抓蟲、養天然酵母、綠色生與死

These are the things I do on a daily basis nowadays.

一天早上、發現在並沒有風的時候、有一朵花在微微顫動。我靈機一動、把花翻轉過來、果然不出所料！一隻叫不出名字的肉蟲在啃蝕我的花。從那天以後、我早上巡視花園、做了抓蟲專員。到目前為止、抓過三種不一樣的蟲、只有毛毛蟲叫得出名字。但是那不重要、重要的是我每天除害。今天早上竟然發現一隻毛毛蟲發展出和我的粉紅色petunia 一樣的保護色、還有一隻鮮綠的、好個紅花配綠葉！我毫無不忍之情、處死了它們。這盆花掛在porch屋頂上、不知它們如何爬上去的！有時翻轉過葉子和花、還會發現像無殼蝸牛般的小肉蟲、它們很靈光、第一次沒抓著的話、它們就捲成一團、掉到土裡、讓你很難再將她們拾起處理掉。我的辦法是、趕快跑到後院、找到剪刀、再跑回前院、用剪刀把她們。。。（你知道的）誰敢入侵我的花園、我就跟它拼了！

以上是死。以下是生。

養天然酵母是目睹生命跡象出現的過程。從麵粉和水、變成會冒泡泡的酵母。我每天又巡視、可是這次是室內活動。看看酵母寶寶活動情形、是否充滿生命力。一早一晚加水加麵粉、餵養它們。眼看氣泡出現、聞到酒香、心想下週可以用它們做酸麵包、是我多年的心願。以前做過多次、都失敗必須扔掉。這次多些知識、心情上輕鬆些、（因為網上老師提醒要做好心理準備會失敗、但只需丟掉重來）效果比過去好得多！記得以前、放在烤箱養它們、頻頻探視、好像看在保溫箱中的寶寶、那份緊張和期待、到現在仍記得。尤其是小心翼翼捧進捧出之後、仍然因為變成粉紅色（壞掉的跡象）而必須丟掉的時候、那份不甘與無力感！這次看樣子成功在即、心中忐忑不安。

最近越來越覺得丟掉廚餘非常不安心。早上丟掉咖啡渣滓也覺得很對不起地球。天然酵母到一定時間要丟掉一些再繼續養、看它和昨天切剩的包心菜一起躺在水槽、等待處理、每天早上一壺咖啡的渣滓也同樣的要處理掉、我想也許我該開始弄compost了。這一年我都沒有用紙巾、改用布餐巾、省錢、省得製造垃圾。沒有微波爐、日子照樣過。一步一步讓環境更加綠化、心中有種感恩。

這世界非我家

你不覺得這個世界是一個很奇怪的地方嗎？

人人都覺得自己在愛著某個人或某些人、可是大部份的人總有時候感受不到別人的愛。有時我們用“健康“的愛、“優質“的愛去愛人的時候、被愛的對象反而可能覺得你不關心、或你太冷漠、甚至有見死不救的嫌疑。

我覺得愛一個人、就是要給他空間做自己的決定。

“我該點什麼吃？“ “你自己決定。“

聽起來漠不關心？還是充滿對對方的尊重？

“你要不要我來看你？“ “你想來就來。“

聽起來是否你不要他來看你？還是你希望他能自主決定、來或不來、你都能接受、都能尊重？

畢竟、“要不要“是個人的決定、取捨是個人的。不是嗎？“該不該“的標準是卻是外在的、但即便如此、一個人不是應該可以決定他“要不要“臣服於“該不該“的外在標準？解放黑奴時期、外在的“該不該“說黑人不該與白人平起平坐、但是有些民權的領袖卻決定 “不要“ 認同這個標準和限制、導致黑奴的解放、是尊重天賦人權的覺醒和人類文化的進步。

難道只有少數有領袖眼光的人才有如此“進化“的觀點、能有足夠的自我力量（ego strength) 和道德勇氣、先是認知自己的觀點、然後申明自己的觀點、從而帶動社會的改變和文明的進步？

平常人與人的相處、難道不能有這樣的表達？

父母說我“該“唸醫、但是我知道我“不要““不想“唸醫、所以我寧可讓他們誤會我不孝、卻堅持自己為自己的生命做決定？

你說我如果愛你、就“該“如何如何、但是我知道我愛你的方式和你期待和習慣的方式不同、我是應該順著你習慣的方式愛你、以致對你沒有帶來益處、還是我應該用“健康“的愛愛你、雖然你感覺不到、甚至以為我不愛你、可是如果這種愛、終究使你堅強、使你成功、使你變得更“好“、我是否該堅持？

