失敗

很少人會想到、離婚的人是曾經、或許仍然是、很痛苦的人。他們只想到、離婚的人是失敗的人、認為他們可能在某方面有缺陷。也許他們脾氣不好、也許他們太敏感、也許他們要求太高。。。他們沒有想到、離婚的人、可能是曾經痛苦到走不下去的人、寧可面對全世界的質疑、必須拾回做人的尊嚴的人。也許他們是很勇敢的人。也許他們是不放棄的人。也許他們是想誠實面對問題的人。也許。。。當然、也許他們是懦夫、選擇逃走。但是、你怎麼知道呢？

一場婚姻、其中有多少酸甜苦辣、有多少眼淚歡笑、有多少破碎的夢和永遠失去的夢。有多少無力感、有多少假象。如果可以多留一天、誰願意離婚？基督徒並沒有免疫於世上的痛苦與無奈、揮舞著禱告的寶劍不一定總贏不輸、畢竟禱告不是心想事成的包票。忍耐的袋子有撐破的時候。再多的意志力並不見得可以讓我舉起我舉不起的情緒的啞鈴。

提出離婚的人、尤其被人視為是壞人。但是又有誰想到、那個不提出離婚的人、也就是那個永遠不願意處理問題、只要求人永遠忍耐痛苦的人。提出離婚是壞人、不提出離婚、就做活死人。我寧可活著、而且誠實的活著。

面對人的質疑、我發現我還是想為自己辯護。但是總有徒然的感覺。畢竟、將近三十年的婚姻裡的點滴、豈是三言兩語可以道盡？即便故事說得完、其中冷暖、又豈是外人所能體會？我再一次勉勵自己、有些事情、是要帶著進墳墓的、離婚的事、就是一樁。總會有人要質疑、總會有人好奇、總會有人不以為然、也總會有人認為我少做了些什麼、也會有人認為因為我如此這般、才落得如此這般。每次出於自我保護的辯護和回答、都讓自己不齒、在對自己不太好的時候、還會嘲笑自己無效的自衛行動。每一次的教訓、更堅定我將以不語作為最好的回答的決心。隨便人如何標籤我、評估我、帶著冤枉進入棺材又何妨？

你說我失敗？我怎麼不覺得？說我得意？成功？我也不覺得。有些事、豈是黑白二分法就可以判定？更何況我有我救主寶血遮蓋、只待面對祂的時候、由祂定奪我一生的果效。人生這一路上、我只能繼續前行、跌倒不見得是失敗、爬起來也不見得就是成功、只是天路客必經的歷程、而且每人只能負責自己走的這獨特的一條。

寂寞

寂寞像苦瓜。

人問我一個人會不會寂寞。我開始自問這個問題。想了兩天、竟然想到苦瓜。

懂得吃苦瓜的人喜歡苦瓜、但是並不是不知道苦瓜苦。不喜歡苦瓜的人、只知道苦瓜苦、不知道苦瓜苦中有美味。寂寞、是情緒的landscape裡的一角吧、誰人沒有。寂寞的時候、敏銳的感受到自己的存在、知性感性都被尖銳化、我想也許因為這樣、人不喜歡它。但是若能容得下它、當它造訪的時候容許它停留、你會發現寂寞有一種味道、頭幾口難以下嚥、習慣之後、它竟然有它特殊的魅力。寂寞將你自人群中抽離、像一個廣角鏡、讓你看到更多。那是人生的一種美、是觀察人生、觀察自己的工作坊裡的一種顏色。單獨看它、或者只看到它、是一種悲哀、但是在某個時刻驚鴻一瞥、卻讓人生活潑起來。不懂得吃苦瓜的人、不能算懂得吃。不懂得寂寞的味道的人、沒有活過。

和人在一起時感到孤單、是很可悲的時刻。特別是在本來應該是親蜜的關係中、忽然意識到自己的孤單。在人群圍繞的時候、忽然察覺到自己其實不在其中、或者身邊明明躺著一個人、卻覺得自己其實是在一個很遠的地方。這種寂寞更難耐、因為其中還夾雜帶假面具的痛苦。一個人的寂寞比較單純吧、“一個人“的畫面裡、本來就沒有熱鬧和親密、寂寞、反而是比較好的標題、卻不表示它一定是悲哀的。

自己尋開心

今天下雨。連著下了三天了、我開始嚮往大太陽的日子。人真是的、旱久了想雨、雨久了想晴。太冷不行、太熱也不行。餓了不行、撐了也不行。睡不夠不行、睡太多也不行。血肉之軀能搞定、已經不簡單了！

晚上烤了十六個黃豆小餐包。出爐的小餐包放在枱尚待涼、我用雙肘撐著下巴、端詳我的小餐包、那是一種享受。外面淅哩嘩拉下著雨、我泡杯熱茶、點燃香油、看著自己親手做的餐包、覺得十分幸福。問題只有一個、這麼多餐包、可以送給誰。好問題。

累的時候、只要想到回家可以做麵包、就是支撐的力量。今天在教會練完詩歌、可說是一路奔到廚房、馬上開始和麵。一口氣做了兩種麵包、小餐包之外、還有明天早餐要吃的全麥麵包。看著它在烤箱裡成形、凸凸的形狀正是我要的、上面的芝麻、茴香籽、亞麻籽還有向日葵籽都黏得好好的沒有掉下來、我用手碰碰它們、確定牢牢黏在麵包上、有點不敢相信麵包表

面塗了一層水竟然就有如此的效果。心想明天早上把它烤了、加點奶油和raspberry jam、配上一杯現磨咖啡、一個荷包蛋、和洛杉磯時報、該有多美妙。

這是我自己尋開心的本事。謝謝媽媽生我好吃。謝謝爸爸把樂天的個性傳給我。謝謝上帝讓我存活、可以享受雨天夜晚烘培的樂趣。

不忙的代價

最近常在想、要不忙、是要付代價的。

第一個代價就是錢。忙、不一定會帶來錢、但不忙坐在家裡、肯定沒有錢。我發現當我在家的時候、想到我那些在看病人賺錢的同行們、心裡通常一陣慌。有人告訴我她們一星期上超過四十小時的班、我算算、哇、好多錢。所以要能安坐在家、需要對付這心慌慌的感覺。

另一個代價就是坐在家裡、沒有價值的感覺。這個世界是用你能賺多少錢、你有什麼成就、來衡量你的價值。坐在家裡的人、沒錢也沒成就、是否也就沒價值了呢？要能安坐在家、必須對付這種沒有價值的感覺。

另一個代價就是別人對你的看法。現代人好像假設每一個人都是很忙的。我很不忙、當人問起“你很忙吧。“的時候、我常不知所挫。說不忙吧、沒人會相信、或者他們會懷疑我怎麼了、怎麼會不忙？說忙吧、又是說謊。常常支支唔唔就過去了。不曉得何年何月起、我好像用“忙“與否來衡量自己活著的品質。somehow、“忙“ 變成帶有負面意味的狀態。我不想忙、也不忙、但是我發現不忙帶給我一些深思、和挑戰。

我開始思考、人的價值到底是如何決定。如果我生來、什麼也不做、也許我身心某一方面有欠缺、以致無法工作、或者情勢不允許我工作、那麼我還有價值嗎？我感謝主、因他創造我、我就有價值。不在乎我做什麼、或不做什麼。他不但賦予我價值、他還愛我。Can you believe it!? I guess there are times when I don't believe it. And those are the times, when I don't do something, I don't feel I am worth anything. 做全職媽媽的時候、就遇到這種挑戰。因為我“不上班“所以好像總是在向賺錢的人證明、我還是有價值的。或許說、這種不做工就不許吃飯的心態、鞭策我自己不停的做、好在坐下來吃晚飯的時候、覺得我“配得“ 但是因為沒有金錢的數量來衡量我到底有多少價值、所以再怎麼做、好像也無法向人向己證明、我所得的、和我所付出的、是剛好平衡。上班的人回家、可以看報休息、因為他配得。因為他賺來的。沒有上班的人、看報休息怎麼可以。要說服自己、不是很容易。“配“ 的尺度、很難拿捏。煮飯照顧孩子、做家事再辛苦、好像就是不能為我“賺來“ 休息的權利。沒想到、一生中大半的年歲、是用在找到自己的價值上！

現在全職媽媽功成身退、空出來的時間、仍在挑戰我。好像“空閒“永遠和“沒出息“連在一起。

但是我好喜歡不忙。

中午站在廚房水槽前、慢慢的洗碗、冬日中午暖暖的陽光照在臉上、聽得水聲嘩嘩、把幾個碗洗得乾乾淨淨、心中有種莫名的滿足感和感恩。有多少二十一世紀像我這年記的人、可以在週間的白天、享受這寧靜的一刻？拿出記事簿、數數這星期的病人、十人。平均一天兩人。我這樣活著、ok嗎？只有我自己可以給答案。And this is the hart part. People don't necessarily like it when people tell them what to do with their lives, but when told, most will not want to listen either. We want to be our own master, to be able to decide for ourselves, but sometimes we just want someone to tell us what is the "right" thing to do.

不忙的另一個挑戰就是無聊的感覺。大把的時間在我們手中的時候、有人覺得很慌張、不知做什麼來打發。我想很多忙得很的人、是因為不知如何面對不忙的時候心裡浮出來的很多的東西。有的是回憶的片段、有的是莫名的感覺、有的是明知無法圓的夢所帶來的憤怒和傷心、有的是遺憾。林林總總、在忙的時候是不會感受到的。大部份的人、寧可和事物、其他的人相處、確寧可不要和自己獨處。更別說長時間的和自己獨處。紀律是首先的問題。當你不用朝九晚五、當你自己可以決定何時起床何時就寢、當你可以隨意進食、不需向任何人交待的時候、自律、便成了一大課題。忙的時候、生活節拍緊湊、結構嚴謹、雖然不一定有益身心、卻也不容怠慢、他律、畢竟不用大腦、也不容創意。不忙的時候、要用大腦、也要有創意、否則無聊的感覺會讓人沮喪不安。我覺得、不忙、比忙、更不容易。忙、好像順水推舟、跟著走就是、不忙、卻向逆水行舟、得使勁、才不會被淹沒。

上帝創造天地之後就安息了、但詩篇中說祂 “不打盹也不睡覺。“ 地保護我們。那是安息中的工作。風浪中在船尾睡覺的耶穌、也是平靜風和海的萬有的主、那是工作中的安息。我是按著祂形象造的、有祂的影子、所以在工作渴望休假、休假久了想工作、好像永遠找不到平衡。唯有當我確信自己的價值不做工作中、我想我們才能在不忙的時候、享受自己、而不被心慌的感覺、沒價值的感覺、和無聊的感覺騷擾、在最簡單的存在裡、歌頌生命的美麗、和創造者的偉大。

Me Time

I know, I know, this is not healthy at all; I mean, eating your meals in front of TV, or in this case, computer.

But oh boy, did I have a great time!

Felt pretty good with my last session after I had complained to A about not wanting to work with couples. She said she didn't like working with those couples when all they do in the session is to blame the other person. Mine did exactly that today, but we also got some other positive things done so that was good enough for me.

On my way home, I did all the things that made me happy and thought, after all, life is good.

The library is right across from the office so I walked over. Felt really happy to see people reading; not so much for the fact that they are reading for knowledge, but more for the fact that they can find a quiet corner for themselves and enjoy themselves. You can call that projection but today I feel full of joy and I don't really care. The library is so new and clean and quiet. I walked around and soon left without borrowing any books but I was happy anyway.

Went to Starbucks to grab some coffee and that always feels good. Now my car smells coffee and I just love that.

Been wanting to go to the Salvation Army store and today seems to be a good day to go. I couldn't believe my luck when I saw this manual coffee grinder. I had been looking for one for some time now. For under $5 I got it. No tax, even. My heart swells a little more.

Went to the neighborhood Indian grocery store to buy curry. The store is small, but well stocked, and the keeper speaks English English, not Indian English and I had no problem understanding him. Whew! My culinary imagination started to run wild and I was extra nice to the store keeper because I knew I would come back, and also because, well, I was very happy.

Came home to finish what I had started last night -- my pork/soy bean dish with the curry I had gotten. In twenty minutes, I wanted to climb to the roof of my house and shout "Anyone care for some good food?" The dinner roll was also home made. Can you believe that! I felt very narcissistic but I guess it's okay to once in a while feel that way.

Chef John manages to always make me laugh. So what's a better place to have lunch than in front of the computer, watching his food blog?

I even washed my car today, using only one bucket of water. Didn't get myself all wet, and felt good for having saved the world some water. (Honestly, I wasn't thinking about my water bill at all. )

So who cares I had lunch in front of my computer today.

