Monrovia

Sitting in the family room on a quiet Saturday morning before Christmas, listening to carols on the radio with Duff Murphy, sipping coffee, eating banana pancakes, looking forward to this afternoon when gardener would come and help me plant the bulbs for next spring's bloom, waiting for Tim to come back so we can go for dinner with friends, granola baking in the oven, washer and dryer humming in the background, I am full of thanksgiving.

Went to Starbucks to get my Saturday coffee and was delighted, again, to find this little town of Monrovia just the way I wanted it. I told Tim even before we started looking for houses, that I knew we would be living in Monrovia. Like how He had led me in the past, I had that strange feeling that I was being led to Monrovia and He was going to unfold His plan for me there. Like how some 30 plus years ago He gave me the image of the Los Angeles city hall that I couldn't seem to get rid of but kept seeing it with my mind's eye. Little did I know that would be where I got married and raised my family. Like how He showed me an image of me with only Lydia, when I was pregnant with Joshua and Caleb; little did I know after carrying them full term that I would lose them 19 hours after giving birth. Only then did it make sense why I was not able to picture myself with a newborn baby. He was preparing me for the loss. For all the important decisions in my life, this is how He has led me. With an image. It's like I could almost see into the future He had planned for me.

Driving back from Starbucks, I saw the Monrovia mountains. This picturesque little town of Monrovia is going to be my home for the rest of my life. The mountains stand there, witnessing His faithfulness to me. I looked around me, and almost everything I would need was in the neighborhood: Trader Joes, Target, (yay for Target) Bed Bath and Beyond, Home Depot, the post office, Ralphs, Fresh and Easy... even the Armstrong nursery!!

This afternoon Antonio will help me plant more than 200 bulbs. When next April rolls around, Tim and I will be married and we will have a colorful garden to celebrated the Spring of our life together as husband and wife. Two sinners saved by His grace, continue to experience His love while we learn to love each other.

Went to Disney Concert Hall with Tim for the Chanticleer Christmas concert two days ago. We ate dinner at the concert hall cafe and played in the gift shop. I looked at him and wondered how this all would have just happened.

The Saturday morning Opera Show is playing Madame Butterfly. My heart swells with emotions. Madame Butterfly always reminds me of Dad. I will always remember that moment years ago when I went to their then San Gabriel home to visit, and found him lying on the bed, with his walkman resting on his tummy, earphone plugged in, and he was listening to the Madame Butterfly CD, again. In many ways, Tim is like Dad. Romantic. Loving. And loves a good story.

May the Lord continue to be the story teller of our life.

重拾眼淚

最近在想、眼淚是神給的禮物、但是我們好像不是很確定我們喜歡這禮物。

開心的時候笑、傷心的時候哭。應該是很自然的事。可是好像成了基督徒之後、開心的時候仍然可以笑、傷心和哭、好像卻必須收到倉房、掩蓋起來。這時蠻奇怪的現象。

和親朋好友講到過去現在的開心事、大夥開心的笑、感謝上帝、好像是做好見證榮神益人。看、因信基督、生命中盡是光明和祝福、神保守壞事不臨到、逢凶化吉、險象環生卻總死裡逃生、必定是信仰上帝的好處、你也來信吧。人們如此說。

和親朋好友提到過去現在的傷心事、卻不可以哭。中國文化說要堅強、要化悲憤為力量、要節哀、要忍耐、要往好處想。。。信了耶穌的中國人說、要交託、要凡事感謝（好像哭泣的人就不是感謝的人）有主、何能再哭泣？豈不是失去見證？人們如此說。

眼淚是要給我們用來表達感受的。傷心時想哭、有時太高興也會哭、太感動也會哭。這眼淚其實蠻好用、多重用途。如果不哭、好多感受如何表達？若不表達、久而久之、是否心也麻木？不留眼淚能grieve嗎？grieve 應該是心的事、不配上眼淚的grieve變成了頭腦的事、難怪許多人grieve了幾年還grieve 不完。不完的grieve 變成憤怒、憤怒是硬邦邦的、心一硬、如何還能愛？

神給眼淚是要讓我用來哭的、不是嗎？不哭不流淚的人、她的心、是如何狀態？很難想像一個溫柔的心可以不痛、或者痛而不流淚？

為甚麼怕哭？怕流眼淚？流出的眼淚裡、都是傷痛、好像鼻涕流出來、鼻子就通了。很噁心的比喻。眼淚流出來、心就通了。通了的心才能無攔阻地愛。

我怕自己結婚的那天會哭到變成難看的新娘不說、讓人覺得莫名奇妙。我想、想到結婚、會想哭、必有他理由。不明白理由又何妨、想哭就哭吧。心、或頭、有一個明白已經不錯了。若有一百滴眼淚、分成幾個月流出來、流光就好了、到時後就不會哭了。否則到時後一鼓腦全在那天流出來、可不好。若那天憋成功、不哭、只笑、只怕那憋住的眼淚成為生命中的瘴氣、影響身心健康不說、讓我成為怪人、想哭卻不掉淚、我不想。女兒結婚我也是哭了幾個月、果真她結婚那當天、我的眼淚以流到差不多、像是颱風的尾巴、略略眼濕、感覺自己比較正常。

從小多愁善感、也是神造我如此。眼淚多流、心可通著呢、可是通的心、卻又特別感受強、感受強眼淚自然又多、這麼循環著、到年過半百、心還沒硬、眼淚、自然也繼續應景地流。

I like being this way, though.

Being and Doing

Being 是馬利亞、Doing 是馬大。難怪耶穌說馬利亞選擇的是上好的福份。馬利亞在乎的是關係、馬大在乎的是把是情做好。 一般人可能忘記的是、事情做好了、可能最重要的關係卻失去了。

爸爸辛苦上班、沒想到和孩子疏遠了。房子車子都有了、數年之後、卻發現最重要的家人關係已無法挽回。

丈夫辛苦上班、想把事情做好、無可厚非、但是一不留神、失去平衡、事業有成的時候、也可能是和老婆變成陌生人的時候。

基督徒努力服事、在教會的時間比在家多、和契友交談的時間比和家人交談的時間多、人也許說他愛主、為主犧牲家庭。但是我想愛教會的人比愛家人容易、因為不需要整天和他們生活在一起。在教會的事做不來、頂多不做。和人同工不來、頂多不一起服事。家人卻甩不掉。在教會可以選自己喜歡做的做、在家不論喜歡不喜歡、都得做。在教會可以輪流做、在家一年三百六十五天都得做。難怪許多人喜歡花時間在教會。

這年頭做馬利亞的人可能會被人認為是懶惰和不殷勤愛主。

要做馬利亞其實不簡單。因為你是和這個世界反著走。這個世界講究productivity. 如果你坐在家裡、講究如何照顧自己、別人可能會認為你自私吧。但是要好好愛人、不是必須先愛自己嗎？把自己放在最佳狀態、才能把最好的獻給所愛的人。我知道、要做好的心理治療師、我必須不能累。累了就無法好好聽人說話。很簡單。累了脾氣大、累了沒耐心。累了沒創意、累了毛躁。

但是要讓自己在最佳狀態、睡眠、飲食、運動、人際關係、和神的關係、都得花時間去經營。我算算、上班八小時、來回開車有幸只需要三十分鐘、吃飯睡覺等身體的事總共又得花上十幾小時、一天算下來、能有三小時自由使用時間就算幸福。用三小時來學習愛人、夠嗎？

我覺得做人很有趣、但是也很難。耶穌的好消息、就是告訴我祂的擔子是輕省的。我只需要安靜在祂面前、放心的活著、在每天進出之間、在跌倒又爬起來之間、讓祂在我身上慢慢成就他自己。一些事情、最容易拿去我的時間、卻不能存到永遠。我每天都要好好選擇如何用我的時間。