我們原來都不會愛。是上帝先愛了我們。祂的愛是怎樣的？祂的愛是有所為有所不為的、雖是無條件、以我的本相接納我、但是我要蒙福、確有一定的路線、是祂的路線、是清楚指示過我的路線、是不隨情緒改變的路線、是能說“不“的路線、不是“婦人之仁“的路線、是有時看似“殘忍“路線、是堅持的路線、是讓我變得更像祂、而不是變得更像天然的我。

人很奇怪、習慣了錯的愛、當被“正常“的愛愛的時候、反倒不習慣呢。健康的人在一大堆病人中間、反而會被視為不正常。

A Living Example of Emotional Eating

I was really excited about the permission from next door landlord to do as I wish to plant the area his gardener cleaned out a couple of days ago, which is a narrow strip of ear on his side of the property line, but visually an integral part of the front view of my house. So I headed to the nursery to pick my plants.

After I shopped to my heart's content, and found what I thought would look good for that part of "my" garden, I pulled the wagon to my car to unload. With no assistance from the nursery staff, I needed to stop the wagon from slipping downhill by one hand, and use my other hand to unload the pots to the trunk. I decided my clumsy big handbag needed to be put somewhere to free myself more as it kept sliding down from my shoulder as I bent and straightened myself initially. I put the big purse in the trunk. A funny, but alarming thought came to me, "Just don't lock it in the trunk!" And before I knew it, I was done unloading and shut the trunk!

There I was, feeling naked. No purse. No cell phone. Nada. I didn't even feel I had limbs. Totally stripped! Luckily, just the day before, I decided to put the sticker of roadside assistance where I was instrusted to by the car's user's manual. I read the phone number on the sticker, and repeated it to myself so I wouldn't forget, as I walked back to the nursery to borrow a phone. They were very nice to me and let me use the store phone to call for help. After several rounds of Q and A, I was told to wait by my car.

As I stood on the roadside, straining my neck so as not to miss the tow truck, I noticed my own fleeting thoughts. I thought about what my girlfriends would say about this, and my guy friends. I thought about the fact that i had not had any donuts for a long time now, because there was a big donut sign across from where I was standing. I thought about this and I thought about that. Then I became detached and observed myself thinking these thoughts and decided to "find out" how many different thoughts I could be thinking. But that was impossible because when you tell yourself to observe yourself, you are not you anymore. You become who you think you are and should be. So that was quite funny. I then thought about my Sunday school class tomorrow and trying to form a lesson plan. Might as well make the best use of the wait, which I was told to be up to 50 minutes. But lesson plan was quickly "interrupted" by other irrelevant thoughts. I read the plant labels on different plants on the sidewalk; I paid attention to the traffic flow and noticed some bad drivers, some angry, some indecisive, and some really self-centered. I saw some rich ladies driving shining Mercedez and wondered what their husbands did. It was interesting that the thought that they earned themselves the car never crossed my mind. I then wondered how come I was not one of them.

I also prayed. And wondered what an "appropriate" prayer would be like for moments like this. Should I be praying for the speedy arrival of my rescue? I didn't think that was mature. And I also had a hard time believing that God would mind such trivial business. I found this theology debate with myself interesting, and revealing, of what my beliefs are. But I didn't have time to finish the debate because then the truck came!


"Am I glad to see you!" I told him as I had rehearsed. (I thought he must hear that a lot but decided one could never be appreciated too much.)

Less than one minute after that, I was on my way home.

I decided since I didn't have a good lunch, because I was too cheap to buy and too lazy to cook, and now I was both hungry and dehydrated and emotionally drained, I needed food. Swung by Golden Deli and bought two orders!

Came home, had late lunch, finished one pint of Haagen Daaz ice cream and half a watermelon(small) Nonstop. Now I feel better.

The unexpected. The decision making. The stress of not knowing. The worries. The fear. The helplessness. The powerlessness. They deplete you of emotional and mental energy. To refuel, food is the most convenient. Simple and fast.

Luckily, my weight can allow such occasional impulsive, but satisfying indulgence. But I have learned to respect my physical needs. They are irrational, but powerful. If I ignore them, wrongfully believing that somehow I was not made of flesh and blood, or circumstances make other needs more dire and these physical needs to eat and drink are left unattended, over time, they become so powerful and demanding and it will be very hard, if impossible, to not succumb to them.

