy," and a new novel "Matterhorn...(something subtitle) about the Vietnam war. I felt like a ballon, full of hidrogen, and about to fly away at the thought of reading these books, that I had to tell myself to finish breakfast first before I jumped up and turned on my laptop to order these books. This much self-control I had learned. It wasn't always like this before.

A quiet night by myself, for another thing. My house is a place of respite for me. With my dog and cats, garden and angel, and Le Creuset/All-Clad/Viking range in the kitchen, the bedspread, the candle, all smelling right, and the wind chimes outside my desk window, and KUSC and its lovely D.J's... It was still early in the morning, but the thought of coming home in the evening, excited me.

Learning how to be a better gardener, for yet another thing, and the vast knowledge of gardening available online, makes me look for a time in the week when I can sit down and browse. And I feel rich knowing it's there. The excitement is there. The possibility is there.

And those recipes! I have so many that I want to try. I will never be bored! That makes me feel rich. Strange... I have dug out Deborah Madison's vegetarian cookbooks and started thinking about eating less meat. That's another possibility.

So scared of dying, yet so excited about living. Counting my days on earth, I don't feel I am having less of anything as days go by, but I am having more with each new day. What would you call this, if not blessing?

Things That Make Me Happy (5)

My angel came yesterday!

I have been wanting to get a bird bath for my back garden and been looking here and there, including, of course, online at Amazon.com. Originally, the idea was just to have running water in the backyard. Since the backyard does not have outdoor power outlet, my options were limited to solar powered ones. But then I worried about the solar panel not working properly and the water would just sit there. After much searching and thinking over, one day I ran into this (online) angel.

She holds a water bowl and it lights up at night (solar powered after all... ) and gives her upper body a faint glow of blue.

It cost me $160+ including S/H!!

That's me, though. And my visual instinct. (I suspect i am most like my dad in this, and I am proud to be his daughter. When I think of him even now, I am always filled with fond memories.)

Some people may say, "oh... it's only 23" tall??" but I'd say, "but I love it!"

I looked at it again this morning, and I was really happy I bought it! It's not tall, but my garden is not big either. The water bowl is small, but what do you expect, the angel herself is only 23" tall!

Now all I need is for the neighborhood birds to find it!

Things That Make Me Happy (4)

早上遛完狗到院子愰一圈。愰著愰著就開始澆花。心裡想、完了。本來是要去運動的、花一澆下去、“強迫症“就會被引發、不澆完不會停、澆完就太晚、就不會去運動了。我身體裡這根神經自己很清楚、每當它被觸及的時候我也知道、引子一旦點燃、就順著引線一直燒、不燒到頭不能停。真奇怪。I am so aware of this internal activity, and I don't like it, but for the most part, I let it take charge of me. Awareness doesn't necessarily bring about change. Something more powerful is at work here. 追根究底、I think it's because I don't value going to the gym more than I value the time I spend, watering my flowers. Well, that's understandable though. The gym means hard work, sweat and 麻煩(maybe i am really really lazy because the only 麻煩is parking/locking the car and walking up to the gym. what 麻煩 is there??) but watering the flowers means pleasure... and pleasure and... pleasure.

My day doesn't start until I am done showering, and this morning, like all mornings, I decided to take care of 煩人的事first before I shower. That took a whole morning. Lunch was supposed to be at noon. I am very regular and pride myself with it. Besides, 肚子就是在十二點的時候會餓、it's not that I have to have lunch at noon. (Sounds like I was debating with someone.) 煩人的事took so much of my time!

As I sat down to have lunch, i was surprised by the butter I deliberately left on the table the day before (but forgot) and now was at room temperature. Butter knife cut through it with no resistance at all! I LOVE room temperature butter! I was too cheap and for more than once at Sur La Table, wanted to but didn't buy this little butter thingie that claims to keep butter soft. I thought of it again today. Maybe I will just buy it next time. If you value something, but don't spend time, or money on it, you are lying. I believe in that. Or I thought I did.

Room temperature butter!

Learning to Have A Voice

The funny thing was: as soon as I typed out the title for today's entry, I thought I heard reprimands from my Christian brothers and sisters. And it went like this: "why do you even want a voice?" "Deny yourself and bear your cross!" "why is it so important to have your voice?" So it was like the first response I thought I was going to get, if I ever shared this with anyone, was judgement, instead of understanding. Isn't that... weird?

I have been reading 鱷魚的黃眼睛。女主角很像我。離婚之前和之後、都只會在別人給她的文件上簽字。

以前、我簽字因為我信任。而且無法跟上同伴的腳步、也不適應他處理事情的方式。與其糾纏、我選擇照簽、因為我只有如此多的時間和精力、覺得授權給人全權處理是對的態度。何況男主外女主內的觀念、根深蒂固在我心裡、我也認同這樣的合作關係、so much so that if my daughters decide to live by this value, I would encourage them. I thought that was very Biblical. I still do. 在二十一世紀講這個、我是politically incorrect的不得了、也許有人會認為我太落伍、或什麼的、但是我就是這樣。由於這個指導原則瀰漫在我生活中、I lived by it. At the time, it was very "me" to do that.

以後、我簽字因為我想維持好關係。也實在不願意花精神在我一向不看重、但是卻很重要的、錢、的事上。again, it is very "me."