原來還有這個功課

從來沒想到有這個功課！

小女和婆婆去台灣回來。她不在時、我還真想她。時差緣故、她回來後兩天才找到空閒打電話給她。想到她第二天還要上班、於心不忍、想快快說兩句就好。沒想到她說起男友、聽得出心中有難處。我也只有聽的份兒。

掛了電話、想起小李其實很可愛。但是根據女兒所說、我又想罵罵他。或者可以做他的軍師。想來想去、都不妥。只有在旁靜觀其變。不能教女兒太自私、也不能讓女兒給人欺負。又想女兒為愛犧牲、又想女兒享受愛情。想來想去、還是不能說什麼。掛掉電話之前、我知道她要哭要哭的。要是她在我身邊、我知道只要一句話“你想哭呵。。。“ 她就會趴在我肩上哭起來、但是她遠在東岸、我倆都知道她明天還要上班、現在不能哭。唉、人長大了、就是連什麼時候哭、有時都得考慮考慮。

我的功課是、學習和無力感共存。看著女兒掙扎、卻不能做什麼。還有什麼比這個叫做媽的更痛苦？人生有學不完的功課、叫我哭笑不得。只希望她和姊姊都能和所愛的人偕頭到老、不要為愛情傷心。只是天下有幾個幸福的女人、可以不為愛情流淚？

今天收到她的短訊：一切平安。他們找到機會談話、解決心中不爽的事。小李說：“感謝上帝給我如此女友、著重問題的解決而不是怪我。而且、她的聲音多甜美！“女兒心花怒放。短訊說：“Isn't he cute!" 唉、女人。一點好話、我們就滿足了。

今晚我也可以好睡些。真是的。

平靜安穩

多美的四個字。

最喜歡早上有足夠的時間澆花、吃早飯、喝咖啡、看報紙。安靜。

前幾天看到一篇文章、建議早餐吃一樣的東西會帶來安定感、減少不知道吃什麼的壓力。我想、嗯、難怪。。。有時候不知不覺做了對的事、從中得到好處、後來纔知道原因。就像世人縱然不信、如順從了神創造的律、神仍能祝福、那被祝福的人卻不知道其中原因。每天早上我幾乎千篇一律地吃一樣的早餐、或者一陣一陣的、但是絕少今天這個明天那個。有一陣子天天吃麥片。有一陣子做幾個waffle吃它幾天、有時候做pancakes 也是做一次吃幾天。再不就是做一節麵包、每天吃麵包加荷包蛋配咖啡、吃到麵包完。今早沒有蛋、站在廚房、頗有失落感。想到那篇文章。

早上從廚房走到外面拿報紙的時候、心生感謝。安靜的一早和一晚給我最多的安全感。每天例行的公事在不知不覺中支持著我。拿報、開前院sprinklers、澆後院的花。。。都是不變的動作、次序、和差不多的時間。在看似機械化的動作中、心靈卻得滋潤。經年累月、這些生活中不變的細節、織成一張安全網、讓我可以有更多精力專注在其他更重要的人、和事上。

Tim每星期三晚上過來、開車來回要一個半小時、相處不過兩三小時、總是嫌短。我們飯後總是坐在沙發上、談談彼此走過的路。誓言婚後要繼續沙發時間、再怎麼樣也得經營關係、放下一切看似緊急、卻不重要的雜事、以彼此為主。我們看同一本書、藉著workbooks討論我倆的事、談到耶穌、談到父母子女、和我們的前配偶。心中常存感恩、因為這些人讓我們看到我們自己的虧欠不足、和一些人際關係中的壞習慣。這個沙發時間、也漸漸成為生活中的例行公事、安定我們的心、拿走壓力、讓我們蒙福。

每早上的早餐、每星期三的沙發時間、我是個有福的人。

再婚

那一天我在主日崇拜中聽到不可再婚的講台訊息。不敢環顧四周、只覺得怕人讀出我的心事會用石頭砸死我、那時後正在思考是否該再婚的事。有趣的事、Tim在同時給我留了個短訊、說在崇拜時、好像看到我倆站在天堂某處、侍立在神面前被祝福、心被恩感、充滿喜樂。我在崇拜完看到簡訊、往回算算時間、他喜樂的時候、正是我嚇出一身冷汗的時候。下午打電話給他、把崇拜中講員引用的經節告訴他、兩人決定深思再談。

這段時間內、他約了他的牧師、我打電話給我的牧師娘朋友、寫了封長信給牧師。同時二人寫來寫去、簡訊、email。。。Tim做最壞打算、說能體會耶穌說“願天父旨意成就。“ 是多麼痛苦、卻甘心樂意的事、現在才隱約體會。我偷偷求神、不要將我好不容易求來的福氣拿走、卻也願意和Tim一樣、做順命的兒女。

兩人像是等待放榜的學生。本以為考得不錯、忽然被通知可能根本沒有考試的權利。

我心中暗忖、一個是來自人的“印象“、一個是講台上明明的教訓、二者都很確定自己的領受是對的、若是二人對質、誰的消息是來自上帝自己？誰的又是人意？

這一關、很不好過。

經過煎熬、和牧師談話、尋求、網上查考聖經、做了好幾天的神學生、中文英文原文翻來翻去、看到一個頭兩個大！二人達到共識、我們結婚去！若要被定罪、就是在教會中。悲哀。

但是這件事讓我更認識他、也更愛他。

再婚、是個蠻可怕的念頭。其實、也就是怕失敗、怕不work的痛苦。

Tim和我一致的心路歷程、經都類似。本來打算單身過下半輩子。獨身生活也處理得蠻好。我倆都是很private的人、從來不怕獨處時沒事做會無聊。我們都愛看書、我有花園、貓咪、還有廚事讓我忙、還有我愛的教會的事和人、巴不得有時間在家、一整天不出門最好！Tim看書可以渡過無數時光、東摸摸、西搞搞、也從不怕獨處。但是、我們都渴望to be intimately known by someone. 遇到彼此、最讓我們激動的事、就是發現、原來這是可能的。

越是珍惜、越想好好經營關係。花去我倆最多時間的、就是談論前次婚姻中我們犯的錯。好多眼淚、好多心痛。我們一起看relationship的書、分享神的話、禱告。出遊、談話、談話、談話。。。我們都愛寫長長的email、寫的過癮、讀得過癮。我常常問神：我做了什麼、值得你眷顧？詩篇中說、人算什麼、你竟顧念他。我懂。被神的愛感動到落淚、像是個被釋放的奴隸、甘心願意留下、奉獻全部、是因為祂愛我如此、我不懂、但是我知道。我覺得、這才真是好消息：神愛我。

要結婚的消息傳出、我的親朋好友都替我緊張：錢錢錢！！！ 要寫好pre-nuptial。分清楚。我謝謝他們愛我、心裡卻很感傷。沒有信任做基礎的婚姻哪行。我不信pre-nup、卻不敢告訴他們、怕她們說我太天真。 我只想說、我的信、建立在對神的信上面。只怕就連我的基督徒朋友、也會說我瘋了、要不就是天真到笨！所以我只好請他們不要問我。This is really weird!