強迫的愛

如果你看到她抱著她的貓的樣子、你絕對不會懷疑她很愛她的貓。當初也是她要收留這貓的。她為牠買了粉紅色的脖圈、給牠挑選不同口味的貓食。從學校回來她也會急著找牠。

但是她的愛裡也有強迫。你看到的時候你也不會懷疑她在虐待她的貓。只是如果你叫她不要如此虐待貓、她絕不會同意。對她來說、愛你包括強迫你、因為她從小也是被強迫的愛愛大的。她並不知道、高貴的愛、有品質的愛、是要讓愛的對象自願回應。強迫的愛、是為自己的益處、完全不考慮、不同意、也不會尊重被愛的對象的意願。 她認為、我愛你就是要把我認為是好的東西塞給你、如果你愛我、你怎麼可能和我不同？愛、就是要在一起。身體要在一起。想法要在一起。好惡也一樣。計畫要一樣。夢想要一樣。方法要一樣。連死亡都不能把我們分開。愛、對她來說、就是我們倆一模一樣。如果你膽敢和我不同、我會很傷心、因為那表示你不愛我。

所以她給貓咪塗指甲油、貓咪縮回“手“表示不喜歡、她一定會拉著貓咪手、同時告訴牠、你不順著我的意思、你就是“不乖。“好像她小的時候、如果不願意接受父母的愛意、也許不想穿母親叫她穿的某種顏色的裙子、或者拒絕吃父親要她吃的某樣水果、他們就告訴她那是她不乖。

所以她給貓咪洗澡。貓咪恨水、拼命要逃。她當然不會放過牠、結果貓咪抓傷她、她罵貓咪壞貓、又是不乖。她急著想把自己的愛、用自己的方法送給貓咪、貓咪臉上的害怕、聲音中的抗議、她當然是看不到的。她一心一意認為、貓咪在掉毛、愛貓的主人應該做點什麼來照顧貓咪、很自然想到為貓咪洗個澡。洗完澡、他自己感覺盡到責任、心事也了了。卻沒有注意到、受了驚嚇的貓咪、正躲在椅子底下、慢慢修復備受創傷的心靈。對人類的信任、被洗澡水也洗掉了一些。

所以她抱著貓咪的時候緊緊摟著。貓咪想走的時候、當然也是被冠上不乖的罵名。不但如此、她絕不會輕易放掉貓咪、一陣拉扯之後、貓咪才能逃脫。她當然不能明白、貓咪為甚麼拒絕她的愛。她不能了解、別人（貓）不一定總是愛她所愛。

我擔心、將來她的丈夫、或男友、如何掙脫她愛的魔掌？而她呢？會不會在男友受不了而離開的時候、還萬分傷心、困惑、不明白為甚麼她愛的人要離開她？我也擔心、如果男友要離開、卻掙脫不掉的時候、是否也會像貓咪一樣抓傷她？甚至打她？我看到將來的她、要不總是很傷心、要不總是很生氣。而且她會認為、她的不悅、都是別人“不乖“引起的。

聖經說、愛是不求自己的益處。不能只因為自己爽、就照著自己的意思去愛。還覺得自己是個很會愛人、又願意為別人操勞的人。真正的愛、需要學習放下自己的益處、以愛的對象的益處為優先考慮。真正的愛、了解別人和我不同、她們不是總和我一樣、而我需要尊重這個不同、允許這個不同。如果因為對方表達出不同、就失去愛的確據和感覺、甚至生氣對方的不同、那麼當對方受不了的時候、她就會離開。

我愛你、這個水果對你好、你要吃。非吃不可。這是強迫的愛。這不是愛。這是把自己的意思、強加在別人身上。這是只有我、沒有你的瘋狂虐待。我愛你、我覺得冷、所以你一定也覺得冷、所以你要穿上我為你帶來的夾克。你若拒絕、你就是不愛我。否則你怎會在我冷的時候不覺得冷呢？你不乖、你也很奇怪、所以我更要把你變成跟我一樣、所以你非得穿上夾克不可。這不叫愛。這是以自我為中心、以自己的標準來衡量別人。凡不合我標準的都是錯。這不是愛、這是自大與驕傲。

真正的愛是、我愛你、這個水果很好吃、希望你也吃一口。但是如果你不要、你可以不要。就這麼簡單。因為你和我不同。這和愛沒有關係。

有時去茶樓飲茶。好心的服務員會介紹你嚐試她推車中的茶點。如果你不要、有的服務員會變了臉色。也許她在想、我這麼熱心推薦給你的茶點、肯定是好的、你竟然不要。這樣的服務員、心理上沒有疆界。她就是她推車中的茶點;拒絕茶點就等於拒絕她。所以臉色怎麼會好。也有其他服務員、同樣熱心、但是你說不要的時後、她能愉悅的走開、不會給你臉色。這樣的服務員知道、你只是拒絕車中的食物、並不是不喜歡她。

