Birthday is coming up. Had a good scare the other day, thinking about the years in the past and how many more in the future? Every day is a day closer to the end. There is no way around it. No escape. I get this kind of scare once in a while. I think it's a good thing because being reminded of my mortality humbles me.
And then this morning over breakfast, (it seems good thoughts come to me during breakfast time often, while sad thoughts and self-pity frequent me more at night.) I felt my heart swell with the feeling of being "rich." To me, that means there are so many good things awaiting in the immediate future.
Good books I want to read, for one thing. On my list is a re-read of C.S. Lewis' "Surprised by Joy," and a new novel "Matterhorn...(something subtitle) about the Vietnam war. I felt like a ballon, full of hidrogen, and about to fly away at the thought of reading these books, that I had to tell myself to finish breakfast first before I jumped up and turned on my laptop to order these books. This much self-control I had learned. It wasn't always like this before.
A quiet night by myself, for another thing. My house is a place of respite for me. With my dog and cats, garden and angel, and Le Creuset/All-Clad/Viking range in the kitchen, the bedspread, the candle, all smelling right, and the wind chimes outside my desk window, and KUSC and its lovely D.J's... It was still early in the morning, but the thought of coming home in the evening, excited me.
Learning how to be a better gardener, for yet another thing, and the vast knowledge of gardening available online, makes me look for a time in the week when I can sit down and browse. And I feel rich knowing it's there. The excitement is there. The possibility is there.
And those recipes! I have so many that I want to try. I will never be bored! That makes me feel rich. Strange... I have dug out Deborah Madison's vegetarian cookbooks and started thinking about eating less meat. That's another possibility.
So scared of dying, yet so excited about living. Counting my days on earth, I don't feel I am having less of anything as days go by, but I am having more with each new day. What would you call this, if not blessing?
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