和Tim 要和牧師作婚前輔導。和Tim 看書做作業、學習溝通、聆聽、花時間、付代價、來愛對方。心裡忐忑、但是只有一步一步跟隨、放輕鬆在主腳前享受祂、其餘的、也只有腳踏下去的時候、纔會知道神恩。

其實、從認識到如今、所學豈止這些。。。再說吧。

離婚的中年基督徒

離婚的中年基督徒是一群被遺忘的人。

首先、離婚、是一個負面的標籤。中年、或中老年、也不怎麼叫人雀躍。把這兩個加在一起、再加上基督徒、對多數人來講、是個很難消化的概念。標籤後面的這個人、更讓人不知如何他是好。

首先、離婚的基督徒對多數基督徒來說、就是一個格格不入的oxymoron. 大部份虔誠的基督徒無法想像基督徒會離婚。我自己就曾經問過自己、是我有毛病？還是我的信仰有毛病？還是都有毛病？好像事情出了錯、就表示有人有毛病 （其實有毛病就是“不好“ “壞了“ 的同意辭）離婚的經驗卻告訴我一件很簡單的真理、那就是我是人、我有極限。唯有神是全能。有限的人走到她的盡頭、宣佈走不下去、大概對多數人來講、是不能理解的。不然為甚麼他們會帶著不解的眼神問我一些問題、好像只要我再努力一點、就可以再走一步、再走一步。。。一步一步加在一起、不就是永永遠遠了嗎？但是我想、“永遠“ 是神的事、我呢、是會死的。這又有什麼奇怪呢？

其次、既離了婚、接下來的日子、又該如何？“好“基督徒是否該守貞節牌坊？從此專心愛主、虔誠悔罪、不食人間煙火？如果要再婚、又如何面對聖經中“不可再婚“ 如此簡單的明訓？好像十誡一樣、如此清楚簡單、照著做你都做不到嗎？如何稱自己是基督徒、如果連十誡都不能守？聖經中許多“明訓“ 照著做不就皆大歡喜？神得榮耀、人稱義？但是好像耶穌死在十架上、就是要告訴我們、靠守誡命來稱義是死路一條。有時候我們去教會久了、反而忘了最基本的福音真理。

撇開再婚是否合乎聖經教導不說、離了婚的中年基督徒仍要過日子。如何過？

他們會沒有朋友。因為大部份他們的基督徒朋友都是一對一對的。就算他們伸出雙臂環抱他們離婚的朋友、他們的需要和生活內容畢竟不同。結了婚的人不按時回家時、要向配偶交待。單身、不必。沒有。結了婚的人二人吃飯。單身、一人吃飽全家吃飽。結了婚性的需要可以在婚姻中滿足、（或不滿足、那是個人自己要努力的、不在話下）單身、無法合情合理合法滿足、必須有智慧、有決心、向主交待。寂寞是另外一個問題。許多人一下落入單身、大把時間無法處理。大把自由無法處理。女友難交、男友更難交。獨處、不是每個人都會的。結婚時不會獨處的人、離了婚獨處更難。交獨身女友、等她有男友的時候、或者等她再婚了、你又面對失去朋友的悵然、很多人還會心生忌妒。交男友吧、交獨身男友、人不是說、男女沒有單純友誼？我不知道、但是可以想見、誰會願意跟你廝混、卻永遠沒有 “附加益處？“ （friends with "benefit"?) 大部份人會“圖“個什麼的。。。應該不覺奇怪。

如果你一關又一關安全過關、終於找到個再婚對象、有要面對一連串的可能的改變。錢合併？分開？(what about trust?) 年輕時、誰也沒錢、結了婚一起苦幹。中老年、總有些積蓄、有兒女可以繼承。錢的問題更複雜。 住合併？你打呼、我打呼。你有房、我也有房。住你家？住我家？合起來再買一棟？兩個冰箱、兩張床？賣誰的？留誰的？

再婚。禮堂？禮服？第二次了、簡簡單單？好像不好意思？還是仍要嚴謹莊重、因為這一次更意義深遠？請誰？兒女要做什麼？你的小孩、我的小孩。。。唉呀。。。

也許許多人覺得、中老年單身的人、應該無慾無望。日子簡單輕省。只等退休享受單身自由。他們忘了人有七情六欲、人永遠會尋找歸屬。如果沒有另一個人可以相屬、那麼這群人要屬於哪個團體？

希望這兩天有時間、把自己的心路歷程做個整理。畢竟。。。我要結婚了。

love

當應該愛我們的人傷害我們的時候、我們該怎麼辦？什麼時候該走開、什麼時候該繼續去愛？愛是永不止息到底是什麼意思？

愛子女、愛朋友、愛配偶、愛父母。。。是一樣的愛嗎？

如果子女abuse父母的愛、不敬重、不體恤、浪費資源、惹父母傷心不說、對父母的哀傷無動於衷、父母該如何設界限？無條件的愛是否表示該無止境的提供資源和忍受無禮殘忍的對待？

如果朋友背信、忌妒、但是表示懺悔、願意改變、但是改變的速度敢不上傷害、何時切斷友情？

如果配偶不珍惜、不學習、在“我忘了“ “我不會。。“ “我就是這樣。。。“的藉口底下任另一半凋零、枯萎、死去、離開？還是繼續犧牲奉獻、像吳鳳一樣、死而後已？這樣的做法、是成就了自己、滿足自己高尚道德宗教情操和持守、還是因為如此的犧牲終究帶來另外一個人的改變？犧牲打在婚姻中也被拍手嗎？

父母無止境的要求回報、無視成年子女獨立自主的權利、用罪惡感和其他直接間接暗示的方法控制子女的生活和選擇、子女是否在孝順的美德要求下、咬緊牙關、壓抑心中怨恨、吞下抱怨、公式化地噓寒問暖、晨昏定省？

愛別人、愛自己、是一樣的愛嗎？不愛自己卻愛別人、有這回事嗎？

愛一個人多不容易。愛到最後、好像都是用頭在愛、而不是用心在愛。愛的關係中、遲早有傷害。有意也好、無意也好、兩個不完全的人在愛的關係中、傷害畢竟不可避免。心、好容易想放棄。心、也好容易受傷害。傷重了、不能叫它不死。要救它、要復甦它、也不是一天兩天的事。叫它不再愛、好像也違反它本來的性質。

我坐在椅子上、看著即將圓滿的中秋月、好奇如何保守我的心、好讓它不失去愛的能力。我能做什麼？還是完全仰賴divine intervention好像魔術一樣改變它？還是要祈禱一個合作關係？神人共同努力？聽說設限可以保持愛。試過、worked. 問題是、設限的過程幾乎要了我的命。設限、也要有智慧。設在哪？何時設？唉。。。今天還要上班呢、哪有時間想這些！

有虐待狂的神？

Dear Al,

謝謝你又讓我有東西可以想。

怎麼說我有智慧的話語呢？我想我有的、只是人所未知的痛苦、和從痛苦中看見自己、看見神、並且每一次從痛苦中掙扎出來之後、更感激涕零地願意認祂為主的百試不爽的經驗吧。我終於看見、我總是有選擇、而我也總有選錯的時候。但是祂愛我從不是因為我是好孩子。這和我人生的經驗很不相同。人生的經驗告訴我、選錯妳就倒楣。活該。認命吧。做天父的孩子、我有著不同的經驗。

Al、我曾經選過一、我也選過二。但是神的答案不是一、也不是二。複雜的人生和墮落的世界裡、複雜的人生際遇、問題、豈有簡單的解答公式可以套用？

選擇一的時候、我以為神在鍛鍊一個有美德的婦人。殊不知支撐我的、其實是自己道德的卓越感。好像中國人不打不成器、忍辱負重、鞠躬盡瘁的觀念一股腦全都要成就在我身上。從小也習慣做乖孩子、也很會做乖孩子、乖孩子變成乖女人、也很容易。沒想到、我以為“我“所成就的美事、從另一個角度來說、是一個大大的謊言。愛人的能力、卻一天一天的減少、因為心已經死去。無法再愛。但是可以有愛的行動、how deceiving!