Catching My Thoughts

像一個廚子、在品嚐一口食物之後、意識到留在齒舌間的五味、他給予它們時間、給予它們注意、並不急著想吃下面一口、或起身去做別的事、我今天早上起來、覺得心情複雜、看完報、開始慢慢明白有些情緒是昨天晚上看電視時沒有處理、累積到今天早上、變成異常沈重。

看完了最後一集Band of Brothers. 二次大戰的故事總是很吸引我、全神貫注的看、不放過每一個對話、每一個表情。昨晚看到美軍在歐洲戰場結束之後、解放一些集中營的歷史鏡頭。我看到一個身穿條紋囚衣、瘦骨嶙峋的被囚者、緊緊擁抱一個經過他身邊的美國大兵。素昧生平、他卻緊抱著不放、而且開始哭泣。美國大兵愣愣地站在那裡、突兀間卻用手輕撫這個感激他的陌生人。我聽到自己喉間發出類似哭嚎的聲音、以為自己哭了、卻發現沒有眼淚、幾個鏡頭之後、才發覺自己的心好像被匕首刺穿、痛到不行。看完之後太睏了就睡了。

今早Ｌ.A. Times上有一篇文章講到一個浸信會的軍牧在阿富汗被路旁炸彈炸死、留下三個稚齡的孩子和他們的母親。看完文章、早餐也吃完、卻是食不知味。

堆滿在心裡的哀傷讓我什麼都不能做、只想快快爬到耶穌腳前、抱著他禱告。只有祂可以鎮定我的靈魂、不知過了多久、忽然在靈裡湧出對addicts的憐憫、“他們不知道是在怎麼樣的痛苦中？“的想法帶來不可言喻的compassion。我不知道為什麼會從二戰想到軍牧、想到addicts、轉瞬間記起、原來一月份應邀去向一群年輕人分享、其中包括如何面對和處理“癮“的問題、可能就這樣我輾轉在禱告中開始為一群尚未謀面的年輕人禱告吧。讓我難以忘懷的、是那個compassion。那一瞬間、發自心底、沒有任何悟性上的質詢的真誠的關愛。是情緒landscape中的一塊寶地、像是耶穌衣襟上掉下的一片天堂、是清晨的嗎拿。

在那一瞬間、我被改變、被擴大。我拿什麼獻給耶穌？我是罪人蒙恩、又蒙恩、天天蒙恩、刻刻蒙恩。除了感恩和獻上自己、我沒有什麼可以奉獻給這位已經擁有萬有的愛我的主。

白天與夜晚的掙扎

我喜歡早起。像今天早上。五點半就醒了。遛狗回來、還有許多時間。忽然想吃raisin bran muffin。看看時間還早得很、乾脆來做給自己吃。二十分鐘之後、剛出爐的muffin 就已放在網架尚待涼。煎個蛋、煮杯咖啡、加上一個摻著新疆帶回來的葡萄乾的bran muffin、我看著報、從容地享受安靜的早上。開始靈修時、才七點半。我覺得好富有。

遛狗的時候、鄰居們都還在熟睡吧、附近靜悄悄的。天還黑著。富有的感覺來自於沒有人佔據我的空間和時間。我走在每天固定的路線上、思緒飄到這裡那裡、氣定神閑。狗做牠的事、我做我的事。這樣的搭檔已經超過十年、我甚至在想、這種固定的作息、舒適的心情、使我的心跳脈搏都慢下來了似的、對我、對我的狗、應該都是有益的、說不定還延年益壽呢。

晚上也好。也是安靜。拿本好書、泡杯好茶、窩在舒服的椅子裡、貓咪在膝上提供溫暖和親密的感覺。冷了、起來抓一床香香的毛毯撘在身上、繼續看書。看到好笑的地方就笑它兩聲、嚴肅的地方、就在看一次、好好的想想。我覺得太好了、遲遲不想去睡。睡意來時、已近午夜。

如此這般、兩頭都要。晚上不肯睡、早上又想想受早起的樂趣、付上的代價是睡眠不足、幾天之後就知道厲害。

什麼事情都有代價。到底要早起早睡、還是早起晚睡、還是晚起晚睡、還是晚起早睡、唉、這麼簡單的幾個選擇、都能叫我掌握不住、都能引起我的貪心。放縱之後就警惕自己要有紀律、有紀律一陣子後又想放縱、一鬆一緊、一放一收、要取得平衡、我看是一生的功課。人、真難搞。一生當中能把幾樣事學好呢？

To Love Me Is To Know Me

不曉得這句話是否這樣解釋、但是如果你愛我、我希望你認識我。

不知道為何想要被認識是如此不肯離開我的頑強的慾望。我要你認識我。不被認識是最會讓我傷心的事。我不在乎名利、不需住華宅穿名牌開名車、但是我好想被你認識。

當你問我“你是怎麼想的？“的時候、我覺得你想認識我。我的話匣子就打開、打開著打開、又開始擔心也許我的道白讓你認識更多的我、反而你就不喜歡我了。

當你問我“你的感受如何？“ “妳為甚麼哭了？“ 的時候、我也覺得你想認識我、我就會忍不住告訴你更多我的感受、但是你聽了、也許開始覺得我很奇怪、也許你對我說、“妳太敏感“ 好像我的感受是過頭了、是超出範圍、是不正常、是錯了、或者、起碼是、你不認同、但是、我的感受卻真真實實是我的感受、不是我故意要那樣覺得。如果你可以接受我的感受、容許我有這樣的感受、我纔會覺得你接受我。

我有時在想、是否自己真的錯了？也許我不要在意、也許我有感受也把它抹殺、也許我有想法也不要分享、因為有誰要知道呢？有誰在乎我呢？而且、最困難的是、我就是這樣、即使我不說、我也知道我就是對某些事有某些感受、因為那就是為什麼我是我。

有人說我想太多、但是、那就是我。接下來的問題就是、像這樣的我、有人愛嗎？我好像很麻煩。誰能handle我想這麼多？誰能跟得上我？誰能接納我？誰想認識我？誰會珍惜這樣的我？還是他們聽到我的道白之後、都想勸我不要做我？如果是這樣、難道我不該存在？難道那訊息是在告訴我：“Don't be you because I don't like the way you are. Be something else, someone else?"

有誰認識我了之後、還想認識更多的我？還是、這樣就夠了。你煩不煩？

也許當我分享我的感受時、聽者以為我在怪他。那麼要陳明多少次、“我不是怪你“ 才能把好像有人受傷的氣氛拿掉？我想要一個“大大“的人、大到、可以聽我說他的言行對我造成的情緒反應、還可以聽得進去、不忙著為自己辯護、反而聽懂我的傾訴。好像一個裝髒衣服的簍子、知道我丟進來的、只是我的髒衣服、卻不表示他是個髒衣服簍子。也許覺得臭氣薰天、卻絕不會誤認自己是髒簍子。天下、有這種人嗎？也許因為我的職業、我每天做衣服簍子、覺得人人都可以做得來、只要願意學習。也許我忘了、我學做簍子也不是一天兩天的事、而且在學的時候、有人訓練我、提醒我、也許我什麼都不會、卻很會做個髒衣服簍子 所以選擇它做職業。堆滿了髒衣服是我天天的樣子、我不會討厭髒衣服、也不會搞不清楚髒衣服不是我。你懂我在說什麼嗎？

想你明白我、想你想認識我。這是可能的嗎？還是這是年輕人的特權？在我的年紀、有誰還在乎我是誰？也許生活折磨每個人、到一個程度、大家自顧不暇？

我的毛病到底在哪裡？

Godly Sorrow

"Godly sorrw brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." (2 Corinthians 7:10)

I was reading Spurgeon's daily reading for today this morning and this is the verse for today. As always, I read this verse again in the Bible. Tears started streaming down my face after I read it a few times and I had no idea why I was crying. Something deep in me was touched by this verse. With my mind's eye, I saw myself as a convalescent patient, being wheeled by God, when He whispered this verse into my ears. Like a child, I did not understand fully what I was told, but emotionally, I got it. His love and forgiveness and acceptance of me enlarged me. I am still struggling to verbalize this understanding.

That was a feeling of warmth... of peace. I knew, emotionally, that I was at peace with Him and myself at that exact moment. I felt I was becoming whole. I felt I could rest. A spring of water wants to flow out of me. I felt I could love genuinely and deeply.

I don't remember what Spurgeon wrote about this verse as clearly now, but God's word I can hear still... "godly sorrow worketh repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret." It's almost like each time when I sin, it's a chance for me to see the true color of me. And this verse tells me, if I truly abhor the evil of sin, I will run to Him for salvation and then be given a new life, instead of kicking myself, because I arrogantly believe I am better than I really am, and believe that if only I would work harder, I could be better. The futile attempt to get out of that entrapment will eventually lead to death by exhaustion and disillusion.

I pray to enjoy this kind of continual repentance until I enter my eternal rest.

Morning Reflection

Just as I was thinking about Megan this morning, she called. She and I have been talking about the possibility that she will go through oral surgery to have her open bite corrected next year. Today she went for a second opinion. Coming out of the doctor's office and on her way to work, she told me the pros and cons that doctor had informed her. I caught myself paying attention only to the part that worried me as a mother.

Let's say someone tells me in one breath, ten things. Person A might pay attention more to thing number one, and person B might pay attention to thing number two and three... to which part of the information we pay the most attention has to do, I think, with who we are and how the world has been treating us in the past. I, as a mother, worry most about her safety. I don't really know how having an open bite jaw feels like each time you need to bite into something, or in her case, not being able to bite into certain things, but I know I am scared to think about all the possible complications. Different bits of the information arouses different emotions in different people and we would respond most readily to those, instead of looking at the information at its entirety and truthfully weighing the pros and cons. Our judgement is biased by our emotions. I told her I came to realize, after giving it more thought and having some time lapsed between our last conversation and now, the part that worries me the most was how she would survive the post op discomfort and inconvenience. And she laughed and we joked about how eating must be a very important thing for our family. (Lately we have been talking a lot about how we always talk about food and spend time in the kitchen.)

I realized she did not need my signature anymore, if she decides to go through with the surgery, because she is an adult now. This is her life, her body and her decision. I will not let my anxiety, fear and personal experiences interfere with how she wants to make decisions for herself. We have had more than a few conversations on this topic, and I know she is not treating this subject matter lightly. I can not be responsible for this decision no matter how she decides.

Listening to Amazing Grace by the Chanticleer one more time this morning and as I let tears roll down my cheeks, I asked myself what being amazed is like. Since when did I stop being amazed by His grace? Do I really know that I once was blind but now I see? Or am I still blind? I was bound, but now I am free, it says. Am I free? Free to love, free of fear, free of judgement, free of anxiety and free to serve his church and free of myself? What is it like to be free? It must be without fear.

I found Marble sleeping next to me with her face on my pillow last night. I like waking up in the middle of the night feeling that way. Loved, I guess.

Things That Make Me Happy (8)

Sunday afternoon. I was hot and tired.

I have had this red cabbage in the fridge for too long now, and have always wanted to use it up but don't really like the texture and the taste of it. Can't stir fry it because it will turn into the world's ugliest color -- so ugly there is no name for it. It's not brown, and it's not gray. Horrible color.

I stood in the kitchen, thinking...

A few minutes later, this beautiful drink not only drenched my thirst, it made me so happy! The beautiful color is the highlight of my day. Praise the Lord for colors!

1/4 of a solid red cabbage, 1/2 of an almost-want-to-throw-away dead ripe banana, 1/2 peach from yesterday, 16 red grapes, 1/2 jumbo cucumber, 1/2 cup of water, 2 cups of ice cubes.

Life is good.

Feeling Unhappy

Feeling unhappy is a strange thing.

For two days now, I have been feeling unhappy. I notice the mood change after I had the phone conversation with her. She told me how she ran into John and shared with me what they talked about.

The strange thing was, I started to feel unhappy but didn't know for what. I allowed myself sometime to experience what I thought was going to be sadness, and because I was just about to go to bed when she called, I thought I would cry a little and then fell asleep. That was not what happened. I didn't cry. But I was unhappy. So it must not be sadness I felt. When people are sad, they want to cry.

For two days now, I am still unhappy. Still don't know why. I am amazed at human's capacity for self deception. The reason(s) for my unhappiness remained hidden from me and as much as spend quiet time with myself, praying and reflecting and searching, I still was not clear. Some hints, but not clear.

Being the way I am, this has become a more interesting, than distressing phenomenon for me.

Then I was reminded of this verse : "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." (Psalms 42: 5)

Wanting to know has been characteristic of me. Knowledge about why things are and why people are the way they are and why I am the way I am has always attracted me. I am curious; I want to know. I want to know so I can make good decisions, and I want to know so things make sense to me. The problem is, there are things I don't know, and most times knowing doesn't do much at all in terms of help me love better, which is the epitome of God's commands.

Putting my hope in God needs to be a constant effort. The opposite of unhappy is not happy. It is the ability to look upward to Him. It is the commitment to move forward with him and not stuck in the present, or the past. It is the will to go to work, take care of myself, stay connected with friends and family, trusting that feelings come and go, but He doesn't change and He is a good God.

New Found Voice

I have always believed people can change, but it was not until yesterday did I pay attention to an important link in the process of changing. Effort. The awareness of the need for change, and the willingness to change are all important before any changes can take place. But without effort to work it, change will remain a sweet dream at best.

Several of my girlfriends have told me, at different times, that I needed a voice of my own. After years of being mute, I didn't know I had a voice, and as I am beginning to hear my own inner voice, to make it audible takes effort. I need to know how to voice it.

The kitchen remodeling is nearing its end. It has been agony for me. It's about what I want for my kitchen and it's about making things happen for me, and it's about asking people (project manager and workers) and sometimes demanding them to work for me and me alone. All is new to me. The last thing, after one month working on the inside, is to finish the outside window trim. A new window was put in, but it still needs frame. I needed to tell the project manager I wanted the window "restored" to pre-installation condition, i.e., where there used to be wood trim, after the new window was put in, the wood trim should be put back. Legitimate request, I think.