我有時一不小心、就會落入kicking myself的misery裡面。責怪自己、恨自己不為自己說什麼、即使有時心中不平、或有疑惑、或實在不贊同。落井下石自己、“活該“ 但那是一種很不好的感受。我不認為愛我的神想看到我如此。

所以我告訴自己、我的用意是好的。我一向看重與人和睦相處、也是自小的庭訓、也是要被稱為“乖“所必須附上的代價。我最乖、家人常說。小時候糊裡糊塗、聽到如此誇奬、得意和心中委曲常共存。明明覺得委曲、因為有不公平的地方、想哭、卻因忍氣吞聲、贏得“乖“的讚美。既然哭會惹來責罵、不如乖乖、讓大人喜歡。長此以往、忘記自己是誰、卻很會扮演被指定“乖“的角色。乖乖長大、她的延伸就是乖乖的妻子。只為簽字的妻子。只會同意、因為不知道如何不同意、仍能保持家中和樂的氣氛。總以為這兩者中只能選其一。多笨哪。

將近一百萬的房子都簽了字要賣、才想起沒有見過地產經紀人。所有有關房子的決定、竟都是透過別人轉述。我想沒有人能原諒我的無知。我卻原諒了自己、告訴自己、從來沒有鍛鍊過的肌肉一定是軟弱的。從來沒有發出聲音的人、會驚訝於自己可以發聲。趕快要來經紀人電話、打電話去自我介紹、並要求直接聯繫、不透過第三者。放下電話、覺得自己好像又長大了一點。和變老的感覺不同。是羽翼豐滿的感覺。是強壯的感覺。是聰明的感覺。都是好的感覺。

印象中的自己、好像都是十二歲。剪著短髮、留著瀏海。都是媽媽的想法。眼神中流露的是對周遭事物剛萌芽的理解、或不理解。困惑吧。善良、卻被人欺負的莫名奇妙也在我眼裡可以看到。而且無人保護。所以也有哀傷。那時後已經愛想、進入青春期、懵懂中開始好奇做個女人是怎麼回事。大概也要乖吧。乖的人是很好處理的、you know, because she doesn't have a voice.

耶穌很奇怪。有聲音、卻又沒有聲音。我想學。

像小孩子的樣式

(Chinglish blog is a blog still...)

前天去參加一個一天的conference to hear Marsha Linehan talk about "Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and training skills" at UCLA. In a room of about 350 mental health professionals, I counted only a handful of Asian looking people, all women. I ran into a few of them in the lady's room and realized they were all American born, judging by their accent free English. I wonder if that's why no one talked to me, or maybe it's because I wore the face that said "I don't want to talk," and that was really how I felt -- I was there to take in, and I didn't want to talk. Someone at my table tried talking to me by asking me about my agency. After hearing the words "Christian counseling," they politely said, "Cool..." and the conversation stopped. I had a feeling if I had said I was a Zen counselor, they would have been more interested. And we just finished hearing Dr. Linehan talk about "acceptance." Sigh...

Dr. Linehan had us do an exercise on "observe" as part of practicing to be "mindful." She said we could choose anything we had and just look at the thing and pay attention and notice everything about it. Take an interest in it. Observe it. Just take in information and be curious. I thought about what Jesus said about, "要像小孩子的樣式“和進天國。我手上拿的是一支原子筆。端詳了半天。你會想、一支筆友什麼好看。老師還說、拿起來聞聞也可以。我忽然想到、小孩子就是這樣。看看、聞聞、甚至還咬咬。一隻筆可以玩上半天。看了又看。覺得挺新鮮。從來沒見過。不但好奇、還很開心。C.S. Lewis也說、謙卑的人就是對別人有好奇心的人。難怪耶穌說進天國的人都是如此。當我們見多了、我們就不再覺得新鮮、驕傲就慢慢的爬到我們心裡：這有什麼了不起、我看多了。甚至屬神的事情、我們都以為自己懂得了、說“還不就是這麼回事。“ 於是我們不再興奮、不再帶勁、不再想知道。

我端詳著這支筆、想到耶穌的話。

宜箴打電話來。“媽媽、 I just have to call you. I saw this... puppy, 用力地跑去追主人丟的球。so cute..." 一件簡單的事、狗追球、帶給狗、狗主人、宜箴和我、極大的歡愉。

我想、當我們像像孩子一樣為一件單純的事開心、又“用力地跑“ 的時候、我們的主該是開心的看著我們取悅祂。而其他的基督徒、就好比旁觀的宜箴和旁聽的我吧、也會感到無比的joyful 吧。這個用力跑的歡愉、不光是來自於討好主人、而更是在於對這個用力跑的狗狗、追球這件事本身就是充滿刺激、幾乎是本能裡必須要做的事。我希望能像這隻小狗追球一樣、追求神國度的事。

我想做個為耶穌追球的小狗。求主助我卸下年齡帶來的世故、求主助我除去因受傷帶來的設防和不信任、求主助我脫下驕傲、對祂和祂的創造、包括我自己和周圍的人、能天天有好奇、所以雖然日復一日、週而復始、我卻不厭倦人生。“我的肉體雖然衰殘、內心卻一天新似一天。“