選擇二、是黔驢技窮的時候。對我而言、是力不能勝、是沒有力氣、是投降的感覺。只想保命。只想減少痛苦。奇妙的是、明知這一步不妙、卻從未感到神的愛離開我。算我膽大、算我罪惡感遲鈍、算我神學不清楚吧、這個經驗是一個乖小孩無法想像的、就是不乖還有人愛。請不要認為我在提倡用不乖來挑戰無條件的愛。我也不是鼓勵大膽嘗試危險動作。我也許不知道我在說什麼、但有一件事我很清楚：祂愛我。我想神藉著整本聖經想很大聲的告訴我們的、也就是這件事。神愛世人。。。我有幸狠狠地經驗祂的愛、真實到我無法否認。難怪我乖乖的跟著祂、不是出於懼怕、而是愛祂。因為祂先愛我。

沒想到人生的故事繼續發展。我以為完蛋的、沒有完蛋。我以為美的、其實不美。我以為是死路、其實是活路。我擔心羞辱祂的名、祂卻更在乎我的（生）命。Al、哪裡有智慧的話語？這是一個被愛的人所講述的愛的故事。

家家真有本難唸的經。我想神所在乎的、不是我們“更好“還是不好。祂不需要磨練我們成為更好的人、因為再好、也不夠好。我想、祂對我說、在妳的每一個選擇中、你經驗到我愛你嗎？你要確知我愛你、我為你死、it's imperative you know I love you; your life hinges upon that knowledge. Only when you rest in my love, shall you have peace. Hence my previous post about 放鬆。當我們不要急著考慮如何取悅祂、（因為祂已經愛我）我們反而更能享受祂。能在祂懷裡、我想世界能給我什麼、我也許就不那麼耿耿於懷了。我知道祂耐心等我學人生的功課、our process is His end. It's never about what we do, but always about who we are any way.

當我在痛苦中、祂與我同受苦難。這是聖經的話。（應該是以賽亞書六十九章）祂絕不以看我受苦為樂。我痛、祂比我更痛。paradoxically, only perfect love can experience perfect pain. 我們也許忘記、祂比我更痛、因為祂比我更真實。而且祂無罪。

這是一篇很糟的護教的部落文章吧。但我想、即使人選擇不信、於祂又何妨？何須我替祂辯護？完全的愛裡、早已承擔被拒絕的可能性 。愛、永不止息。

晚安、Al。寧靜的夜晚可以與妳促膝、我心裡很溫暖。

布娃娃的心情

孩子小時候、常在床上玩布娃娃的遊戲。其實也不是什麼遊戲、而是躺在我的大床上、學習放鬆自己。想到也許叫這遊戲ruggedy Anne (有兒子就叫Ruggedy Andy) 更覺可愛。孩子和我都愛上這個遊戲。我們輪流做布娃娃。躺在床中間、任另外兩人擺佈我們的身體、四肢。雖說弄來弄去、只不過是五個parts -- head, arms and legs、但是這段bonding 的時間卻留下深刻的回憶、和學會隨時放鬆。

人一放鬆、很多事都變得更美好。

放鬆的人不會是個生氣的人。

放鬆的人不會是個緊張的人。

放鬆的人更有創意。

放鬆的人記憶力強。

放鬆的人睡得好。

放鬆的人學得快。

放鬆的人可像陶匠手中的泥、任他雕琢塑造。泥一旦硬了、一捏就會碎的。我可不想當上帝磨我塑我的時候、我碎了。倒是很想做塊軟泥、交在他手裡、任他捏成他看為美的器皿。

晚上偶而醒來、就叫自己放鬆。藉著呼吸、放鬆自己。深深體會緊張的人、睡不著的人的痛苦。自己的mind 一直想要跑走。叫他focus 在一呼一吸上、竟然會這麼困難！

平常生活中發生的事、每一件不論大小、都會引起情緒反應、大部份的時候我們都是不自覺的。但是身體從不說謊。一樣一樣的情緒反應、它都記下來。我們脖子酸、肩膀痛、頭痛。。。還覺得奇怪、卻很少正視身體給我們的訊號。天哪、這一路下去、不短命才怪。

我是很愛惜生命的。告訴女兒我要活到九十。小的說似乎可以看見媽媽老了還開著會zoom zoom 的跑車！

多有布娃娃放鬆的心情和姿態、應該有助於長壽。一笑。。。

女兒的眼淚

女兒打電話來。一看時間、已是她那裡的將近午夜。今天晚上斷斷續續打了好幾通電話、不是她要吃飯、就是我在做指甲、三小時的時差、有限的晚上時間、要好好講幾句話還真難。心想她是否又想到什麼、不說不快。原來男朋友說來沒來、說太累了還是回家、她說很失望。說前幾天也是這樣失望、甚至哭了。

眼淚是告訴我們我們失去了些什麼。。。小小的夢。失去了、就想哭。我告訴她、男生和我們不一樣、男生的情緒機關好像開關快些。女生的呢、開、也要時間、關、也要時間。

我們有好多小小的夢。有時候我們還不知道夢存在、夢已經失去。眼淚問妳、那夢是什麼？

她說今晚下大雨。傍晚時分、李打電話來、說會晚點到。她告訴他若太晚太累、就不要來。來一下又要走、不值得。("not worth it" she said.) 幾番電話之後、他決定不來了。她生氣他。

我說、妳嘴裡說不要他來、體貼他累、其實心裡偷偷希望他還是堅持要來。那就是妳小小的夢。她笑說"I don't know..." 但聽的出來、心情已經好多了。但是一旦他真的接受了妳的好意不來了、妳的小小夢碎了、想哭也難怪。

我說多半是女生、太太、倚門等待張望、男生、丈夫、早就睡著了。不是他不愛你、也不是他不擔心妳、但是男生還是能睡覺。她笑。

她說有時寧可沒有男朋友、可以不要為這些“亂七八糟“的事情煩心。我說、那也就沒有窩心的時候。她說、“man....!"

她說、媽媽、妳說明天我該做half white, half whole wheat, 還是buckwheat的waffle 給他吃? I said I didn't know you had a waffle maker. She said, with pride, "that was the first gift he got me! That was even before he asked me to be his girlfriend." 我說他喜歡吃什麼waffle呢？做個他喜歡的吧。"媽媽、他真的是個很好的男朋友。“ 她說。我聽得出她已經原諒他。

她說、我要做half white and half wheat because that's what he likes. 我說“快去睡吧。睡醒他就來了。“

Good night, my baby. Have a nice waffle Saturday morning with the one you love.

I love you.

Dear Al

Dear Al,

you asked about the psychology of making one's private life public by having a blog. without thinking too much, :-) I want to say bloggers yearn for connection, of some kind, with people. You asked about is a transparent person "healthier" than a private person. I would think a person with no boundary and shares everything indiscriminately lacks self respect, but that's just to put it simply. Besides, no one can be completely transparent, as no one knows his/her heart's true condition and we can't choose to reveal what we don't know is there. I share your concern and I don't want my readers to necessarily know everything about me. I stopped writing for a while exactly because I was struggling with the idea that someone is reading my diary!! I came back to write again, believing there is a way to connect with those who happen to be reading, but also to have healthy boundary that I reserve the more intimate sharing for those who are closer to me.

it just fascinates me that we all have this strong desire to be known. sometimes I hate having this desire because it makes me vulnerable. we can easily be misunderstood. Nothing hurts me more than to be misunderstood. I remember as a young Christian years back, I told myself Jesus was misunderstood by the multitude as a way to comfort myself when I was disappointed by the response I got from people, whose empathy and approval I needed as a young person. The desire is still there. I still feel vulnerable. The difference is I have learned that the need to feel connected will never go away for as long as I am human, and feeling vulnerable also comes with the territory so why feel surprised. I have gotten better, however, at identifying who are the safe people that I can reveal more of myself to and I have learned also to grieve in Christ that things are not the way they are supposed to be and comes with the desire to feel connected is the possibility of getting hurt when we fail to connect. This will only change when He returns and rules again. Until then, such is life. I need to learn to continue to love in spite of this because there is no other way.