強迫的愛好可怕。強迫的愛讓人窒息、讓人想逃離。強迫的愛使愛的對象變成怪物。本來好貓變成會抓人的貓。本來讓人親近的貓變成見人就逃的貓。人不是貓。但是人被強迫的時候、絕不會變成更親愛、也許本來的一點愛、強迫之後就蕩然無存了。留下強迫的愛的主人、傷心又困惑、等著下一個愛的對象出現。

天下太平

送走了女兒們和女婿、家中恢復清靜、剩下貓狗和我、和新來的一對小鳥。我們都不太出聲、比風鈴還諫默。

女兒找到好工作、我替她高興、也十分以她為榮。但是她要離我遠去; 遠到很東邊的地方去。這一去、不知道要到什麼時候。她說已經買好感恩節的飛機票、要回來過節。但是那和住在身邊不同。

我曾經在她出生的時候、告訴自己、十八年之後我的任務完成、就可以享受自己的生活。也告訴自己、她十八歲的時候、我可以為自己做些對自己有益處的決定、不致於被孩子牽絆。她昨天過了二十二歲生日、今天帶著行李開始獨立的日子。她說不習慣自己新的身分和新的自由。從此不用伸手向父母要錢、可以存款用在自己喜歡的事上。她說不惜慣自己有自己的公寓、自己的廚房、可以按自己的喜好來佈置和添置。她雀躍的說存到錢要帶媽媽去旅遊。我也挺不習慣。還記得她小時後牽著她的小手去上學前班、更記得她出生時第一次躺在我身邊的感覺。昨晚矇矇睡意中碰到她的手肘、有大人的身量、沒想到二十二年就如此過去了。

她們都走了。我的屋子恢復以往的平靜。我感謝上帝、我們都平安的完成了人生中重要的旅程碑、各自上路。但是作為人母、沒想到放手的感覺除了期待中的輕鬆以外、還加上了淡淡的哀傷。

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

Don't cry over spilled milk, hm...

So if the milk is spilled, how am I supposed to feel? I know I should clean up after it, but how else would I feel other than... sad? Maybe? Am I allowed that feeling? And if I feel very sad, can I cry?

Let's say someone betrays you. Okay, so you decide you won't be friends with them any more. But how would you feel?

So you have experienced injustice. Is feeling angry okay? So angry that you need to let the flame out of your mouth and you talk about the injustice incessantly for a few days, with a few friends. They tell you, "so just get over it..." But what does "get over it" mean? Not feeling bad feelings? Not feeling at all? Because when there is injustice, we just don't feel any positive feelings.

If and when I look at the divorce paper and the "settlement agreement" and feel misunderstood and sad, will you tell me, "What's done is done. No use feeling sad for what's done." Am I supposed to just forget about it and feel nothing? How does one only feel good feelings and when it comes to the ugly side of life, one simply feels numb? Nothing. Is human heart such that we can tell it to go into non-operation mode when it's time for sadness and anger and hurt and disappointment and all those other negative, but nonetheless powerful feelings? Can we choose to only feel happiness and not sorrow?

Crying is no use, people say. Crying doesn't solve problems. Crying can't bring the dead back. Crying can't make bad things go away. Crying can't save your marriage. Crying can't do a lot of things. Crying makes one feel weak; no one wants to feel weak so we tell ourselves we shouldn't cry. But we shed tears because we feel too sad on the inside. Big drops of sadness well up in our heart and it overflows into our eyes and tears come out. How do you stop the internal container of sadness from overflowing when something very sad happens in life? Like when someone dies. Like when someone leaves. Like when you love someone but can't be with them.

Crying can't solve any problem. But crying is what humans do. A real person cries. And laughs. If someone only laughs, he is only half alive.

When i feel sad, I am going to cry. As simple as that.