It took me thirty minutes to rehearse my lines before I called the project manager this morning. I heard my voice inside of me, but I needed words to communicate it to him. I remember scrambling words in my head, strike them, re-phrase, strike them, re-phrase. To my surprise, my main concern was to not offend him, as if I was being unreasonable, almost like a whining child, and I was afraid that if I upset him, he would not give me what I wanted. For the most part of my life, I think that's how I have "operated."

After much rehearsing, I called. I was hoping he would not pick up, and I would just leave a message, reciting from memory what I had been rehearsing til that point of time. He answered. My heart thumped but I heard my own voice. He had no qualms about it at all and it was done. I did not upset him and I got what I wanted.

But maybe I was just lucky. What if he did get upset because to do it as I wanted meant more work, and therefore less profit, for him and his company. If he would have given me a hard time, would I have backed off? There is no way to know. I know I can be very easily harassed and intimidated and bullied. My voice sounds to me like a little beep. A disagreeable look, a hum and a hem could easily silence me.

I used to be my daddy's little girl. And a good girl I was. A good girl never disagrees. She needs not to have her own voice. Or so some daddies think. My dad loved me, but he didn't allow me to have my own voice.

My heavenly father gives me a voice and wants to hear me. He also gives me opportunities to practice using my voice so I can hear it too. He is giving me back my lost voice; He is giving me back the lost me. For that, I give thanks.

破碎的心無法給完整的愛

如果這個邏輯是對的、那麼難怪墮落的人無法給予彼此完全的愛。罪進入世界、心被污染、性情被污染、需要被污染、重重不完全下、儘管我們想愛、以為自己可以愛、會愛、我們的愛卻總是殘缺不能讓人滿足、甚至會害人。

早上帶狗去走、牠年老無力的前腿讓他在草地和水泥人行道邊上失足、牠不以為意、站起來繼續聞東聞西。我倒是有一陣子的羞恥感、好像自己在人前跌跤一般。我把這種感受投射在牠身上、以為牠也會如此感覺、看到牠一副完全不以為意的樣子、幫助我釋懷。要是跌跤的是一個人、或者是一個走在我身邊的人、或者是一個走在我身邊親近的人、恐怕情況就完全不同。跌跤的人會有些感受、我在一旁也會有些感受、兩人也會感受到對方的感受、再加上錯誤的投射、有意無意的掩飾、一大堆感受攪在一堆、什麼是誰的感受也都搞不清楚、很可能在那一瞬間、感情疏遠、或增進、如此日復一日、年復一年、攪和到最後、兩人都不知曾幾何時感情生變、更不知從何說起。

再婚離婚率據統計數字、比第一次結婚離婚率要高。照理人從第一次的失敗中、會記取教訓、不應重蹈覆轍。但是事實不是如此。一錯在錯、傷心再傷心。我想有一部份原因就是破碎的心無法給完整的愛。

不管離婚者怎麼看、離婚本身是一種分開、是把本來在一起的撕開。姑且不論撕開在當事人的經驗中是怎麼一回事、但是撕開、分開、就是一種失去。失去帶來傷痛、傷痛的心不可能是完整的。如果這個心沒有得到醫治、就想用再愛再給來麻木失去的痛苦、就像一個負傷的人想趕快達到目標、前仆後繼、也許為的是不用面對負傷的羞辱和失望、也許不想承認負傷的事實、也許不知道自己負傷、但是勉強前行的結果、可能是更多的受傷、甚至癱瘓、永遠到不了目的地。

被忽略的人、再進入親密關係中、可能對正常的個人空間超級反感、也可能因為怕再度被忽略而緊緊抓住對方、讓對方窒息、離開、更加證實他被忽略的恐懼是真實的。

習慣討好別人、需要得到別人認可的人、如果沒有找到自己、肯定自己、學會不怕拒絕、再進入親密關係中、也是同樣的讓人無法認識、因為不會說不、心中委屈感一定與日劇增、總是說“是“、總是迎合、總是隨便、也挺乏味、終究讓人對他失去興趣、而遠離他、如此一來、不被認可的恐懼又讓他更想迎合別人、總想找標準答案來回答別人、讓人喜歡、自己於是越來越迷失、與所愛的人的關係、也日益疏遠。表面上也許因為有一方可以忍讓而維持和諧、但和平的假象畢竟無法教人滿足。

破碎的心要得到適當的治療與恢復、需要時間。竟一生之久、也沒有人可以完成這個課題、更不要說幾年的時間。離婚與再婚之間、療傷醫治復原應該是第一要務。唯有盡力做好修補的工作、才能指望下一次的愛可以更健康、更完整。

此恨綿綿無絕期

朋友建議：不如改成。。。此愛綿綿？此情綿綿？

我如此回答：

別忘了
這首詩的題目就叫長恨歌
莫非要改成長愛歌？長情歌？
（開玩笑的）
我覺得我喜歡此恨綿綿無絕期
（所以長恨歌還是最恰當的題目）
我想這種恨不是生氣、討厭、摧毀的那種情緒
而是一種遺憾無奈
（像恨鐵不成鋼）
明知是事實、可是很難接受（明知它就是鐵、永遠無法變成鋼。。。）

就像詩人所寫的
在天願怎麼樣在地願怎麼樣
可是事實是
有一個人會先走
總會折翼
總會折枝
比翼雙飛的夢想
也會像天地一樣
縱使長久、也畢竟
“有時盡“

這是一種更痛苦
卻是真實的人生的經驗
愛、和情
讓人覺得他們能做些什麼
讓人想一起做些事
可是這種恨
帶來的是無力感
他走了
就是走了
什麼都不能做
什麼都不想做
只想死
卻又一時死不了
是一種煎熬
徹底的無力
是生命被抽空
精力被榨乾的感覺

寫著寫著
我倒真appreciate中國文字之美
沒有別的字
可以代替這一個“恨“
主觀的經驗上
這是百分之百的無力
客觀上
這種無法改變的事實
卻是最大的“力“
白居易也是寫的楊貴妃之死
死
是無人能改變的
人在死亡的面前
是絕對的無力
可怕的無力感
渺小感
也許就是像你說的
最公平的事
在它的面前
誰也別想做什麼
說什麼
一切都無效
任你聲嘶力竭
它無動於衷

hence
此恨綿綿
無絕期
how powerful
how sad
how true.

慢半拍（續）

那次晚上地震的時候、我覺得好像聽到瓦斯漏氣嘶嘶的聲音、是第一次面對單身生活中的恐懼。我只好禱告。心想、如果發生什麼事、沒有人可以救我、只有把自己的靈魂交在上帝手裡。躺在床上等地震過去的那幾秒鐘、腦中閃過許多圖畫。。。好在我天性樂觀、堅信死亡是去見我主的必經路程、所以通常都是躺在床上、等死嗎？其實這也是蠻怪的一種情緒的組合。又怕、又不怕。所以纔會躺在床上禱告吧。怕裡面有平安、你說奇怪不奇怪。

離婚的時候沒想到會有這種鏡頭。

友人力勸我趁年紀還不算太老、趕快找人再嫁。有的建議我go for eHarmony. 我說我太cheap、不想每月付月費。有人要給我介紹男友。我才開始想、我還有下半生、該如何過？單身？同居？結婚？又不單身又不同居又不結婚？其中只有單身和結婚是我會考慮的。但這兩個選擇、都有極大的代價。其實其他的選擇、又何嘗沒有代價？只是現代人也許礙於面子、和必須politically correct, 不好承認罷了。如果我還有四十年好活、（這是樂觀的我在說話、按照目前life span的統計數字、我沒有剩下那麼多年。）我又越來越喜歡做女人、該是年老力衰的時候、身心靈各方面卻竟都不覺得在走下坡、要能安於獨自享受餘生、貢獻餘生、恐怕也是件大工程。再婚、想到要和一個陌生的老男人從彼此認識開始、交往到可以互托終生、也蠻可怕、甚至怪怪的、有點噁心。

這、也是離婚時沒有想到的。

裝修房子的工頭、賣車的salesman、到IKEA的售貨員、甚至認識多年的園丁、在多一點談話之後、好像隱約知道我單身、都顯出男人本色、言談中、“我是男人、你是女人。。。“ 的感覺總在空氣中、令人不舒服、緊張、有時討厭。莫非我要騙人、說我丈夫在上班？最可惡的就是、園丁的年紀可以做我兒子、講着不盡達意的墨西哥英語、也能讓我聽到他語調中的男、性。

沒有婚姻的保護、暴露的感覺、也是以前沒有想到會有的。

昨天聽到自己和貓咪說話、心裡再一次同意、人是社交的動物、孤立是不好的。我們需要跟人（貓狗以外）講話。講太多我煩、完全不講、或講不通、講不夠、也是問題。人、真麻煩。

人生每個階段、都有必須要處理的事情。每個決定、也都有它的後果、包括情緒的後果。越老越不會在對與錯之間尋找如何做決定的指標、反而更在乎我主的心是否喜悅、唯有當祂喜悅我的時候、我才能享受我決定的後果。當我讓他痛心、我自己也八成好不到哪裡去。決定不管對與錯、當人生的跟斗任憑怎麼使勁兒都翻不過去的時候、跌在地上也不能責備他努力不夠、爬起來之後、仍要面對人和事。好在恩慈的主、從不落井下石、反而及時伸出救贖的手、救我又救我、還要救我到底。

慢半拍

結婚二十九年、歷盡一個女人可以承受的心路滄桑、為捍衛這個婚姻弄到頭破血流、最後為了保命而離婚。過去兩年、我正奇怪、自己莫非是異類、為甚麼感覺不到離婚的痛苦、二十九年不是短時間、其中有血有淚、但也不是完全沒有快樂的時候、為甚麼離開的感覺像是脫掉一頂帽子而已。

很多人女人說、離了婚好輕鬆、好開心、終於可以過自己想過的日子、也許再也不要一個男人來攪和自己的生命、新時代的女性、個個獨立堅強、誰需要男人？

但是上帝說、祂恨惡離婚。我完全同意、因為我也恨惡離婚。

曾經連結的兩個肉心、撕開的時候、能不痛嗎？就算沒有男女之間羅漫蒂克的愛、做夫妻、共組家庭、生兒養女、風吹雨打的時候同躲在一個屋簷底下、二十九年之後、分別不可能不帶來任何衝擊。離婚人的輕鬆、我每天體會。下班的時候不用想到還要回家煮飯給人吃就累。晚上睡覺一個人可以佔一張床、愛怎睡、愛幾點睡、都隨意。不回家吃飯也不用交待。裝修廚房一人作主、我說了算。要去哪裡旅遊、貓狗安排好就可成行、目的地是否是英語系國家也不是我的考量。經濟上偶爾做些驚險動作也不用擔心會嚇到別人。但是、離婚的痛、也像離婚的輕鬆一樣、是一種現象、是一個代價、是一個挑戰、是一個過程。只體會、或者只承認其中的一面、應該都不是人性真實的描繪。

但是、有可能痛苦的意識是慢半拍的。也許為了手術切除致命腫瘤、必須將人麻醉、否則手術的痛苦可能比腫瘤更先讓人死去。手術後、若成功醒來、麻醉退了、慢慢感到痛、好像蠻正常。我想我現在正在醒來。原來起先的不痛、不是不正常、而是一種保護、省得我死去。但是前一陣子、真的很自以為誠實的搜索內心、總找不到痛苦忌妒等人說我該有的感受、竟然開始懷疑自己是否哪裡不對勁。那種“我和別人不同“的異類的感覺、也挺可怕的。讓人覺得孤單、因為好像全世界只有我是這樣。

在麻醉底下、因為暫時沒有痛感、若有傷害、更是可怕、因為不知痛、就無法保護自己。醒來時、痛上加痛。

慢半拍的痛、要回過神來、才能慢慢體會。復原的路、不可能跳過痛。

感謝上帝、祂恨惡離婚、因為離婚讓祂所愛的、痛。凡是會傷害我的、祂都恨惡。感謝祂、抱起我、纏裹我、對我說、祂要抱著我往前走、直等我可以自己走一條讓祂放心的路、一條用祂祝福舖滿的路。

重建家園

聽妹妹說、老媽最近在“感覺自己“為下次去看醫生做準備。上回去看家庭醫生、被醫生問起哪兒不舒服、媽媽無法具體回答。醫生和病人都很有挫折感。

媽媽和爸爸在一起的那麼多年、為了幫助爸爸成長、為了維持家中和樂氣氛、為了在爸爸和外公外婆之間做調和的工作、好在妻子的角色中、也能盡獨生女的孝道、為了給我和妹妹們有好榜樣、為了其他我不完全清楚的內在外在因素、她努力扮演好這些角色、卻失去了自己。爸爸過世之後、一個我們以前沒有看過的媽媽出現了。

我們希望看到媽媽享受晚年、卻也看到她在尋找自己的過程中的茫然。畢竟丟掉了東西要再度擁有、先得找到、找著之後、還會有段不適應期、要重新調整和找回來的我的關係、更要決定找回來的是否都要保存。我和妹妹說、好像被壓縮了的包裹、打開的一刹那並不能叫它立即恢復原形、要能回到原形、需要時間。

我也曾丟掉過自己。現在找回來沒有也不知道。感覺上、丟了許久的東西、也不會想念、也許根本不覺得少了。找回了、可能還覺得陌生、不知如何擁有它、生命中、似乎會出現一些混亂、和倒退的現象。