什麼可以寫、什麼不可以寫。寫的動機是什麼？這是戰戰兢兢的問題。謝謝你的問題、讓我又有東西可以想。我真的認為、there is no such thing as "think too much." :-)

今天早上心裡覺得慌、我現在知道、這種感覺就是靈裡面的飢渴、需要上帝的話語來餵養。需要在祂面前安靜、聽他對我說話。以前我不懂、總在這種時後採取錯的行動來幫助自己覺得好點。可能是email朋友、可能是做家事、可能是。。。寫blog! 可能是吃東西! (oh, my gosh!) 現在我知道來到主前、安靜聽話、少說兩句。聽祂的聲音、simply be a mere conscious human being, stripped of everything I think I possess. 我想這就是聖經中所說的blessed are the poor吧。I want to be poor for Him. 這種慌的感覺常常是存在於許多忙碌的moment中。在忙與忙的空隙中、它讓我們想用更忙來驅走它。結果是惡性循環。I thank the Lord for a quiet morning before I go to work. I thank Him for giving me 可以想的腦筋、可以感受的心靈、可以知道祂的存在的靈。

All Things Beautiful

早上不曉得要吃什麼做早餐、在廚房愰了半天。還是決定做waffle。邊做邊想到我的女同事們、不肯相信在要上班的早上還可以from scratch 做些好吃營養的早餐。看來做多了還是帶給她們吧。有時候我覺得這也許是我的另一個ministry、做東西給沒時間做的人吃。邊做waffle 邊吃、站著喝咖啡、心裡想、若有一天可以坐下來享受、有人做給我吃、該有多好。吃完waffle又想吃點鹹的、決定再做些東西。

到院子去剪九層塔的時候、被一陣子的欣喜襲擊。早上還不熱、院子裡的花個個長得好。九層塔有股香味、簡單的事、竟帶給我滿滿的喜悅。

我喜歡早上安靜的在廚房享受。我也喜歡夜深人靜的時候在書房享受。到底該早起晚睡、so I can have the best of both worlds, or to just go to bed at regular bedtime, and fear that I may lose something precious (what it is, I am not sure), has been a struggle all along. I then realized I was being greedy after all. It's about not wanting to accept the fact that I am only flesh and blood. It's refusal to believe that I am the created and have my limits. 晚上不肯睡的時候、通常都是白天很多事、又忙又累。照理應該趕快去睡覺、但是潛意識中大概頗不情願、好像時間是被人搶走的、現在好不容易可以有時間做點無壓力的事、豈可睡去、“浪費“大好時光！結果是早上起不來、過些時候、又開始懷念安靜的早上時間、也實在需要睡眠、早早去睡、早早起、心想、“早起多好。。。“

這樣的循環不知有多少、中間也有學乖投降的時候、早睡早起、精神好。但是過一陣子、又要貪玩不肯睡。我的神大概看著我猛搖頭、帶著愛憐的眼光看我、對我說、well, I don't need to say more.

How often we play games like this with ourselves. We know what's right but for the life of us, don't do what's right.

What's interesting to me, is 聖經說的“得力在乎平靜安穩。“ 壓力大的時候、其實是最不容易自律的時候。壓力大之後、人只想放鬆歇息、甚至indulge。自律最容易成功的時候、其實是我們一般狀況良好的時候。這有點像是在說、要有力就先得放鬆。但是聖經中豈不充滿這樣的paradox? 要得就先要失、要生就得先要死。

放棄晚上看病人是一大損失。錢少賺不說、（其實錢是一大因素、我只是不肯承認喜歡錢多多的感覺）看病人是我的一大享受。但是白天上班不是已經夠了嗎？當我承認我貪心的時候、放棄就不那麼難了。放棄之後、並不是沒有留戀、只是換來的平靜安穩卻也不是金錢可以衡量。我笑自己、簡單的功課學了一輩子、仍在學。

I thank the Lord, for he never loved me for a reason.

For Women Only

First of all, Rae and I decided to buy our own nail polish so we can swap colors and have double the choices of colors without spending double the money. Okay, it's was my idea.

So we went last Sunday. And we had such a ball at the beauty supply store, with Annie there to help us pay less with her professional license. Some polish colors were from last year and were on sale and that added to the thrill. Women LOVE sales. (I am sure men love sales too, but the excitement women exhibit when they talk about their good fortune... that is something men don't share.) Mom said we were like this when we were little girls: Rae and I would dress ourselves up and walk on grandma's bed as models on runway, with whatever we could find to wrap around our bodies, even our feet had pretend sandals on. Oh, those sweet memories.

Then I got my manicure/pedicure with my new color today. Deciding what color to put on any given day has been a lesson of self awareness. How do I feel today? more pink than brown? more blue than yellow? I am becoming a pro! My sense for color has also sharpened. "I want a little more pink." I would say, laughing at myself at the same time, like, who would have noticed! Who cares?! But I do, and that's all that matters. Talking about self respect! haha.

Linda and I had a great time when she was doing my nails. I showed her a picture of Tim on my cell phone and she said "wow! he is good looking!" and that made me blush, (I guess) like a high schooler. I tried not to smile as I told her how we were planning to go to the beach tomorrow, but hard as I tried, I couldn't but smile. She shared my joy and in her Vietnamese English, said "good man... good man?" I said, "yes, he is a good man." We talked about my color and we were so happy. It doesn't take too much for two girlfriends to be happy with each other. We just talk about how we like to be pretty.

After that I went to Pho70 to order to go for myself. Today is Friday, and Friday is always special for me. What can be a better way to celebrate Friday than to order Vietnamese to go after mani/pedi? As I pointed out to the boss lady what I wanted, she exclaimed "your nail color! It is so pretty! Oh I love that color!" And of course I had to tell her that I just bought the color last Sunday and I suggested I go back to my car to get the polish for her so she can buy it online too! For this, she gave me a 3 cents discount on my order. I was happy. Went back to car, got the nail polish and gave it for her to copy down the color name at the bottom of the bottle. She took out a piece of paper and carefully copied the barcode number. I admired how she wrote her numbers like the French do. While I was waiting for my order, she told me how this color made my skin tone lighter and my toes slender. I felt like clapping my hands.

On my way home, I thought about how I love being a woman.

A Trip to the CPA's Office

It's tax time.

I didn't know this trip to the CPA's office could turn out to be a lesson of encouragement for me.

This is only the second year that I file for tax return on my own. I said to myself after last filing last year that I would be more diligent about keeping records this year. It's almost April, and my record keeping has not been better, yet.

I was befriend-ing the lady helping at my CPA's office by talking to her while she meticulously stapled envelopes to my prepay tax vouchers for the upcoming months and carefully peeling off the address labels from a pile of other labels and pasted them on each envelope. That image stayed with me. My first thought was that I would never be like her and I said to myself that's why she worked in a CPA firm and I counseling clinic. I was surprised by the thought following that: that I could do that too, and remembered the times when I was being orderly and organized. I can do it too. And as I was thinking those thoughts, I was actually feeling more confident and happy about being an adult of my age, still learning to live independently.

