Pulling up to the parking space underground at Whole Foods today, I was relieved that there were too many cars and I could pick and choose where I wanted to park. So that's is aging sign number one. You like vacant parking lot, not that because this way you don't have to fight with others for a space, but because this way you can choose to park where it's easy to back out later, and not at some turn corner, or between cars. As I inched my way up the space, I was careful not to bump onto the concrete block on the ground. I was going probably only next to zero mph.
It dawned on me that I did this because I knew I was alone, and on my own and couldn't afford for things to go wrong, literally. And emotionally. Sense of insecurity eats on the confidence and I slow down to protect myself. Eyes getting bad, limbs less nimble, sense of balance unreliable, financially limited, emotional strength sipping away, I know I don't have the luxury to take risks. I used to joke about me being fearless (except for trips to the dentist) but now I am more fearful.
The other day I found myself sitting there, in nothing mode. Blank. And that was what I needed. In silence, it felt like parts of me were being restored, or rather, preserved. The old battery feeling came back; I charge for hours, only to find energy level low after very little use.
I also suspect mild depression.
But most people won't understand the feeling of lethargy. So I tell no one. That's when my clients all of a sudden felt like family. They'd know. It's not about will power; who'd not want to be able to get up and just do what you need to do. I feel like an lawn mower which can't get started no matter how many times and how hard you pull the thingy upward. (Do people still do that to "turn on" their lawn mowers anymore?) Somethings just don't click together; all the sparks are for nothing. You keep pulling it, trying to ignite it, and the moment you stop pulling, it dies.
I was 30 when I lost my twins. I was surprised the sorrow didn't crush me. Or it did. Maybe I am only starting to grieve for the many losses in my life. Is that what old people do? That they finally have time to reflect, and come with time, thoughts and feelings and memories. Too late to go back to change anything and too late to have work things out. Physically you can't.
Driving by my own house the other day, on my way from work to somewhere, the thought that I want to die at home struck me. It was not a sad moment though. More like when you finish reading a book, you put it down. 把書闔上。Done.
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