感謝愛我的主、在我重建的過程中、用祂的光做我的鏡子、好叫我看見自己。祂也給我看當初創造的藍圖、和祂的美好的創意、讓我知道斷壁殘垣祂不嫌棄、還要和我聯手重建。

榮耀苦楚與廚房

沒有廚房的日子不好過。

我們四個整天被關在臥室。工人為做工方便、把後門敞着。所以貓咪必須關在臥室、不然她們會趁機出去蹓躂、可能就找不回來了。老狗倒是無所謂、反正白天都睡大覺、並不在乎在哪兒睡。只是睡和醒之間、少了些空間伸伸腿、景觀也沒有變化。我察覺到、牠寧可我不要弄廚房。

沒有廚房、所有的生活機能都在臥室裡。簡直不可能！把廚房東西裝箱時、把刀叉筷子咖啡壺等特別放在外層、自以為很聰明。沒想到要用的時候、才發現徒有工具是沒用的。有咖啡壺沒有咖啡。有刀叉筷子沒有食物。湯匙是要吃麥片用的、可是麥片埋在箱子最底層、拿不到。結果是完全癱瘓。克難了幾頓、晚上等工人收了工、蹲在地上用爐子煮些簡單的東西、貓狗全圍過來參觀、狗甚至快流口水、頭蹭過來、我一手拿鍋蓋、一手拿碗、還要一手盛食、還要用手肘擋狗、的確感到需要多起碼一雙手。好不容易把食物弄到我的口裡、還有善後要處理。貓食、狗食、人食、全在一個房間。還有貓沙、狗墊、人的報紙和垃圾桶。

白天工人切瓷磚、時不時有機器轉動的尖銳的聲音。貓咪時刻無法放鬆、我也無法專心做任何事、因為我們都不喜歡噪音。還好狗狗耳朵不行、對他倒不造成任何不舒服、照睡。

還有灰塵。所有的東西都罩在灰塵裡。只能忍耐。

還好冰箱還插着電。可是也快要彈盡援絕。我只能說、這是自找的。要裝修任何地方、就得有這種心理準備。

“為了那將來的榮耀、現在要忍受至暫至輕的苦楚。“ 要兩星期之後有舒適好用漂亮的廚房、就得忍受過程中的不便和難受。將來的吸引越強、忍受現在不舒服的意願也才會越強。

Emotional Color Chart

Woke up around 5 this morning. Thought about something and started to get all worried and scared. The more I thought about it, the more I could not go back to sleep so I decided to just get up and walk Beau.

The strange, (or not so strange) thing is, after I got up and went about my day, the worry didn't seem to be so worth it anymore. Anxiety was gone. Thoughts were remote. In less than 3 hours, I feel like a different person. The same thoughts surrounding that issue are still with me, and I still believe what I was concerned was legitimate. The difference is how I feel.

I was reminded once again, that feelings are ephemeral and can not be trusted. Feelings are precious gift from God too, and feelings are what makes us human. But feelings can be so easily blown out of proportion and feelings can rob you of perspective and entrench you and paralyze you. How nice if we can all keep feelings of equal size. Just the right blend of feelings to make the emotional rainbow beautiful. But with me, sometimes there is too much yellow and sometimes there is too much gray. I can have a lot of red too, and sometimes even a big blob of white. I was feeling black this morning, and alarming orange was flashing too. Went to workout, had breakfast, looked at hummingbirds and the proportion of those colors changed.

I think I am feeling green now. Somewhat healed.

(Also went to HomeDepot to pick a paint color for my kitchen.)

Such Are My Friends

These are how I see my friends.

Some are Christians, who claim to love the Lord and want to live a life that glorifies God. They appear to be loving and caring, but it's because they think that is the way to get people to buy their religion. They practice this attitude until it becomes their god.

I also have family and friends who walk the political-correct tightrope. They take it upon themselves to also educate me about the consequences of being political incorrect, and the most immediate lesson from them, is that I will be attacked. This kind of attitude has nothing to do with inviting an honest debate about truth, but everything to do with wanting to appear up-to-date in their postmodern thinking, and an ultimate challenge to God's sovereignty.

There's also this group of non-Christian friends that I have. I value their friendship because these are people with compassion. They may not be well learned, but their right and wrong is very clear. Many of them are well learned, but they continue to want to know more and are honest with what they don't know. As such, they listen to my struggles with genuine love and they are quick to forgive if my language is less than perfect, and when my political view appears conservative. A few of them are so comfortable with themselves, that they allow you to be yourself too. They are not in a hurry to correct me if I am wrong. They see me as just another human being. I can even talk to them about God.

I also have friends who seem to be compassionate Christians, a good combination of the above two groups. Unfortunately, they are either too extrovert, too Chinese, or too something for me to want to be closer to them.

I have two best friends, who seem to have everything I want in a friend. But they are my daughters and as such, there are things I don't feel free to share as a mother. That generational boundary will always be there, and it is a necessary boundary. Not to keep them out, but to keep them safe. And that is the price all mothers pay. Or am I wrong? When does a mother's responsibility to protect end?

The best friend is Jesus. And I will learn His ways and always strive to be a good friend to those I love.

有晚上有早上

我喜歡晚上、也喜歡早上。

今天做工的人問我、妳一人住嗎？我說是啊、他說、“妳不怕嗎？“ 我說不怕。想了一想、我說 “我不怕、我什麼都不怕、連鬼也不怕。“ 他笑了。

晚上安靜的迷人。我坐在窗前、什麼也不做。吃飽、喝足、還不睏。好不容易太陽下山、溫度開始下降。開一點窗、晚風徐徐、只聽到冰箱低低的哼着、其他、什麼都聽不到。我好喜歡。沈默。寂靜。不動。我真有點捨不得、快到就寢時間、晚上快要走了。

我最近常在想、心中這種安寧的狀態、是假像？或是真的平安？好像老僧入定、任誰、何事、都不能搖動我心中的篤定。也許我會有情緒、會傷心、會興奮、但是心中的錨、好像拋在磐石上。這種穩妥的感覺、難道就是聖經中所應許的平安？是世界不能奪去的那種？

我也喜歡早上。一大早起來、全世界都在睡。等我遛完狗、澆完草、後花園逛一圈、看看花、剪剪枝、喝完咖啡、看完報、吃完早點、世界才醒來。感覺好像賺到一小時。今早有霧、但是連霧也起的比我晚！我已經在弄花了、霧才慢慢升起。我眼看它來、又眼看它去。不知還有沒有別人看到。晚上有曇花一現、早上有霧氣一現。上帝也挺公平、晚上、早上、都是大字然的舞台。

裝修廚房中、沒有水槽、沒有瓦斯。我們四人（二貓一狗加我）窩在我的臥室。吃喝全在這裡。我想我也可以過。臥室門一開、就是沒有地板的廚房。可以看到地基、空空洞洞。一不小心、還可能掉到坑裡。 Marble膽大包天、馬上跳到地基下層去週遊一圈。回來的時候、毛上沾的都是灰塵和蜘蛛網。它毫不以為意。Yoko 看看情況不妙、乖乖載有限的空間打轉、不吵不鬧、也不去冒險。最受罪的是Beau。一出門看到天雲變色、馬上倒回去。我把地上木條排排、把drywall 抓一塊來墊墊、他仍不肯走上去。一腳踏上去、覺得不穩、馬上回頭。老人家就是這樣、看看情況、估計一下自己能力、自忖過不了關、就做罷。我好不容易把地上用他熟悉的毯子鋪好、他這纔肯踏上。我想晚上早上我們要出去蹓躂、總得先把室內路徑選定才好。否則一大早迷迷糊糊、可別人狗一起掉到坑裡才好。

晚上是休生養息的時候。是修補的時候。是重新得力的時候。是感謝的時候。是往內吸收孕育生命的氣息的時候。在一呼一吸均勻的呼吸聲中、我已經想像今晚的好眠。

老而不僵

蠻可怕的題目！但是這是我想到今天早上跟幾位老友去hiking 時腦海裡浮現的一句話。好像沒有這句成語吧。

早上應邀去hiking。像個老人、昨晚就把鬧鐘定好、怕自己聽不到 （咦、老人好像不會睡這麼沈吧？）結果好久睡不著。這已經是一僵--稍有變動、就刹有介事似的。

還有就是我早上的規律要被打斷。本來起床遛狗煮咖啡看報吃早飯是一慣作業的、現在中間夾了個hiking 害我得重新arrange早上作業程序。結果是早起一小時、把這些事還是根據原來順序先做了、才出門。這是二僵。

Hiking完她們去McDonald's 吃早飯、我傻在那裡、因為我已經吃過了。不好掃她們的興、也跟著叫了咖啡和McMuffin夾蛋。心想、這是今天第二杯咖啡和第二個蛋、影養健康！這是第三僵。

平時都是弄完花園才去上班。今天沒時間、中午回來才澆花。感覺怪怪的。是否是第四僵？

貓狗看我摸黑出門、他們也覺得怪怪的。（我怎麼知道？因為她們看我的眼神告訴我。）

Hiking的朋友調侃我、說人老了就是會僵化、什麼事都一成不變、變化是很大的挑戰、勸我不藥未老先僵。我說我喜歡做宅女、一日不出門也無所謂。話也不說一句。也許路過行人納悶、這人一人在家做些什麼、毫無動靜。她們說我已不是宅女、而是孰女。我與當今台灣文化脫節、還問“熟女比較好嗎？“她們也很誠實、告訴我熟女是老女人的意思。年輕小妞才能算宅女。我已不夠格。大夥狂笑一場。

但是她們的話我牢記心中。人老了、若不提醒自己這個那個、不知不覺中就會變成怪怪的。我偷偷看看我這群退了休的朋友、我算是她們當中最年輕的、距退休也還早、但是她們神采奕奕、在我眼裡好像高中女孩一樣可愛、因為她們是成熟的高中女孩。有人生的睿智、但也不失青春的氣息、一點也不僵化。我們談聖經、談主日的心得、談旅遊計畫、必此鼓勵、彼此在尋開心中提醒彼此要做可愛的老人to be.

小思想大題目

今天、（其實也不只今天）又想了想怎樣的人生才算有意義。（好像每當我不忙的時候、就會想想這問題。可能是想說服自己不忙是okay 的。 Puritan work ethics還蠻根深蒂固在我的系統裡吧。）

多做點工、就可以多賺點錢。但是多做點工、就少點時間在花園裡摸摸搞搞。而且多做點工壓力一定成正比增加、高壓生活久了、我想像自己老得快不說、還會心煩氣躁、不討人喜歡、自己也不爽。我給自己的一個說詞是、如此給自己很多加油時間、心曠神怡、氣定神閒、才能把最好的聆聽耳朵、最敏銳的觀察、和同理心給我的病人。換句話說、我認為要做個好的心理治療師、必須常常清理心靈的殿堂、才能好好接待帶著許多包袱、希望進來歇息的疲憊的人生旅客。

這讓我想到多年前、為了在剖腹產之後能自然生產老二、找到Dr. Fox。他的病人都是高危險群、所以病人不多、這樣他才能給她們高品質的照顧。但是病人必須多付些錢。心理諮詢的費用很高、我自己的解釋是、因為高品質的聆聽是很費勁的、所以一個好的心理治療師一天不能看很多病人。少病人人數、就要用高診費來平衡。心理治療師也要過日子吧。

所以、我常想、一個有意義的生命、到底要用什麼來衡量？如果以工作的多寡來衡量、我今天就真沒意義、因為玩的時間比作工的時間多。我拒絕以年薪來衡量、因為不認為錢賺的多的人的生命就更有意義。如果工作量多寡、年薪、工作性質等、都不足以衡量生命的意義、還有什麼可以？

耶穌的救贖之恩是為每一個願意接受的人所預備的。贖我的價、和贖任何人的價、是一樣的。所以人的價值是一樣的、極寶貴無比、就算他什麼都不作。

我算算銀行裡的存款、評估自己的健康狀態和花錢的態度、習慣、知道自己可以賺錢供養自己、自忖將來應該有衣有食、有房有車、直到我見主面。生活中的東西、如買新衣、買花、吃館子、聽音樂會、做指甲、旅遊等、大大小小都要花錢、我知道我會量入為出、甚至應該感謝我有偶而奢侈的條件、但卻不喜歡必須活在限制裡。

這好像走鋼索。天天都要平衡。時刻都要平衡。雖然好似取得祕訣、不至摔下來、卻不喜歡不能掉以輕心的不自由。有次像友人抱怨、為甚麼每次花錢都要算計、真討厭活在有限的資源裡。他說、不是本該如此嗎？一句簡單的話、顯露出兩種不同的生活態度。我的個性不願被限制、討厭約束、不服現實、所以常自找苦吃。他接受現實的能力好似比我強許多、很多狀況也就不以為苦。我一方面喜歡自己天馬行空、無拘無束的個性、一方面也羨慕有人活在限制中而無不平、省卻許多和自己過意不去的心痛頭痛時間。

金錢時間、愛心體力、都是資源。錢多愛少、愛多錢不夠、時間少愛少、愛多體力少。。。哎呀、好像都不算完善的管理。

想想今天、工作可以。愛心也還有。時間蠻多。體力充沛。應該算okay的一天吧。

（有時我在想、到底有誰會給我打分數呢？？！還不就是我自己。）這種想法裡、還有對上帝的感恩。他不是一個掐着我的脖子要我表現給祂看的神。祂只對我說、“如果你願意學我的樣式、我會賜你所需資源。“ 到哪裡去找、這樣一位神。

Gardening and Sister Fun

Really fun to garden with Lei.