I guess by the same way I had deprived TC of the opportunity to perform domestic duties like cooking, cleaning and caring for children, he also had shielded me from having to deal with matters like this, from filing for tax return, to investing money. Maybe we thought we were loving the other person by making life easier for them, but in the end, we resented having to be the only one taking care of certain responsibilities.

The new job, I have learned from the training, requires me to be a good record keeper and diligent about documenting everything and all things. For someone like me, who throws away receipts and doesn't remember to look at the appointment book and hence miss appointments at times. OCD kind of documenting, and paying attention to details certain feels anti-nature and restrictive and even making me doubt if I can do the job right.

I have learned from this trip to my CPA's office that all it takes for me, to be as neat and organized as the lady in the office, is to take a deep breath, clear my head and get to the job.

I can be organized too if I want to.

Comes tax time next year, I will have all the documentation ready. I hope.

Every time I stop my car, I need to jot down the odometer reading! Now that is the first lesson on documentation. ( That is if I want my mileage reimbursed. Sigh.)

在廚房愰

就這樣在廚房愰了一天。大門沒出、二門沒邁。

早上起來完成例行公事、本應該去運動、卻說什麼也出不了門。我和自己摔跤了很久、就是知道該去卻不想去。兩年以前我告訴自己、我也許需要很多的時間復健、把工作量減到最小、社交活動也減到幾乎零、沒想到兩三年之後的今天、仍沒什麼力氣做什麼挑戰性稍高的事。我想我還是有點depressed.

今天一直很sad。也不知道為什麼。

在廚房磨蹭是唯一可以驅走哀傷的活動。切切搞搞、做了個麵包、煮了個lentil soup。做了就有要洗的、洗完了又想到要做些什麼、就這樣來來回回也消磨了一天。我感謝有水可以用、而且還是熱水。一打開水龍頭就有水、我常為這件事感恩。

晚上下起雨來。貓咪和我在家好舒服、心情逐漸好轉、但是那一抹哀傷不知為甚麼揮不去。想我的狗。

Megan送短訊來、說和爸爸在開車去姊姊家的路上。爸爸開車、她說等下該她開、嫌爸爸開得太慢。我們短訊來來去去、都是在講烤麵包、做飯的事。她說我倆是baking buddy。和女兒講話總是開心。想到她爸爸、卻好多的傷心回憶。我想我這一生都無法快樂。

今天想到、人就是朝著棺材走去。來世上走一趟、若不相信有一天要回到創造我的主那裡、這一輩子真是枉然。不會在年輕、女兒長大有自己的生活、又開啓另一個世界、我不可能永遠有她們在身邊。我現在已經想著退休、退休之後日子仍然是過一天少一天。總有那麼一天、我要死去。感謝上帝給我不死的靈魂、這一切才不算白費。

今天是蠻傷感的。。。

Missing Beau

It's been more than a month now I think, but I miss Beau still.

I am sitting here, missing him and crying.

Sometimes I thought I heard his foot steps and I thought I saw him poking his head into my study, or bathroom, or kitchen, to see what I was doing. I dropped some rice on the floor the other night, and almost called out to him as he used to always help me clean the floor. then I realized he was not here any more.

The other day I thought I smelled him. That familiar smell since he was a puppy. I saw the odor control powder I bought not long ago and wondered what I should do with it now that he is gone.

I woke up in the morning and realized I had no dog to walk any more. Neighbors must be wondering, where is that lady and her dog?

There are no mats on the floor anywhere any more. There used to be one in each room. I look at the empty spots, and couldn't move my eyes; I wanted to make sure I did not see them. After all, this is how the "denial" part of the grief and loss cycle I tell my clients is about.

He loved me, and I sure loved him. 15 long years. We were friends. He never found me unattractive; always loved me readily. Tail wagging, ears perked up, body swaying from excitement, mouth slightly open, eyes bright and focused on me, he loved the sight of me.

Sad thing for me was that on the last day, I drove him to his death. And he still loved me.

A good dog, to the last minute. Kind and loving, obedient and smart. Where to find a friend like that. I was everything to him.

I miss you Beau, and I still love you.

Wish to see you in heaven. If you see me first, would you bark?

讓它痛

“讓它痛“應該是一個很奇怪的理論吧、畢竟、誰願意痛呢？但我是說、要想比較不痛、就應該有讓它痛的態度。

事情是這樣的。上星期到醫生那裡做例行檢查。說是例行、但是我並沒有按時間做、所以被醫生罵是預料中事。可是罵完之後、還是要一併檢查、把最近兩年疏忽的、全給我補回來。

躺在那裡、一向都是很不舒服的。加上要到我身體裡面去檢查、那種脆弱感覺是很無助的。我告訴自己、要放鬆才不會痛。閉上眼睛、發現要放鬆還不是那麼簡單。沒事的時候放鬆還可以做得來、有事的時候還要放鬆、而且現在是緊張的時候、還要放鬆可就更不容易。越叫自己放鬆、就發現思緒越是要飄向別處。思緒三百六十度的跑、就是不肯專注在這單項上。我背頌經文：“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." 在腦海裡播放Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus來幫助自己放鬆、像是抓著思緒的繮繩、命令它要停在放鬆的主意裡。全身鬆軟、檢查每一個環節、心想、痛就痛吧、不過就是痛、過了就好了。讓它痛！

不知過了多久、醫生說“好了。“我坐起來、並不曾真正痛到不行、只是略微不舒服而已。

今天告訴老大、生產的時候、也要有這種“讓它痛“的心態。放鬆地讓它痛。你越是fight it, the more it is going to hurt.

這讓我想到人生其他的痛苦。這是一個似非而是的道理、像聖經中許多的paradox. 痛苦、更是不該躲的經驗。 該痛的事、就讓它痛。痛並不可怕、過了就好了。痛苦stretch我們的靈魂、讓我們可以更深地體會joy。躲避痛苦、靈魂僵硬、能體會的joy也就淺了。該痛的時候硬不讓它痛、用忙碌來痲痹自己、叫自己沒有時間去感受自然的、正常的痛、這樣的後果、更可怕。活著的心就會感受痛、愛越深切、失去的時候就越痛。何妨？每個人走過他個人的痛、自然的復原、不用帶著沒有愈合的疤痕走人生剩下的路。疤痕越多、和人親近的時候、可能也更容易被不其然的接觸再度掀起舊痛吧。

老狗安樂死了。今天是第一天。我很想牠、想到痛、何等的不捨、於是我哭了。坐在那裡、靜靜地、因為失去牠、很自然聯想到過去曾經失去的、想著想著、心裡好痛。但是當那一陣痛過了之後、心情又趨平靜、可以起來幹活、我知道、有一天我會好。

痛的時候、讓它吧。人生就是失去的過程。失去所帶來的痛是自然的。痛過、就好了。

Need A Reason?

thinking about painting the rooms...

Spent one sweet afternoon with my dear sister and she helped me pick colors from some magazines she happened to have around the house.

Went to HomeDepot, and a very patient worker at the paint department helped me choose the colors that were the closest to the colors I had. I decided to buy some samples so I could paint a sample area in each room to help me decide. I learned that picking a color is really tricky business. With different time of the day, different lighting source and different angle, the same color could look drastically different at any given time. I keep reminding myself, "you can always repaint if you really don't like the color." so I don't freeze and can just go on with the project.

A friend happened to drop by and I showed him the color samples on the walls. He questioned ," Why do you like dark colors?" I was dumbfound and could offer no explanation. Feeling criticized, I stayed quiet, saying to myself in my head, "It's my house and I can paint it whatever I like. I don't care if you don't like dark colors."