人為寵物的犧牲

二貓一狗陪伴我、但是也牽絆我。

早上不得多睡。總是差不多的時間、狗就來床邊走來走去、意思是叫我起來帶牠出去走走。怎麼說都聽不懂、非得起來。一旦起來、牠知道我每一個舉動的順序。與我同步。同一路線、同樣的點做同樣的事。通常遇到同樣的狗和同樣的人。這、帶給我安全感。

要出門就麻煩了。牠頭兩天總不吃東西。我人在外、心懸家裡。怕牠以為我不要牠。怕照顧她的人不懂牠的話、怕牠的需要被忽略。又怕麻煩別人、寫“照顧狗說明書“又寫不清楚、纔知道那些寫使用者手冊的人有多偉大。也不曉得旅行時的心慌、是真的因為擔心狗、還是自己心裡不踏實的反射。一再告訴自己、在也不養了。只是不知道那一天真的到來的時候、是否仍能堅持？

看電視時牠有一定的位子、我也得讓牠。今天給牠買了個新的墊子、牠不喜歡、繞著墊子走、怎麼也不肯上去睡睡看。我只好又拿回店裡退。挑來挑去、選了一個感覺牠會喜歡的、回家來帶著看榜的心情、看牠反應。好在牠聞了聞、看了看、決定接受、我這才敢把標籤剪掉。

牠寧可渴死也不從碗裡喝水。要喝水時站在浴室門前回頭看我、意思是要我給牠開開水龍頭、牠要站在浴缸前喝水龍頭流下的水。我聽到水聲嘩嘩、心疼水費、想到加州常年鬧水荒、很生氣牠、常叫牠快點喝。牠喝一喝還要喘口氣、聽到我叫牠再喝、牠還真的再喝兩口。最近訓練牠非得從水碗中喝水不可。假裝沒看到牠站在浴室前。前幾天牠渴到不行、猛喘氣、我硬起心腸相應不理。這兩天好像牠妥協了、偶而聽到牠喝水的聲音。希望這次訓練成功、對大家都好。

貓咪晚上睡在我兩側、翻身也翻不動、拉被子也拉不動。有時手腳擺得不對、也無法調整。睡起來腰酸背痛、自問所為何來、自找苦吃。可是看到牠們那可愛的樣子、竟也覺得值得。也許有人覺得不可思議、但是我是一個願打、一個願挨、沒得辦。

Marble有時愛跳到我脖子上圍著我好像條圍巾。我走來走去還得半彎著腰省得牠掉下來。一面吃早飯、看報紙、有時還得一面把掃到臉上的貓尾巴拂開、才吃得到看得到。看電視的時候、牠坐在我腿上、我看完要看的、牠也不知道起來、睡得香甜、我不忍吵醒牠、只得繼續坐到腿發麻。

出門的時候、一身都是貓毛。久而久之、也就不以為意了。

Yoko愛咬東西。衣服襪子鞋帶一不收好就會被牠咬個洞。心想若是孩子有不良行為、也不應該把孩子送走、所以一直留著牠。現在四歲了、壞習慣仍不見改善。獸醫說牠太小離開媽媽、口腔期的慾望沒有滿足、可能是愛咬東西的原因。我益發覺得牠可憐。告訴自己隨手收好衣物也是好習慣、所以一回家所有的換下的衣物都立馬掛好。有一次球鞋忘了收高、第二天穿的時候才發現鞋帶被咬斷。每天得疊床、把床罩塞好、否則枕頭床單都被咬洞。無法享受漂亮的床罩和裝飾的枕頭。無法像雜誌上把漂亮的浴巾疊好放在水池邊或洗臉台下。有幾次牠咬壞我心愛的衣服、我氣得直想揍牠、但記得養貓雜誌上都說打牠並不能教牠改、一輩子也從沒有打過人、實在不知如何、也不想打牠。忍一下、氣也就過了。

牠其實蠻可愛、特別照顧狗。幫忙牠清潔耳朵和臉。看牠一個人臥在電子上、會走過去睡在牠身旁。狗也會領情的舔舔牠。

晚上牠們都有自己的地方。到了睡覺時候、各就各位。我若不睡、牠們還覺得奇怪、會來提醒我睡覺時間到了。

狗老了、看不清楚聽不見、大半時間在睡大頭覺。看門的工作就由貓咪來做。只要看貓咪的表情、就知道是門鈴快要想。前次地震、半夜裡貓咪先跳下床、我被吵醒、轉瞬間地就開始震動。狗還呼呼大睡呢。

我們四個、作息差不多。唯一的不同、大概是我上班、牠們睡覺。早上鬧鐘響之前的五秒鐘我們都先醒了、狗走來、貓咪跳下床要吃早飯。晚上我關上燈、大家一起睡。日復一日、年復一年。安全感？規律？死板？枷鎖？家？習慣？我只知道、暫時改不了。

我在想、人為寵物如此犧牲、好像有點過分。但是想到這世界上肯定還有許多像我這樣、也許有過之而無不及的愛動物人士、也就接受自己了。