Gardening has drawn us even closer together. Whenever I go to mom's, I'd tour her garden with her. We take delight in looking at the different plants, which we can never name, and their vigorous summer colors. It is a double joy-- joy of the beauty of nature, and joy of being with my sister. I can't but praise the Lord for sisterhood. I love Lei.

I can't believe how excited I have been, looking forward to our weekend project of making some hanging basket together. Like a kid looking forward to a weekend outing to an amusement park, I dream about tomorrow. The fun of talking about what we want to do; the fun of going shopping in a local nursery, or two; the fun of actually doing it side by side in the shade of her patio; the fun of... of course, good food in the end to reward ourselves.

I don't remember how we started this hobby. First, she had her garden redone, and then I had mine. I guess from there, we talked more about our gardens and the interest grew. When I go visit, we would usually sit out to wait for the hummingbird family that lives there, after we are done with our garden tour. She name the "head of the household" hummingbird Joe and we can tell who Joe is and who his wife and child (we assumed it was a son, hence, little Joe) We usually don't need to wait for long before Joe would come back from his patrol of the neighborhood and parch himself on the nearby clothline and stand guard to fend off intruders. He would sometimes watch his wife and son feed on the feeder with pride, and joy. Lei and I would talk.

Temperature has been extremely high, in the triple digit these past few days. No matter what, we are gonna garden tomorrow! Yay!!

童心未泯的貓

Marble是隻同心未泯的貓。

其實牠也不老、才三歲吧。牠和Yoko非常不同。Yoko 一付老謀深算的樣子、not much can excite her. Marble, on the other hand, gets excited over the most simple thing. Like her own shadow.

The other night, I was sitting at my desk, as usual, and heard Marble 爪子抓地的聲音。我起先以為有什麼小蟲引起牠注意、不以為意。沒想到爪子抓地聲久久不停、而且沒有一定的節奏。我好期起身去看、以為自己眼力退化到不行、因為地上什麼也看不見。後來Marble 再抓的時候、正好被我看到、原來牠在抓自己的影子！！

Yoko聞聲而至、像我一樣、想知道Marble 在幹嘛。但牠聞了聞、看了看、啥也沒看見、就走開了。我想、Yoko、你錯過好戲！

Marble很有耐心、玩影子可以玩一個晚上。自得其樂。耳朵豎著、聚精會神看著地上。有時是牠自己的尾巴在動、有時是窗簾被風吹飄動、有時他自己的耳朵動、鬍鬚動、牠什麼都不錯過。有的時候還圍著影子剛剛消失的地方轉圈圈、拖在地上的尾巴掃啊掃的、好像不甘心剛看到的獵物竟然轉瞬就消失眼前。牠也很有耐心、臥在地上、專注眼前、風吹草動牠都不想放過。我倚在門柱、不動聲色觀察牠、心底一陣愛意。牠真可愛。

Marble是個會給自己找樂子的貓。家中什麼東西都可以成為她的玩具。玩累了倒頭就睡、無憂無慮。眼中充滿童真和好奇、炯炯有神、生氣盎然。晚上他喜歡坐在窗台看外面路過行人（狗）晚風吹來、她的鬍鬚和身上的毛微微顫動、是平安最好的註解。我想她為我除去許多壓力、要是我長命百歲、Marble一定有功。

Yoko相形之下憂憂愁愁。總是心事重重的樣子。看什麼都不帶勁兒。看着同伴Marble玩影子、臉上寫著“有什麼這麼好玩？我什麼都沒看到。“就走開了。最近她也學著想和Marble一樣親近人、養了她三年、終於她有點相信我不會傷害她、在我打電腦的時候會走過鍵盤、掃得我一臉一嘴一鼻子貓毛。這個新行徑讓我很納悶。咬東西的習慣好像也好點、讓我不得不把這兩件事連在一起：莫非和人親近讓她心理比較健康、不正常的行為自動減少？人、是不是也是這樣？當人際關係較理想的時候、我們心理比較健全、不正常的行為可能也就不藥而癒了？希望如此。

This Is The Day...

This is the day.... the Lord has made! I shall rejoice and be glad in it.

Life moves on. Feelings change. Some situations change; some don't. What was yesterday, is no more today. I give thanks for a new day. A new day the Lord has granted me so I can glorify his name.

A client of mine cried in session yesterday; first time since her abortion years ago. What was the lesson? She asked, sounding like she still believed in a good God, but no more than that. We make decisions to the best of our resources, including mental and physical strength at the time, and may struggle for years to come , trying to figure out if we have made the right decision. For God's children to believe in His goodness and to cast their hope in His character, instead of life's circumstances, I should say His name is glorified.

Today is the day. I don't know about tomorrow, and yesterday certainly is no more. He remains faithful, yesterday, today and forever. Blessed am I who find salvation in his name.

抓蟲、養天然酵母、綠色生與死

These are the things I do on a daily basis nowadays.

一天早上、發現在並沒有風的時候、有一朵花在微微顫動。我靈機一動、把花翻轉過來、果然不出所料！一隻叫不出名字的肉蟲在啃蝕我的花。從那天以後、我早上巡視花園、做了抓蟲專員。到目前為止、抓過三種不一樣的蟲、只有毛毛蟲叫得出名字。但是那不重要、重要的是我每天除害。今天早上竟然發現一隻毛毛蟲發展出和我的粉紅色petunia 一樣的保護色、還有一隻鮮綠的、好個紅花配綠葉！我毫無不忍之情、處死了它們。這盆花掛在porch屋頂上、不知它們如何爬上去的！有時翻轉過葉子和花、還會發現像無殼蝸牛般的小肉蟲、它們很靈光、第一次沒抓著的話、它們就捲成一團、掉到土裡、讓你很難再將她們拾起處理掉。我的辦法是、趕快跑到後院、找到剪刀、再跑回前院、用剪刀把她們。。。（你知道的）誰敢入侵我的花園、我就跟它拼了！

以上是死。以下是生。

養天然酵母是目睹生命跡象出現的過程。從麵粉和水、變成會冒泡泡的酵母。我每天又巡視、可是這次是室內活動。看看酵母寶寶活動情形、是否充滿生命力。一早一晚加水加麵粉、餵養它們。眼看氣泡出現、聞到酒香、心想下週可以用它們做酸麵包、是我多年的心願。以前做過多次、都失敗必須扔掉。這次多些知識、心情上輕鬆些、（因為網上老師提醒要做好心理準備會失敗、但只需丟掉重來）效果比過去好得多！記得以前、放在烤箱養它們、頻頻探視、好像看在保溫箱中的寶寶、那份緊張和期待、到現在仍記得。尤其是小心翼翼捧進捧出之後、仍然因為變成粉紅色（壞掉的跡象）而必須丟掉的時候、那份不甘與無力感！這次看樣子成功在即、心中忐忑不安。

最近越來越覺得丟掉廚餘非常不安心。早上丟掉咖啡渣滓也覺得很對不起地球。天然酵母到一定時間要丟掉一些再繼續養、看它和昨天切剩的包心菜一起躺在水槽、等待處理、每天早上一壺咖啡的渣滓也同樣的要處理掉、我想也許我該開始弄compost了。這一年我都沒有用紙巾、改用布餐巾、省錢、省得製造垃圾。沒有微波爐、日子照樣過。一步一步讓環境更加綠化、心中有種感恩。

這世界非我家

你不覺得這個世界是一個很奇怪的地方嗎？

人人都覺得自己在愛著某個人或某些人、可是大部份的人總有時候感受不到別人的愛。有時我們用“健康“的愛、“優質“的愛去愛人的時候、被愛的對象反而可能覺得你不關心、或你太冷漠、甚至有見死不救的嫌疑。

我覺得愛一個人、就是要給他空間做自己的決定。

“我該點什麼吃？“ “你自己決定。“

聽起來漠不關心？還是充滿對對方的尊重？

“你要不要我來看你？“ “你想來就來。“

聽起來是否你不要他來看你？還是你希望他能自主決定、來或不來、你都能接受、都能尊重？

畢竟、“要不要“是個人的決定、取捨是個人的。不是嗎？“該不該“的標準是卻是外在的、但即便如此、一個人不是應該可以決定他“要不要“臣服於“該不該“的外在標準？解放黑奴時期、外在的“該不該“說黑人不該與白人平起平坐、但是有些民權的領袖卻決定 “不要“ 認同這個標準和限制、導致黑奴的解放、是尊重天賦人權的覺醒和人類文化的進步。

難道只有少數有領袖眼光的人才有如此“進化“的觀點、能有足夠的自我力量（ego strength) 和道德勇氣、先是認知自己的觀點、然後申明自己的觀點、從而帶動社會的改變和文明的進步？

平常人與人的相處、難道不能有這樣的表達？

父母說我“該“唸醫、但是我知道我“不要““不想“唸醫、所以我寧可讓他們誤會我不孝、卻堅持自己為自己的生命做決定？

你說我如果愛你、就“該“如何如何、但是我知道我愛你的方式和你期待和習慣的方式不同、我是應該順著你習慣的方式愛你、以致對你沒有帶來益處、還是我應該用“健康“的愛愛你、雖然你感覺不到、甚至以為我不愛你、可是如果這種愛、終究使你堅強、使你成功、使你變得更“好“、我是否該堅持？

我們原來都不會愛。是上帝先愛了我們。祂的愛是怎樣的？祂的愛是有所為有所不為的、雖是無條件、以我的本相接納我、但是我要蒙福、確有一定的路線、是祂的路線、是清楚指示過我的路線、是不隨情緒改變的路線、是能說“不“的路線、不是“婦人之仁“的路線、是有時看似“殘忍“路線、是堅持的路線、是讓我變得更像祂、而不是變得更像天然的我。

人很奇怪、習慣了錯的愛、當被“正常“的愛愛的時候、反倒不習慣呢。健康的人在一大堆病人中間、反而會被視為不正常。

A Living Example of Emotional Eating

I was really excited about the permission from next door landlord to do as I wish to plant the area his gardener cleaned out a couple of days ago, which is a narrow strip of ear on his side of the property line, but visually an integral part of the front view of my house. So I headed to the nursery to pick my plants.

After I shopped to my heart's content, and found what I thought would look good for that part of "my" garden, I pulled the wagon to my car to unload. With no assistance from the nursery staff, I needed to stop the wagon from slipping downhill by one hand, and use my other hand to unload the pots to the trunk. I decided my clumsy big handbag needed to be put somewhere to free myself more as it kept sliding down from my shoulder as I bent and straightened myself initially. I put the big purse in the trunk. A funny, but alarming thought came to me, "Just don't lock it in the trunk!" And before I knew it, I was done unloading and shut the trunk!

There I was, feeling naked. No purse. No cell phone. Nada. I didn't even feel I had limbs. Totally stripped! Luckily, just the day before, I decided to put the sticker of roadside assistance where I was instrusted to by the car's user's manual. I read the phone number on the sticker, and repeated it to myself so I wouldn't forget, as I walked back to the nursery to borrow a phone. They were very nice to me and let me use the store phone to call for help. After several rounds of Q and A, I was told to wait by my car.

As I stood on the roadside, straining my neck so as not to miss the tow truck, I noticed my own fleeting thoughts. I thought about what my girlfriends would say about this, and my guy friends. I thought about the fact that i had not had any donuts for a long time now, because there was a big donut sign across from where I was standing. I thought about this and I thought about that. Then I became detached and observed myself thinking these thoughts and decided to "find out" how many different thoughts I could be thinking. But that was impossible because when you tell yourself to observe yourself, you are not you anymore. You become who you think you are and should be. So that was quite funny. I then thought about my Sunday school class tomorrow and trying to form a lesson plan. Might as well make the best use of the wait, which I was told to be up to 50 minutes. But lesson plan was quickly "interrupted" by other irrelevant thoughts. I read the plant labels on different plants on the sidewalk; I paid attention to the traffic flow and noticed some bad drivers, some angry, some indecisive, and some really self-centered. I saw some rich ladies driving shining Mercedez and wondered what their husbands did. It was interesting that the thought that they earned themselves the car never crossed my mind. I then wondered how come I was not one of them.

I also prayed. And wondered what an "appropriate" prayer would be like for moments like this. Should I be praying for the speedy arrival of my rescue? I didn't think that was mature. And I also had a hard time believing that God would mind such trivial business. I found this theology debate with myself interesting, and revealing, of what my beliefs are. But I didn't have time to finish the debate because then the truck came!


"Am I glad to see you!" I told him as I had rehearsed. (I thought he must hear that a lot but decided one could never be appreciated too much.)

Less than one minute after that, I was on my way home.

I decided since I didn't have a good lunch, because I was too cheap to buy and too lazy to cook, and now I was both hungry and dehydrated and emotionally drained, I needed food. Swung by Golden Deli and bought two orders!

Came home, had late lunch, finished one pint of Haagen Daaz ice cream and half a watermelon(small) Nonstop. Now I feel better.

The unexpected. The decision making. The stress of not knowing. The worries. The fear. The helplessness. The powerlessness. They deplete you of emotional and mental energy. To refuel, food is the most convenient. Simple and fast.