The question stayed with me. Why do I like dark colors (in this case)? I looked at my newly remodeled kitchen and it was painted very bold yellow, on the dark side. Almost like a good Sunkist orange kind of yellow. Anyway, I like it. Why did I pick the colors I picked? Because I like them, period. Why? I don't know. Do I need to have a reason? No, I don't think so. Do I need to justify myself? H--- no! It's my house.

This is me practicing being me.

Yoko慘遇

Yoko愛咬東西。據獸醫說、她可能因為太小斷奶、有些心理毛病、特別是口腔的需要也許沒有過夠癮、所以亂咬東西。（哇、牠是隻貓呢！佛洛伊德的理論也適用於她嗎！）從她五年前來我家開始、不知道咬壞了我多少東西：衣服、襪子、鞋帶、被單、床罩、毛巾、抹布、地毯。。。凡事布類的東西、一不小心沒收好、就被她咬一個洞。我現在已經被訓練到家裡在任何時間、都絕對沒有衣物之類的東西放在外面。早上一起床、幾秒鐘之內床就疊好、床罩將被單枕頭緊緊裹好、（床罩已經被咬破、罷了）毯子疊好放高。所有衣櫥裡面的衣服、也掛得高高的。曾買了雙面沾黏的velcro黏住衣櫥的門、她幾天之內就學會硬是把門拉開、進去衣櫥把搆得著衣服拉到地上、然後咬個洞。有時回家、驚見衣櫥門打開一點、趕快去檢查、有時僥倖、沒被她侵入、但也有的時候想把他殺了、因為她又破壞一件衣物。

這兩天、忍無可忍、看到心愛的床單床罩枕頭套都被她咬得一個洞一個洞、決定把她送走！

我覺得向刺殺凱撒大帝的布魯特斯、因為知道Yoko 喜歡喝水龍頭的水、故意把洗澡缸的水龍頭打開、趁她不疑有他跳上去喝水的時候、抓住他胖胖的身體、塞入老早放在浴室門口的carrier、拉上拉鍊、穿上鞋、就往shelter開去。

一進門、我說明來意、眼淚就嘩嘩流下。在填表的時候、聽到她在籠子裡叫、更是悲從中來、鼻涕眼淚流個不停、還得伸手到櫃台後面拿人家的紙巾。想到這五年裡經歷多少悲歡離合、想到她小的時候、想到。。。簡單的表格填了好久、淚眼模糊也看不清。就在這時、她被帶走。連說再見的機會都沒有。表格上問起、他是否“具破壞性“我說了個謊。要是人家知道她愛咬東西、恐怕被領養的機會就小得多了。

一個人開車回家的路上、一方面覺得輕鬆、今後不用緊緊張張地怕東西不小心沒收好被咬、另一方面又覺得不忍、不曉得她會怎樣。若沒在五天之內被收養、隨時都有可能被安樂死。回到家、好像少了一個人、空空洞洞。。。 其他的貓和老狗好像不知道她不見了、還好。若被他們質問、我可不知如何交待。

打電話給相關人士、女兒、妹妹等、反應不盡相同。有人贊成、有人反對卻不說、但我聽得出來。

當晚無法入眠。

聽妹妹說有些人foster像Yoko這樣被主人。。。的貓、永遠不會處死她們。本打算第二天趕快將Yoko 救出、送給這群人去想辦法。可是後來得知她們已經額滿、不收新貓了。可是我已經告訴Shelter暫停收養的作業、說我可能可以為Yoko找到好人家。不能出爾反爾、所以第二天還是把她接回家了。

去接她的時候、發現她在籠子裡、頭枕在前腳中間。看到我、面無表情。我知道她個性就是這樣、所以蠻難討人喜歡。小時候蠻可愛、越長大越不好看。個性膽小、整天疑神疑鬼、動不動就躲到床底下。我的動作稍微大一點、她也躲閃、好像不認識我似的！驚恐的表情是她註冊商標。

一切恢復以前。Yoko 回來之後一直避著我、情有可原。這兩天好像沒有咬東西、也可能驚嚇之餘還來不及想到要咬東西。我呢、希望有此一嚇、把這壞習慣給嚇掉、以後別再咬了。

人、為寵物的犧牲、有此一般。（好像蠻過份、可是我現在沒時間想太多！）

替人做晚飯

不知怎的、我開始為人做晚飯、算是賺點外快吧。

自己一個人、卻不減在廚房忙和的興致。常感歎、烤好的麵包、做好的佳餚、無人分享。一天和美玲提起、她說正感吃膩了餐館的東西、想找個人燒晚飯。事情就這樣成了：我替她做飯、她給我錢。我想、反正我要煮給自己吃、多煮一點、分給她、荷包裡又多點零用錢、何樂不為。

從她開始、接二連三有些人也要晚餐。沒想到不愛下廚的人還蠻多、每天為晚餐吃什麼、去那裡吃發愁的、還大有人在。就這樣、我開始了替人做晚飯的“生意“。

每天在廚房洗洗切切、看些food blog、烤些麵包、做些點心、對我不但有療效、還讓我有精神。每當累的時候、想到回家就可以鑽到廚房、蒸炒煮烤都好、我就開心、精神為之一振。冰箱裡有大桶、裡面裝著我的麵團、隨時要烤、拿出一陀、一個半小時後就有新鮮烤好的麵包吃。冰箱裡還有我的酸麵包種子、想吃法式sourdough麵包的時候、也隨時有料。另外有吐魯番帶回來的葡萄乾、新疆的乾果、有時候我笑我自己、冰箱裡全是烤東西的食材、真是貪食！

前天晚上邊看電視、邊做了一堆biscotti 就咖啡吃。真開心。

老狗摔跤

最近帶他出去走的時候、他偶爾會前腳無力、踉蹌前撲摔在草地上。我在一旁觀察他、幫也幫不上忙。只見他摔倒了又爬起來、不以為意、繼續尋尋覓覓、在草地上東聞聞西聞聞。我想、人若是能像他、沒有不好意思、或是羞恥感、尷尬感、該有多幸福。

想到聖經裡面說、在起初、他們赤誠相見、並不羞恥。那種相見、不只是男歡女愛的赤裸、在希伯來文的字根上、“赤身露體“的彼此認識、是指的在經驗上體會過對方、不只在頭腦上明白對方是怎麼樣的人、更在感受上經歷過。能被一個人如此深度的認識、而不覺得不好意思、見不得人、或者響隱藏自己覺得不夠體面、無法交待的一面、那是天堂的感覺、非這世界所有。難怪聖經上說、最一旦進入世界、人就忙著遮掩自己、使得親密關係變得非常困難。

狗老了。最近兩天常常臥在地上哀嚎。我也無法做什麼。想給他按摩、也不知道他哪裡痛、該按哪裡。又沒有止痛藥可以買、他又不會說話。晚上、我陪在她身旁、連說安慰的話、他老耳朵也聽不見。我只有和他面對面、十五年來、他應該熟悉我的臉部表情、也明白表情後面的意思。我想用眼睛傳電給他、讓他知道我愛莫能助、嘴巴仍對他說些安慰的話、希望他能讀唇語。我在他身上東捏捏西揉揉、有時似乎也可以減緩他的痛苦。

約了獸醫、星期三帶他去看看醫生。不曉得醫生能做什麼。

這一天、總要來的。人的難處、就在於、不管妳多為自己做心裡準備、當面對失去的時候、所有的準備工作都無效。要做有情人、就得預備會愛的心也會是會痛的心。愛的多、痛的也多。催它快點過去、通常是無效的。每人有他該痛的份、快不得、也沒有時間表、知道何時可以向痛苦揮別。也許可以假裝、也許可以用力把感受壓下去、騙自己到一個地步、自己都不知道自己仍在傷痛。自欺、偏巧是人類的專長。硬被塞回去的傷痛成為生命中的沈重扁擔、致於會被壓成怎樣、也就無人探討、無人講究了。

想想我的工作、有一部份是幫助人好好的grieve。覺得很窩心、也很神聖。

Getting Slower

I have noticed I am doing things slower, especially driving.