Luckily, my weight can allow such occasional impulsive, but satisfying indulgence. But I have learned to respect my physical needs. They are irrational, but powerful. If I ignore them, wrongfully believing that somehow I was not made of flesh and blood, or circumstances make other needs more dire and these physical needs to eat and drink are left unattended, over time, they become so powerful and demanding and it will be very hard, if impossible, to not succumb to them.

強迫的愛

如果你看到她抱著她的貓的樣子、你絕對不會懷疑她很愛她的貓。當初也是她要收留這貓的。她為牠買了粉紅色的脖圈、給牠挑選不同口味的貓食。從學校回來她也會急著找牠。

但是她的愛裡也有強迫。你看到的時候你也不會懷疑她在虐待她的貓。只是如果你叫她不要如此虐待貓、她絕不會同意。對她來說、愛你包括強迫你、因為她從小也是被強迫的愛愛大的。她並不知道、高貴的愛、有品質的愛、是要讓愛的對象自願回應。強迫的愛、是為自己的益處、完全不考慮、不同意、也不會尊重被愛的對象的意願。 她認為、我愛你就是要把我認為是好的東西塞給你、如果你愛我、你怎麼可能和我不同？愛、就是要在一起。身體要在一起。想法要在一起。好惡也一樣。計畫要一樣。夢想要一樣。方法要一樣。連死亡都不能把我們分開。愛、對她來說、就是我們倆一模一樣。如果你膽敢和我不同、我會很傷心、因為那表示你不愛我。

所以她給貓咪塗指甲油、貓咪縮回“手“表示不喜歡、她一定會拉著貓咪手、同時告訴牠、你不順著我的意思、你就是“不乖。“好像她小的時候、如果不願意接受父母的愛意、也許不想穿母親叫她穿的某種顏色的裙子、或者拒絕吃父親要她吃的某樣水果、他們就告訴她那是她不乖。

所以她給貓咪洗澡。貓咪恨水、拼命要逃。她當然不會放過牠、結果貓咪抓傷她、她罵貓咪壞貓、又是不乖。她急著想把自己的愛、用自己的方法送給貓咪、貓咪臉上的害怕、聲音中的抗議、她當然是看不到的。她一心一意認為、貓咪在掉毛、愛貓的主人應該做點什麼來照顧貓咪、很自然想到為貓咪洗個澡。洗完澡、他自己感覺盡到責任、心事也了了。卻沒有注意到、受了驚嚇的貓咪、正躲在椅子底下、慢慢修復備受創傷的心靈。對人類的信任、被洗澡水也洗掉了一些。

所以她抱著貓咪的時候緊緊摟著。貓咪想走的時候、當然也是被冠上不乖的罵名。不但如此、她絕不會輕易放掉貓咪、一陣拉扯之後、貓咪才能逃脫。她當然不能明白、貓咪為甚麼拒絕她的愛。她不能了解、別人（貓）不一定總是愛她所愛。

我擔心、將來她的丈夫、或男友、如何掙脫她愛的魔掌？而她呢？會不會在男友受不了而離開的時候、還萬分傷心、困惑、不明白為甚麼她愛的人要離開她？我也擔心、如果男友要離開、卻掙脫不掉的時候、是否也會像貓咪一樣抓傷她？甚至打她？我看到將來的她、要不總是很傷心、要不總是很生氣。而且她會認為、她的不悅、都是別人“不乖“引起的。

聖經說、愛是不求自己的益處。不能只因為自己爽、就照著自己的意思去愛。還覺得自己是個很會愛人、又願意為別人操勞的人。真正的愛、需要學習放下自己的益處、以愛的對象的益處為優先考慮。真正的愛、了解別人和我不同、她們不是總和我一樣、而我需要尊重這個不同、允許這個不同。如果因為對方表達出不同、就失去愛的確據和感覺、甚至生氣對方的不同、那麼當對方受不了的時候、她就會離開。

我愛你、這個水果對你好、你要吃。非吃不可。這是強迫的愛。這不是愛。這是把自己的意思、強加在別人身上。這是只有我、沒有你的瘋狂虐待。我愛你、我覺得冷、所以你一定也覺得冷、所以你要穿上我為你帶來的夾克。你若拒絕、你就是不愛我。否則你怎會在我冷的時候不覺得冷呢？你不乖、你也很奇怪、所以我更要把你變成跟我一樣、所以你非得穿上夾克不可。這不叫愛。這是以自我為中心、以自己的標準來衡量別人。凡不合我標準的都是錯。這不是愛、這是自大與驕傲。

真正的愛是、我愛你、這個水果很好吃、希望你也吃一口。但是如果你不要、你可以不要。就這麼簡單。因為你和我不同。這和愛沒有關係。

有時去茶樓飲茶。好心的服務員會介紹你嚐試她推車中的茶點。如果你不要、有的服務員會變了臉色。也許她在想、我這麼熱心推薦給你的茶點、肯定是好的、你竟然不要。這樣的服務員、心理上沒有疆界。她就是她推車中的茶點;拒絕茶點就等於拒絕她。所以臉色怎麼會好。也有其他服務員、同樣熱心、但是你說不要的時後、她能愉悅的走開、不會給你臉色。這樣的服務員知道、你只是拒絕車中的食物、並不是不喜歡她。

強迫的愛好可怕。強迫的愛讓人窒息、讓人想逃離。強迫的愛使愛的對象變成怪物。本來好貓變成會抓人的貓。本來讓人親近的貓變成見人就逃的貓。人不是貓。但是人被強迫的時候、絕不會變成更親愛、也許本來的一點愛、強迫之後就蕩然無存了。留下強迫的愛的主人、傷心又困惑、等著下一個愛的對象出現。

天下太平

送走了女兒們和女婿、家中恢復清靜、剩下貓狗和我、和新來的一對小鳥。我們都不太出聲、比風鈴還諫默。

女兒找到好工作、我替她高興、也十分以她為榮。但是她要離我遠去; 遠到很東邊的地方去。這一去、不知道要到什麼時候。她說已經買好感恩節的飛機票、要回來過節。但是那和住在身邊不同。

我曾經在她出生的時候、告訴自己、十八年之後我的任務完成、就可以享受自己的生活。也告訴自己、她十八歲的時候、我可以為自己做些對自己有益處的決定、不致於被孩子牽絆。她昨天過了二十二歲生日、今天帶著行李開始獨立的日子。她說不習慣自己新的身分和新的自由。從此不用伸手向父母要錢、可以存款用在自己喜歡的事上。她說不惜慣自己有自己的公寓、自己的廚房、可以按自己的喜好來佈置和添置。她雀躍的說存到錢要帶媽媽去旅遊。我也挺不習慣。還記得她小時後牽著她的小手去上學前班、更記得她出生時第一次躺在我身邊的感覺。昨晚矇矇睡意中碰到她的手肘、有大人的身量、沒想到二十二年就如此過去了。

她們都走了。我的屋子恢復以往的平靜。我感謝上帝、我們都平安的完成了人生中重要的旅程碑、各自上路。但是作為人母、沒想到放手的感覺除了期待中的輕鬆以外、還加上了淡淡的哀傷。

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

Don't cry over spilled milk, hm...

So if the milk is spilled, how am I supposed to feel? I know I should clean up after it, but how else would I feel other than... sad? Maybe? Am I allowed that feeling? And if I feel very sad, can I cry?

Let's say someone betrays you. Okay, so you decide you won't be friends with them any more. But how would you feel?

So you have experienced injustice. Is feeling angry okay? So angry that you need to let the flame out of your mouth and you talk about the injustice incessantly for a few days, with a few friends. They tell you, "so just get over it..." But what does "get over it" mean? Not feeling bad feelings? Not feeling at all? Because when there is injustice, we just don't feel any positive feelings.

If and when I look at the divorce paper and the "settlement agreement" and feel misunderstood and sad, will you tell me, "What's done is done. No use feeling sad for what's done." Am I supposed to just forget about it and feel nothing? How does one only feel good feelings and when it comes to the ugly side of life, one simply feels numb? Nothing. Is human heart such that we can tell it to go into non-operation mode when it's time for sadness and anger and hurt and disappointment and all those other negative, but nonetheless powerful feelings? Can we choose to only feel happiness and not sorrow?

Crying is no use, people say. Crying doesn't solve problems. Crying can't bring the dead back. Crying can't make bad things go away. Crying can't save your marriage. Crying can't do a lot of things. Crying makes one feel weak; no one wants to feel weak so we tell ourselves we shouldn't cry. But we shed tears because we feel too sad on the inside. Big drops of sadness well up in our heart and it overflows into our eyes and tears come out. How do you stop the internal container of sadness from overflowing when something very sad happens in life? Like when someone dies. Like when someone leaves. Like when you love someone but can't be with them.

Crying can't solve any problem. But crying is what humans do. A real person cries. And laughs. If someone only laughs, he is only half alive.

When i feel sad, I am going to cry. As simple as that.

人為寵物的犧牲

二貓一狗陪伴我、但是也牽絆我。

早上不得多睡。總是差不多的時間、狗就來床邊走來走去、意思是叫我起來帶牠出去走走。怎麼說都聽不懂、非得起來。一旦起來、牠知道我每一個舉動的順序。與我同步。同一路線、同樣的點做同樣的事。通常遇到同樣的狗和同樣的人。這、帶給我安全感。

要出門就麻煩了。牠頭兩天總不吃東西。我人在外、心懸家裡。怕牠以為我不要牠。怕照顧她的人不懂牠的話、怕牠的需要被忽略。又怕麻煩別人、寫“照顧狗說明書“又寫不清楚、纔知道那些寫使用者手冊的人有多偉大。也不曉得旅行時的心慌、是真的因為擔心狗、還是自己心裡不踏實的反射。一再告訴自己、在也不養了。只是不知道那一天真的到來的時候、是否仍能堅持？

看電視時牠有一定的位子、我也得讓牠。今天給牠買了個新的墊子、牠不喜歡、繞著墊子走、怎麼也不肯上去睡睡看。我只好又拿回店裡退。挑來挑去、選了一個感覺牠會喜歡的、回家來帶著看榜的心情、看牠反應。好在牠聞了聞、看了看、決定接受、我這才敢把標籤剪掉。

牠寧可渴死也不從碗裡喝水。要喝水時站在浴室門前回頭看我、意思是要我給牠開開水龍頭、牠要站在浴缸前喝水龍頭流下的水。我聽到水聲嘩嘩、心疼水費、想到加州常年鬧水荒、很生氣牠、常叫牠快點喝。牠喝一喝還要喘口氣、聽到我叫牠再喝、牠還真的再喝兩口。最近訓練牠非得從水碗中喝水不可。假裝沒看到牠站在浴室前。前幾天牠渴到不行、猛喘氣、我硬起心腸相應不理。這兩天好像牠妥協了、偶而聽到牠喝水的聲音。希望這次訓練成功、對大家都好。

貓咪晚上睡在我兩側、翻身也翻不動、拉被子也拉不動。有時手腳擺得不對、也無法調整。睡起來腰酸背痛、自問所為何來、自找苦吃。可是看到牠們那可愛的樣子、竟也覺得值得。也許有人覺得不可思議、但是我是一個願打、一個願挨、沒得辦。

Marble有時愛跳到我脖子上圍著我好像條圍巾。我走來走去還得半彎著腰省得牠掉下來。一面吃早飯、看報紙、有時還得一面把掃到臉上的貓尾巴拂開、才吃得到看得到。看電視的時候、牠坐在我腿上、我看完要看的、牠也不知道起來、睡得香甜、我不忍吵醒牠、只得繼續坐到腿發麻。

出門的時候、一身都是貓毛。久而久之、也就不以為意了。

Yoko愛咬東西。衣服襪子鞋帶一不收好就會被牠咬個洞。心想若是孩子有不良行為、也不應該把孩子送走、所以一直留著牠。現在四歲了、壞習慣仍不見改善。獸醫說牠太小離開媽媽、口腔期的慾望沒有滿足、可能是愛咬東西的原因。我益發覺得牠可憐。告訴自己隨手收好衣物也是好習慣、所以一回家所有的換下的衣物都立馬掛好。有一次球鞋忘了收高、第二天穿的時候才發現鞋帶被咬斷。每天得疊床、把床罩塞好、否則枕頭床單都被咬洞。無法享受漂亮的床罩和裝飾的枕頭。無法像雜誌上把漂亮的浴巾疊好放在水池邊或洗臉台下。有幾次牠咬壞我心愛的衣服、我氣得直想揍牠、但記得養貓雜誌上都說打牠並不能教牠改、一輩子也從沒有打過人、實在不知如何、也不想打牠。忍一下、氣也就過了。

牠其實蠻可愛、特別照顧狗。幫忙牠清潔耳朵和臉。看牠一個人臥在電子上、會走過去睡在牠身旁。狗也會領情的舔舔牠。

晚上牠們都有自己的地方。到了睡覺時候、各就各位。我若不睡、牠們還覺得奇怪、會來提醒我睡覺時間到了。

狗老了、看不清楚聽不見、大半時間在睡大頭覺。看門的工作就由貓咪來做。只要看貓咪的表情、就知道是門鈴快要想。前次地震、半夜裡貓咪先跳下床、我被吵醒、轉瞬間地就開始震動。狗還呼呼大睡呢。

我們四個、作息差不多。唯一的不同、大概是我上班、牠們睡覺。早上鬧鐘響之前的五秒鐘我們都先醒了、狗走來、貓咪跳下床要吃早飯。晚上我關上燈、大家一起睡。日復一日、年復一年。安全感？規律？死板？枷鎖？家？習慣？我只知道、暫時改不了。

我在想、人為寵物如此犧牲、好像有點過分。但是想到這世界上肯定還有許多像我這樣、也許有過之而無不及的愛動物人士、也就接受自己了。

Goodbye, Mazda6

Returned Mazda6 today.