Pulling up to the parking space underground at Whole Foods today, I was relieved that there were too many cars and I could pick and choose where I wanted to park. So that's is aging sign number one. You like vacant parking lot, not that because this way you don't have to fight with others for a space, but because this way you can choose to park where it's easy to back out later, and not at some turn corner, or between cars. As I inched my way up the space, I was careful not to bump onto the concrete block on the ground. I was going probably only next to zero mph.

It dawned on me that I did this because I knew I was alone, and on my own and couldn't afford for things to go wrong, literally. And emotionally. Sense of insecurity eats on the confidence and I slow down to protect myself. Eyes getting bad, limbs less nimble, sense of balance unreliable, financially limited, emotional strength sipping away, I know I don't have the luxury to take risks. I used to joke about me being fearless (except for trips to the dentist) but now I am more fearful.

The other day I found myself sitting there, in nothing mode. Blank. And that was what I needed. In silence, it felt like parts of me were being restored, or rather, preserved. The old battery feeling came back; I charge for hours, only to find energy level low after very little use.

I also suspect mild depression.

But most people won't understand the feeling of lethargy. So I tell no one. That's when my clients all of a sudden felt like family. They'd know. It's not about will power; who'd not want to be able to get up and just do what you need to do. I feel like an lawn mower which can't get started no matter how many times and how hard you pull the thingy upward. (Do people still do that to "turn on" their lawn mowers anymore?) Somethings just don't click together; all the sparks are for nothing. You keep pulling it, trying to ignite it, and the moment you stop pulling, it dies.

I was 30 when I lost my twins. I was surprised the sorrow didn't crush me. Or it did. Maybe I am only starting to grieve for the many losses in my life. Is that what old people do? That they finally have time to reflect, and come with time, thoughts and feelings and memories. Too late to go back to change anything and too late to have work things out. Physically you can't.

Driving by my own house the other day, on my way from work to somewhere, the thought that I want to die at home struck me. It was not a sad moment though. More like when you finish reading a book, you put it down. 把書闔上。Done.

療養院

過去的這幾年像是一個漫長的療養過程。

從將近三十年的婚姻走出來、雖不能說體無完膚、卻也是片體鱗傷。所有的經歷、創造力、心神、體力、財力、機會、意志力、都孤注一擲了。 每次看戰爭片的時候、看到有些文化強調戰至最後一兵一卒、甚至寧可集體自殺、也不願意落入敵人手中。但也有些將領和士兵不做這樣的犧牲、成為戰俘也好、撤退到後方也好、投降畢竟是他們願意考慮的一個選擇。我看到前者、常常生氣、覺得無謂的犧牲好可惜、甚至好笨。如果說婚姻像是戰場、我是否就是那選擇投降的戰士？是懦弱的表現？是不忠誠？是貪生怕死？還是知道自己的極限、而做出的誠實的選擇？我的領帥所寄望於我的、又是什麼？

如果婚姻像是買ㄧ送一的交易、犧牲一個人來成全另一個人、是否值得？應該？如果犧牲另一個人、並不能成就另一個人、又是否應該繼續賠進去？我常想、就像養育孩子、在某一個程度上、母親是用她的青春換來孩子的成長、她漸漸老去、失去她的生命、但換來孩子日日的茁壯。一命抵一命。但畢竟那是大人拉拔小孩、和婚姻不全一樣。婚姻是兩個大人、應該互相拉拔吧？

我不敢和人討論這些問題、怕人認為我是為自己的決定辯護、找理由。我的離婚是對、是錯、我也不知道、很想聽聽上帝的說法。可惜不到那一天、與祂面對面的時候、我只有聖經中的教導。在我有限的理解中、隱約覺得好像我做“錯“了、不夠努力、像一個訓練不夠的士兵、當別人都奮不顧身犧牲在戰場上時、我卻無法跟上、離隊喘息。但想到婚姻中的點滴、又隱約覺得慈悲的上帝體諒我的軟弱、看見我的努力、赦免我的不全。雖沒有壯烈成仁、可歌可泣、卻在驚悚顫抖中、無日無夜的用我所知道的一切奮勇作戰、直到筋疲力竭。我選擇了保命、要告訴自己、愛惜自己生命並不錯、好像也難說服自己、更令人顫驚的是、大多數身旁的人認為我沒有死在戰場、是不可原諒的行為。活著、是羞恥。

所以我躲在家裡、感覺這裡是我的療養院。每天只有最起碼的工作量、做一點就累了、又要休息。療養的內容、不外乎讓身心靈休息。讓被打扁的我逐漸恢復原形。身體是一個皮囊、反正會老去。照顧它、應該是最容易的、因為它看得見、摸得著、可以測試。吃好、睡好、運動好、像是“工欲善其事必先利其器“裡的“器“ 是基本的條件吧。心、靈的部份、卻是看不見摸不著、要用心去看去摸去體會。療養這部份、最難交待。進程緩慢、效果不是立竿見影。

情緒起起伏伏、總是離開憂鬱症不遠、讓人擔心。再往下滑一步、就變成無法工作的登堂入室的憂鬱症。怎麼把自己維持在不成為clinical 的憂鬱、是個持續的療養項目。記憶帶起情緒、情緒需要space來成型、發展、然後像潮水一樣退下、威力再一次又一次的襲岸之後、漸漸減低。大把的時間、少少的工作量、做自己喜歡的事、看書、聽音樂、烤麵包、做飯、弄花園。。。反正越是看來不是生產的事、越是一般人覺得沒時間做的事、我花了許多時間在做。有時難免自問、這樣是否是沒出息？生命如此是否有意義？我有價值嗎？但是能挺得住自己的質問、才能體會到這種療養的療效。急著展現復健好的樣子呈現給世人、也許會博得掌聲、卻是虛假的。

靈裡的飢渴更難對付。照理、感到靈魂飢渴的時候、是最好汲取靈糧的時候。但人的悲哀、就在於肉體習慣於自己解飢解渴的方式、雖然吃下的是一大堆垃圾食物、但經年累月下來、也就習慣於用那些喝了還要在渴、吃了還要在餓得東西來充飢。嗎哪是活命的天糧、但是每天清早要取當天的份、而且只能取一天的份、不能囤積、卻挑戰我們的恆心、順服的意願、和相信那是我們唯一的所需、相信每天必有每天的供應、若想要為明天先做打算、所儲蓄的到了明天就會壞掉。我先是為可以知道什麼叫靈魂的飢渴驚喜、感謝、接下來也要訓練自己、在意識到飢渴時、只來到施恩座前領取我當天的份、不要東張西望、以為從別處我也可以得到餵養、縱然各樣吃的、喝的、好像都垂手可得、充斥在我的環境裡、電腦、電視、食物、友誼、親情。。。

今天只有一個小時的工作。我讓時間慢慢從身邊經過。品嚐每一刻的寂靜和它們所帶來的治療的力量。腦筋裡頭控告自己不勤快、不事生產、對自己太好等等的聲音漸漸遠去。療養院的步伐就是緩慢的、療養院裡的病人是經不起一驚一咋的。慢慢的餵她、慢慢的引她往前走、時時給她休息的機會、一點一點的鍛鍊、允許退後的表現、別煩她、別逼她、也許復健完成之前、她就死了、但也有可能她可以健康的出去、再享受一些陽光和自由、過過正常人的日子。不管怎樣、每天都是值得的。