As I was waiting outside the dealership office for the ride back home, I looked at it one last time. A lone car under the afternoon sun, in the customer parking lot. I said goodbye to it, and felt very sad. That's when I realized this car had been "mine" and mine only, for the past two years. I didn't know saying goodbye to something you own can feel this way, because I didn't think I had owned anything by myself prior to the divorce. The Mazda was the first and the only thing that I decided to own(lease) and then say goodbye to.

Everything else, the previous cars, the house and whatnot, had been owned by me but for some reason, didn't feel like mine and therefore when I needed to part with them, it was easy. No sad feelings. I think because I didn't make the decision to acquire them in the first place, I never felt they were mine.

But Mazda was different. I made the sole decision to lease it, and I was the only one driving it and taking care of it. I made sure it was clean on the inside and I made sure it smelled certain ways and I decided on what kind of liquid to use when I washed it. I felt 100% ownership. I was fully responsible for it. It was MINE.

When I look back at my life, I see images, caught in time, like pictures in the album of my memory. Today, Mazda in empty parking lot was added to that album.

Modern Eden

"So he said,'I hard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.'" -- Gen: 3:10.

God said, "Where are you?" Adam said, "...because..." He didn't answer God's question; he was rationalizing his behavior. He comes out from his hiding, facing God, knowing all too well what has happened, and must be feeling too guilty (to God) and shameful (feeling he must have toward his own "nakedness") to say, "Here I am, my Lord." I suspect we need to have a clean conscience to stand before God and just answer him. If we feel the need to explain ourself, it must at least involve guilt and shame. I think we do this when we interact with people, too. When we feel we can't just give an easy and straight forward answer to a simple question, there must be something going on internally that we are unaware of. "Where are you?" and "Why are you hiding?" are different questions, and when Adam heard the "where" question, what he really heard was "Why are you hiding?" Don't we do that oftentimes too?

"What time is the concert?" "I am almost ready!!"

"Is that a new dress?" "I did NOT use your money."

"Has our son eaten yet?" "Why do you think it's my duty to feed him?? You can do that too!!"

"Have you cleaned your room yet?" "Do you not know I have millions of other important things to do?"

And our answers help blind our understanding of ourselves. Out of touch with our own feelings.

God is a good therapist. "Who told you...?" oftentimes, we are the ones who tell us all sorts of things about ourselves. Some incorrect. I believe God wants to help us see when we have disobeyed him, but what we see is our imperfection and how bad we feel about ourselves (naked-- all exposed...) and that we should hide even from... God, instead of coming to Him and confess and seek redemption.

What a interesting dialogue. By calling it interesting, by no way am I discounting, diluting, minimizing the grave nature of Adam's sin, and certainly not being amused by this tragic event. I find it interesting because in a way, they understood each other very well. Or I should say, God sees Adam and his motivation so very well and how He was trying to help Adam come to Him so He can remedy his wrongdoing. And I see how Adam knew where God was going with His questions, but decided to get busy with defending himself. God wasted no time when he saw this, and confronted Adam with the real question; "Have you eaten...?" It was like saying to Adam, "I know you have eaten..." not a question really, and Adam blames Eve. So typical of humans. Instead of admitting and repenting for our own behaviors, we look for someone to blame.

Alas, what happened so long ago in the Garden, I see its rerun everyday in my counseling office, and even in myself. Have mercy on us, Lord...

Things That Make Me Happy (8)

Tie a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree...

But no, I am not talking about yellow ribbons but yellow roses for Mother's Day!

I came home yesterday, and saw yellow shadow on my porch. Upon driving up and getting a better look, I realized they were flowers in a vase. Turned out it was from my dear daughters! I read the message over and over again and could not believe after the pizza stone they ordered me for my birthday, they got me gift for Mother's Day too! Getting two gifts in less than two weeks for birthday AND Mother's Day feels really nice! And they remembered I loved yellow roses!

That made me VERY happy!

Kabocha Bread

昨天是很忙的一天。買了車、又回來處理一些頭痛問題。曾一度覺得life is falling apart. 不曉得是天氣熱的緣故、或者是超壓的結果、也許兩者都有。臉上發熱、胸口發緊、頭發脹。買車的歡喜都不見了。沒感覺。像我的許多clients、問他們對一些事的感受、很多時候他們都告訴我、沒感覺。我想在超壓的情況下、我們的生理狀態和優先考慮、是生存、而不是體會感受。

我卻選擇在昨天做這個南瓜麵包。一面做、一面質疑自己決定。第一次嚐試用攪拌機做麵包、也不是麵包機、像食譜主人的建議、也不是我自己的老法子--用手揉、而時折衷的用攪拌機中的和麵功能來作。食譜建議的做法過程又複雜、材料也講究。是費時費工的麵包食譜。我一面想、只有瘋子才在這麼煩又累的一天裡、來作一個又麻煩又沒做過的麵包。但是、想做的念頭既然已經有種子、又萌了牙、不讓它長成成品好像也不行、就這樣、一直做到晚上。恰巧晚上看我的"24"電視影集、又是緊張到不行。中間廣告時間還去check烤箱溫度、放麵包進去、在等廣告時間、再去檢查。但是、等麵包出爐的那一刹那、所有的緊張、壓力、辛苦、都一掃而空。臨睡前、還忍不住切了一片來嚐。鑽進被窩、看看小說、聽著風鈴的聲音、看不到兩頁、已經被瞌睡蟲爬滿眼睛。Life is falling apart的感覺不復存在。我竟然可以說、“Life is good!"

Baking 的魅力如此。

Where to Find A Good Friend?

I wish when I tell you something that bugs me, you could listen and listen well.

That means you don't judge me. Please don't say things like, "How could you have done that?" or worse, "How dumb!" "You are crazy!" and worst of all, "I told you."

I know you know more than I do. I know you want the best for me. (From your point of view, though.) I know you hate to see me hurt. I know you want to save me from headaches and heartaches. I know you want me to be tough so you don't have to feel sorry for me. I know you think you are doing the right thing as a good friend. What you don't know is, you are not living my life, and you can not be responsible for the consequences that I will have to face.

I know when you hear me talk about stuff that bugs me, you will have all sorts of thoughts and feelings. But this moment is not about you. This moment is also not about proving yourself to be the right one. This moment is not about what YOU want to say, to hear, to do, or to want to see happen. It's about me wanting to tell someone something. That simple.

You maybe wiser, and you may be logically right. Or you simply are right. But that does not change the fact you are not the owner of the problem. And you have no right to make other people's decisions for them.

I am not saying you can't say what is "right." But then, what is "right?" I can sense it when you just want to push your own agenda and impose yourself on me. If you want to prove to me I am wrong and you are right, you will probably win the debate, but in the end, proving yourself right can cost you our friendship. Would you still want that? I can say to you, "yes, you are right, after all. And I am wrong. " in the end, but I may also decide never to tell you things about me any more.

To listen well is a process of denying the self. In order to listen to well, we need to suspend all our thoughts, withhold judgements, and govern our emotions so we don't project them onto our venting friend. We need to give the person total respect, and trust that they have all the resources within themselves to decide for themselves. Even if they don't, but as long as they think they do, we should refrain from jumping the gun and encourage the person and empower him/her to solve her own problems. Even if your friend begs for your advices, we need to be careful in giving out advices regarding someone else's life. You will know if they truly want your input and if you don't know, you are not a good friend in the first place. All the more reason for you to say nothing and just listen. See how much you can learn about your friend by listening and listening to understand, not listening to find where the pause is so you can take over and show off how well you know about your friend's predicament, and how rich your resources are and use that time to feel good about yourself and feel important and useful.

Too often, we think we know. Too often when we tell a friend in suffering the should's and shouln't's in their lives, we feel morally superior. Too often, we think we are God and can judge. Knowing right from wrong is not the same as judging. I need a friend who understands the difference.

Speaking the truth in love. We are to speak the truth as God's children. Sometimes we pay a price for speaking the truth. But when it comes to your friend's maladies, understanding, respect, mercy, hope and readiness to lay down your life for your friend, lay the pathway for truth to come forth.

No wonder I find no friend anywhere like that. I only find such friend in Jesus. And there is only one Jesus. How can I not love Him and need Him?

Things That Make Me Happy (7)

I have two of them now.

Those tiny dainty girly shimmering whining ones are not my type. I love baritone wind chimes. French horn kind of sound they make. The four of us, Marble, Yoko, Beau and me, spend most evenings at my desk(Beau at my foot, of couse; too big for desk, duh...), with the laptop either on or off, with a cup of some, usually sweetened, (alas!) drink, (these days it's honey lemon tea my friend Nicole gave me,) and we listen to the wind chimes. Its sound takes us (me, I don't know about them.) to a faraway place and I just praise the Lord for peaceful time like this.

A few days ago, we had rain. And it was breezy too. So it was pitter-patter plus dong dong dong. I was in heaven. :-) If I can feel this elated, imagine how my heart would burst with joy when I get to the real heaven! And it won't be just one night, but for eternity. Beyond all measures... incomprehensible...

Jim Sjveda on KUSC last night was playing Mozart's piano concerto No. 21, in C major, for the May pledge drive. He said when listening to great music like this, it is really hard to think that we are only what the Darwinians say we are. Not a Christian himself, he said something like, "are you telling me this is all there is? (referring to how the evolutionists say we are as a specie.) There's got to be more than this..."

Halellujah! I know this is not it. There is more-- in Christ!

Things That Make Me Happy (6)

Like my attitude with a lot of other things in life, I have been thinking, researching, contemplating, considering, planning and finally, making this no-knead bread. And it was a success! It made me really happy.

I made it once before, but that time I wasn't really prepared to make it well. Sort of just read the recipe through, and okay, I can do this and let me do it... now. What was missing last time I had this time, and I think that made the difference. It was the element of -- time.

It took 24 hours this time, as compared to, maybe just half a day last time. I rushed into it last time, but I was fully prepared this time. Viola! The wait paid off.

The recipe says you don't need to knead it, but you need to give it time to rise and let Time do the work.

Like a lot of other things in life, instant anything usually only gives temporary satisfaction. And of less value. Instant oatmeal is less nutritious. Instant coffee leaves a bad after taste. Love at first sight rarely lasts. Quick money is gone quickly too. Crash diet doesn't change lifestyle and the pounds creep back faster than you could imagine. Intimacy with God doesn't happen overnight. Parent-child relationship takes time to deepen.

I was willing to devote 24 hours of my time to have this bread, the wait actually felt good because I was hopeful.

Anticipating Jesus' return, am I not also hopeful and do I not also find the wait worthwhile?

Feeling Rich in the Face of Mortality

Birthday is coming up. Had a good scare the other day, thinking about the years in the past and how many more in the future? Every day is a day closer to the end. There is no way around it. No escape. I get this kind of scare once in a while. I think it's a good thing because being reminded of my mortality humbles me.

And then this morning over breakfast, (it seems good thoughts come to me during breakfast time often, while sad thoughts and self-pity frequent me more at night.) I felt my heart swell with the feeling of being "rich." To me, that means there are so many good things awaiting in the immediate future.

Good books I want to read, for one thing. On my list is a re-read of C.S. Lewis' "Surprised by Joy," and a new novel "Matterhorn...(something subtitle) about the Vietnam war. I felt like a ballon, full of hidrogen, and about to fly away at the thought of reading these books, that I had to tell myself to finish breakfast first before I jumped up and turned on my laptop to order these books. This much self-control I had learned. It wasn't always like this before.

A quiet night by myself, for another thing. My house is a place of respite for me. With my dog and cats, garden and angel, and Le Creuset/All-Clad/Viking range in the kitchen, the bedspread, the candle, all smelling right, and the wind chimes outside my desk window, and KUSC and its lovely D.J's... It was still early in the morning, but the thought of coming home in the evening, excited me.

Learning how to be a better gardener, for yet another thing, and the vast knowledge of gardening available online, makes me look for a time in the week when I can sit down and browse. And I feel rich knowing it's there. The excitement is there. The possibility is there.

And those recipes! I have so many that I want to try. I will never be bored! That makes me feel rich. Strange... I have dug out Deborah Madison's vegetarian cookbooks and started thinking about eating less meat. That's another possibility.

So scared of dying, yet so excited about living. Counting my days on earth, I don't feel I am having less of anything as days go by, but I am having more with each new day. What would you call this, if not blessing?

Things That Make Me Happy (5)

My angel came yesterday!

I have been wanting to get a bird bath for my back garden and been looking here and there, including, of course, online at Amazon.com. Originally, the idea was just to have running water in the backyard. Since the backyard does not have outdoor power outlet, my options were limited to solar powered ones. But then I worried about the solar panel not working properly and the water would just sit there. After much searching and thinking over, one day I ran into this (online) angel.

She holds a water bowl and it lights up at night (solar powered after all... ) and gives her upper body a faint glow of blue.

It cost me $160+ including S/H!!

That's me, though. And my visual instinct. (I suspect i am most like my dad in this, and I am proud to be his daughter. When I think of him even now, I am always filled with fond memories.)

Some people may say, "oh... it's only 23" tall??" but I'd say, "but I love it!"

I looked at it again this morning, and I was really happy I bought it! It's not tall, but my garden is not big either. The water bowl is small, but what do you expect, the angel herself is only 23" tall!

Now all I need is for the neighborhood birds to find it!

Things That Make Me Happy (4)

早上遛完狗到院子愰一圈。愰著愰著就開始澆花。心裡想、完了。本來是要去運動的、花一澆下去、“強迫症“就會被引發、不澆完不會停、澆完就太晚、就不會去運動了。我身體裡這根神經自己很清楚、每當它被觸及的時候我也知道、引子一旦點燃、就順著引線一直燒、不燒到頭不能停。真奇怪。I am so aware of this internal activity, and I don't like it, but for the most part, I let it take charge of me. Awareness doesn't necessarily bring about change. Something more powerful is at work here. 追根究底、I think it's because I don't value going to the gym more than I value the time I spend, watering my flowers. Well, that's understandable though. The gym means hard work, sweat and 麻煩(maybe i am really really lazy because the only 麻煩is parking/locking the car and walking up to the gym. what 麻煩 is there??) but watering the flowers means pleasure... and pleasure and... pleasure.

My day doesn't start until I am done showering, and this morning, like all mornings, I decided to take care of 煩人的事first before I shower. That took a whole morning. Lunch was supposed to be at noon. I am very regular and pride myself with it. Besides, 肚子就是在十二點的時候會餓、it's not that I have to have lunch at noon. (Sounds like I was debating with someone.) 煩人的事took so much of my time!

As I sat down to have lunch, i was surprised by the butter I deliberately left on the table the day before (but forgot) and now was at room temperature. Butter knife cut through it with no resistance at all! I LOVE room temperature butter! I was too cheap and for more than once at Sur La Table, wanted to but didn't buy this little butter thingie that claims to keep butter soft. I thought of it again today. Maybe I will just buy it next time. If you value something, but don't spend time, or money on it, you are lying. I believe in that. Or I thought I did.

Room temperature butter!

Learning to Have A Voice

The funny thing was: as soon as I typed out the title for today's entry, I thought I heard reprimands from my Christian brothers and sisters. And it went like this: "why do you even want a voice?" "Deny yourself and bear your cross!" "why is it so important to have your voice?" So it was like the first response I thought I was going to get, if I ever shared this with anyone, was judgement, instead of understanding. Isn't that... weird?

I have been reading 鱷魚的黃眼睛。女主角很像我。離婚之前和之後、都只會在別人給她的文件上簽字。

以前、我簽字因為我信任。而且無法跟上同伴的腳步、也不適應他處理事情的方式。與其糾纏、我選擇照簽、因為我只有如此多的時間和精力、覺得授權給人全權處理是對的態度。何況男主外女主內的觀念、根深蒂固在我心裡、我也認同這樣的合作關係、so much so that if my daughters decide to live by this value, I would encourage them. I thought that was very Biblical. I still do. 在二十一世紀講這個、我是politically incorrect的不得了、也許有人會認為我太落伍、或什麼的、但是我就是這樣。由於這個指導原則瀰漫在我生活中、I lived by it. At the time, it was very "me" to do that.

以後、我簽字因為我想維持好關係。也實在不願意花精神在我一向不看重、但是卻很重要的、錢、的事上。again, it is very "me."

我有時一不小心、就會落入kicking myself的misery裡面。責怪自己、恨自己不為自己說什麼、即使有時心中不平、或有疑惑、或實在不贊同。落井下石自己、“活該“ 但那是一種很不好的感受。我不認為愛我的神想看到我如此。

所以我告訴自己、我的用意是好的。我一向看重與人和睦相處、也是自小的庭訓、也是要被稱為“乖“所必須附上的代價。我最乖、家人常說。小時候糊裡糊塗、聽到如此誇奬、得意和心中委曲常共存。明明覺得委曲、因為有不公平的地方、想哭、卻因忍氣吞聲、贏得“乖“的讚美。既然哭會惹來責罵、不如乖乖、讓大人喜歡。長此以往、忘記自己是誰、卻很會扮演被指定“乖“的角色。乖乖長大、她的延伸就是乖乖的妻子。只為簽字的妻子。只會同意、因為不知道如何不同意、仍能保持家中和樂的氣氛。總以為這兩者中只能選其一。多笨哪。

將近一百萬的房子都簽了字要賣、才想起沒有見過地產經紀人。所有有關房子的決定、竟都是透過別人轉述。我想沒有人能原諒我的無知。我卻原諒了自己、告訴自己、從來沒有鍛鍊過的肌肉一定是軟弱的。從來沒有發出聲音的人、會驚訝於自己可以發聲。趕快要來經紀人電話、打電話去自我介紹、並要求直接聯繫、不透過第三者。放下電話、覺得自己好像又長大了一點。和變老的感覺不同。是羽翼豐滿的感覺。是強壯的感覺。是聰明的感覺。都是好的感覺。

印象中的自己、好像都是十二歲。剪著短髮、留著瀏海。都是媽媽的想法。眼神中流露的是對周遭事物剛萌芽的理解、或不理解。困惑吧。善良、卻被人欺負的莫名奇妙也在我眼裡可以看到。而且無人保護。所以也有哀傷。那時後已經愛想、進入青春期、懵懂中開始好奇做個女人是怎麼回事。大概也要乖吧。乖的人是很好處理的、you know, because she doesn't have a voice.

耶穌很奇怪。有聲音、卻又沒有聲音。我想學。

像小孩子的樣式

(Chinglish blog is a blog still...)

前天去參加一個一天的conference to hear Marsha Linehan talk about "Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and training skills" at UCLA. In a room of about 350 mental health professionals, I counted only a handful of Asian looking people, all women. I ran into a few of them in the lady's room and realized they were all American born, judging by their accent free English. I wonder if that's why no one talked to me, or maybe it's because I wore the face that said "I don't want to talk," and that was really how I felt -- I was there to take in, and I didn't want to talk. Someone at my table tried talking to me by asking me about my agency. After hearing the words "Christian counseling," they politely said, "Cool..." and the conversation stopped. I had a feeling if I had said I was a Zen counselor, they would have been more interested. And we just finished hearing Dr. Linehan talk about "acceptance." Sigh...

Dr. Linehan had us do an exercise on "observe" as part of practicing to be "mindful." She said we could choose anything we had and just look at the thing and pay attention and notice everything about it. Take an interest in it. Observe it. Just take in information and be curious. I thought about what Jesus said about, "要像小孩子的樣式“和進天國。我手上拿的是一支原子筆。端詳了半天。你會想、一支筆友什麼好看。老師還說、拿起來聞聞也可以。我忽然想到、小孩子就是這樣。看看、聞聞、甚至還咬咬。一隻筆可以玩上半天。看了又看。覺得挺新鮮。從來沒見過。不但好奇、還很開心。C.S. Lewis也說、謙卑的人就是對別人有好奇心的人。難怪耶穌說進天國的人都是如此。當我們見多了、我們就不再覺得新鮮、驕傲就慢慢的爬到我們心裡：這有什麼了不起、我看多了。甚至屬神的事情、我們都以為自己懂得了、說“還不就是這麼回事。“ 於是我們不再興奮、不再帶勁、不再想知道。

我端詳著這支筆、想到耶穌的話。

宜箴打電話來。“媽媽、 I just have to call you. I saw this... puppy, 用力地跑去追主人丟的球。so cute..." 一件簡單的事、狗追球、帶給狗、狗主人、宜箴和我、極大的歡愉。

我想、當我們像像孩子一樣為一件單純的事開心、又“用力地跑“ 的時候、我們的主該是開心的看著我們取悅祂。而其他的基督徒、就好比旁觀的宜箴和旁聽的我吧、也會感到無比的joyful 吧。這個用力跑的歡愉、不光是來自於討好主人、而更是在於對這個用力跑的狗狗、追球這件事本身就是充滿刺激、幾乎是本能裡必須要做的事。我希望能像這隻小狗追球一樣、追求神國度的事。

我想做個為耶穌追球的小狗。求主助我卸下年齡帶來的世故、求主助我除去因受傷帶來的設防和不信任、求主助我脫下驕傲、對祂和祂的創造、包括我自己和周圍的人、能天天有好奇、所以雖然日復一日、週而復始、我卻不厭倦人生。“我的肉體雖然衰殘、內心卻一天新似一天。“

My Big Head and A Fun Day

I think I really think too much! But I really also like this part of me. And because I know the first sentence really should read as, "People say I think too much." but the second sentence comes from me, I would say... truth be told, I really like this part of me! And THAT'S why I have not changed. See, that's the big head talking.

My day started at 5:40 this morning. Kind of feeling crazy for getting up when it was still dark and walking Beau when the whole world was still sleeping. I almost though I could hear my neighbors breathe in their sleep. As I turn at the corner, I ran into my neighbor Ruben. (So I guess the whole world was not sleeping!) And his two dogs. One great Dane and bulldog mix, (i think) called Tyson, (that name makes me want to laugh... Isn't Tyson some brand of chicken? I know some boxer also named Tyson, but chicken was my first reaction when I was first introduced to him.) The other one is a tiny bichon mix. Both of them had their T-shirt on. Ruben said, "They just woke up, and I don't want them to feel cold." We said bye and went our separate ways. I felt like laughing. Dogs... just woke up... T-shirt to keep warm... somehow, the idea of Tyson and little sister "waking up early" was comical. They are dogs. "Just woke up" is to describe humans. That reminded me of my old neighbor, who told me, "If you want to visit B, you need to wait cuz she is taking a nap." A dog taking a nap? Maybe B has afternoon tea too!

I needed to meet with someone this morning, and as I was driving, I realized I had already "written" numerous research papers about this person in my head. At the time, the papers felt like evidences that lead to a conclusion that this person stands no chance to be rehabilitated. And I felt awful. Almost did not want to continue the drive. Now, some 10 hours later now, I don't even remember my "papers" but had a fun day with myself instead. Interesting internal landscaping that is a totally different reality from the outside world. Had I made decisions based on that "landscaping" I would surely have ruined my day. Thankfully, I didn't not let my big head take charge today. I have learned to be patient with myself. Went to a nursery called "Eden" to cool off and had a heavenly time with myself, picking up some 1-gallon lavender and seeds to grow.

Failed tonight's session according to myself. Said a prayer for myself, asking the Spirit to cover me.

Time to go to bed and let my big head rest.

Things That Make Me Happy (3)

Line dry my clothes (I made sure the image was decent so you can look.) on a beautiful California early Spring day. That makes me happy.

To make room for the new garden, and so that I and my sometimes guests can have a better view of my small yard, I had Pablo remove the octopus like clothes rack/hanger/lines thingy in the middle of the backyard. With that gone, I "designed" my own clothes drying apparatus. :-) I used an old curtain rod and let it rest on the fence on one side, and my patio post on the other. I was quite proud of myself for this humble invention.

Voila! My colorful bathroom mat should be the focal point. Other clothing items play supporting roles. :-) I am looking forward to dusk when I can bring them down and smell the sun and feel the cleanness in them. Both the Before and After (of drying them outdoor) brings great joy.

Do you know how to "smell" the sun?

Praise the Lord for the 5 senses! It's really fun to mix them up too, and enjoy the... cross-breed? Like to draw the music you hear, to smell the food you see in a cook book, and to feel the warmth of an imaginary kiss from your daughter?

Things That Make Me Happy (2)

I bought this from Taiwan.

The little flame brings me to far away places of mystery and dream. That's me.

I was quite surprised at the aroma the sunflower elixir gives out. I would drop 5 to 6 drops into the shallow dish, filled with water, and let it burn slowly. My whole room would smell very soft. I think it's quite amazing how a room can smell "soft"; a textile descriptive. But that's what I smell. :-)

In order to light the tea candle, I had to learn how to use a cigarette lighter. In the beginning, I would have sore and swollen thumb caused by futile attempts to roll the tiny wheel on top to ignite. I would switch to my left hand and wished I had been ambidexterous and because I am not, left thumb was no us at all. Now I am better at it, I can make the lighter work in a few tries, but am still learning how to hold the lighter at such an angle that it lights the candle, and not my thumb!

Quite amazed this little thing can bring me such joy.

Thought at Midnight

When a divorced Christian talks about the sanctity of marriage and the kind of sacrificial love that couples need to give each other for their marriage to work, among other important things, how is she/he perceived? A hypocrite? Someone who makes others want to puke?

When someone who has had an abortion talks about the sanctity of life and calls herself pro-life, is she contradicting herself?

When someone who is abused and who severs the abusive relationship talks about love is a choice, should we despise her, because she doesn't practice what she preaches?

Lord, have mercy.

Life is full of tough choices for most people. Only in his mercy do we grow stronger. I need that mercy for myself, and I pray that he grant me the mercy for others who falter.

Things That Make Me Happy (I)

I am no Maria, but there are things, small things, that make me happy.

Like these roses in my young garden. I had Pablo plant them 3 weeks ago, and they are already giving me roses. I toured (the word "tour" makes it sound like I had a big garden. It is not big at all, only about 6' x 6'. I didn't want to use "patrol" because that somehow reminds me of the police. Way too serious.) my garden this morning, as always, after coming back from walk with Beau, and saw these roses.

They made me very happy!

Praise the Lord!